TOP TEN LIST TO DO IN LIFE

• 1. Eat yourself in some sort of food coma where your parents are like, WAKE UP WE’RE HERE FOR YOU, but you are flatlining delicious nacho sandwiches and you have entered purgatory where there is macaroni and cheese but it is reduced-fat cheese WHY ARE YOU HERE and then your true love slowly feeds you Nutella and you wake up from the dream INCEPTION.
• 2. clean your room it’s so messy why haven’t you made your bed or done laundry ever in your fucking life.
• 3. tell your friend to SHUT UP ABOUT HER LOVE LIFE WE GET IT SHE’S ATTRACTIVE. I mean, just tell your friends exactly what you think is kind of a rarity, I guess.
• 4. go up to somebody and say ‘listen, I guess you’re hot I want to either fight you or fuck you I’m not quite sure’ and then you date and then you break up and that’s life. But it’d be a really great thing to just tell somebody you’re digging them. Just as refreshing as those girls splashing their faces in the Clean’n’Clear commercials, although those girls look too awake in the morning for my taste.
• 5. Buy a really great but overly expensive dress that looks great on you. Get a short haircut. Buy Spanxx. Get your nails done but not your pedicure why are these people grabbing at my face #vanityisokayifyoufeelprettyforonce
• 6. Travel somewhere by yourself. Even if it’s Disney World, and Toy Story Woody is like ‘come ride this with me, friend. Shoot the lasers at the Disney thing,’ it’d be a great thing to just get on a plane and go somewhere independently. What a master of the world! You go, girl! Can people say that anymore? NO?! ANYONE?!
• 7. Write a fan letter to Hanson? Eat an entire pizza? Punch your ex in the face? Do that one thing you know you want to do. Better yet, DO SOMETHING THAT SCARES YOU. Or at least do something that makes you so proud you want to tweet about it or beam about it or some shit.
• 8. Tell diets to fuck off and like your body. Like your face because welcome to your face this is your face forever. COME ON DO IT.
• 9. Keep a plant or animal or a human or watch the whole series of a show. Maybe Dr. Who or ROSWELL, I feel like people watch a lot of that. Do a job you love. Get a catchphrase! I mean, commit to something, you freak.
• 10. Be grateful for all the stupid things in your stupid life. Enjoy it all. Be happy, asshole. You die, you know