- Season 5
- I hate disappointing just one person. And I really hate disappointing everyone. But I love Burlington Coat Factory. You go in there with 645 dollars, you are literally a king. -michael
- Alright, no no no. No. That is-- the image, I think we can all agree, is very disgusting but you know what? Meredith, you lit your hair on fire today. What about tomorrow? What is going to happen when you come into work and you're dead? -michael
- In the Schrute family we believe in a five-fingered intervention. Awareness. Education. Control. Acceptance. And punching. -dwight
- I need to find ways to push Meredith to the bottom. Um. I think I can do it. I did it with Jan. -michael
- When I was in college I used to get wicked hammered. My nickname was Puke. I would chug a fifth of So Co, sneak into a frat party, polish off a few people's empties, some brewskies, some Jell-o shots, do some body shots off myself... Pass out, wake up the next morning, boot, rally, more So Co, head to class. Probably would've got expelled if I had've let it affect my grades but I aced all my courses. They called me Ace. It was totally awesome. Got straight B's. They called me Buzz. -andy
- I am not going to judge Phyllis for desecrating Christmas. There is one person who will though, and Phyllis just stuffed him into a drawer. -angela
- Andy still doesn't know that Angela's having an affair with Dwight. And it's been seventeen days. I mean eventually, he'll figure it out. When their kids have giant heads and beet-stained teeth. But right now it's just... awkward. -jim
- How about, I'm sorry I did such a whorish job filling out this form. -kevin
- So I either get more involved or I take a sick day. Leaving Dwight in charge. Oh God. -jim
- You like a big-- you're like a Sasquatch, you live in a-- Sasquatches are the strongest animal on the planet so fine call me a Sasquatch! -andy & dwight
- Laughter is my job. Tears are my game. Law is my profession. -michael
- Your heart is a wonderful thing, Michael, but it makes some terrible decisions. That's true. That's true. It has gone down the path many, many times. Jan, Ryan... -dwight & michael
- Jim, you're six eleven and you weigh ninety pounds, Gumby has a better body than you. Boom roasted. Dwight, you're a kiss-ass. Boom roasted. Pam, you failed art school, boom roasted. Meredith, you've slept with so many guys you're starting to look like one. Boom roasted. Kevin, I can't decide between a fat joke or a dumb joke boom roasted. Creed your teeth called your breath stinks. Boom roasted. Angela, where's Angela. Whoa there you are I didn't see you behind that grain of rice! Boom. Roasted! Stanley! You crush your wife during sex and your heart sucks. Boom roasted. [Stanley starts laughing] Oscar you are [distracted by Stanley] Oscar, you're gay! Andy, Cornell called, they think you suck! And you're gayer than Oscar. Boom roasted! -michael
- No no no no you will not die! Stanley! Stanley you will not die! Stanley! Stanley! Barack is president! You are black Stanley! -michael
- If it were an iPod it would be a shuffle! -pam
- When you're a kid you assume your parents are soulmates. My kids are going to be right about that. -pam
- It's very unusal for Michael not to show up for work. My guess, he's either deeply depressed or an icicle has snapped off his roof and impaled his brain. He has this terrible habit of standing directly underneath them. And staring up at them. And I always say, "Michael, take two steps back and stare at the icicle from the side." And he's like, "no, I like the way they look from standing directly underneath them." It was only a matter of time. -dwight
- So what'd he say? Was it my fault? Yeah. He said that you told him how much you love me. About how you feel when I walk in a room. And about, how you've never doubted for a second that I'm the woman you wanna spend the rest of your life with. I guess he had never felt that with my mom even at their best. You okay? Yeah. -jim & pam
- Are you trying to hurt my feelings? Because if so, you are succeeding. Fortunately my feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal man's. -dwight
- I'm okay. Feel a little lopsided because of all the blood they took out of my right side. -dwight
- When Michael's skirting a phone call he gave me a list of places to say he is. Stopping a fight in the parking lot. An Obama fashion show. Whatever, that is. Trapped in an oil painting. I'm gonna save that one. -pam
- I have an idea for a fancy men's shoe store called Shoe La La. And... it's just mens shoes for the special occasions in a man's life. Like the day that you get married, or the day your wife has a baby, or for just lounging around the house. -michael
- Do you even know how paper is made? Its not like steal. You don't put it into a furnace. If you put paper into a furnace do you know what would happen? You’d ruin it. -michael
- He finally has a story we really wanna hear. And he knows it. -pam
- Listen. When I saw you talking to Erin earlier, I noticed that your pupils dilated and your skin flushed and I'm assuming, a little bit of blood rushed into your penis. Well, a little bit of blood rushed into mine as well, so where does that leave us? -dwight
- I color code all my info. I wrote gay son in green. Green means go. So I know to go ahead and shut up about it. Orange, means orange you glad you didn't bring it up. Most colors mean don't say it. -michael
- It's just that Pam gets me through the day, you know? I really rely on her. I'm pretty emotionally needy. And you know what? I am here for you. Let me be, your, traveling pants. -jim & andy
- Well well well. How the turn tables-- -michael
- Case of the beet bandit. Missing beets from all over the farm, no footprints. Inside job. Mose in socks. Boom. Case closed. -dwight
- Close your mouth sweetie you look like a trout. -phyllis
- You all took a life here today. You did. The life of the party. -michael
- I'm not sure but I'm pretty sure I'm in a dance-off! -andy
- Right. Oh! So this morning, we are having breakfast together... and I just looked up from my cereal and I said, "you know what I wanna do today? I wanna marry you." I had just woken up. I didn't look cute. That's how I knew he meant it. -jim & pam
- I can't force you to go down but I can entice you. I am going to be down there. Erin will be down there from time to time. And, all you can eat espresso. -michael
- Hey, Dwight, send in the subs! -jim
may 23 2009 ∞
may 23 2009 +