• ep1
  • welcome to night vale, where the sun is hot, the moon is beautiful, and strange lights pass overhead while we all pretend to sleep.
  • dogs are not allowed in the dog park. people are not allowed in the dog park. you may see strange hooded figures in the dog park. do not approach them. do not approach the dog park. The fence is electrified and highly dangerous. Try not to look at the dog park, and especially do not look for any period of time at the hooded figures.
  • keep an eye on the helicopter colors. sre the unmarked helicopters circling the area black? probably world government. not a good idea for play that day. are they blue? that's the sheriff's secret police. they’ll keep a good eye on your kids and hardly ever take one. are they painted with complex murals depicting birds of prey diving? no one knows what those helicopters are or what they want. do not play in the area. return to your home and lock the doors until the sheriff’s secret policeman leaves a carnation on your porch to indicate that the danger has passed. cover your ears to blot out the screams. also, remember, gatorade is basically soda.
  • a great howling was heard from the night vale post office yesterday. postal workers claim no knowledge although passerby describe the sound as being a little like a human soul being destroyed by black magic.
  • lights seen in the sky above Arby’s
  • we know the difference. we've caught on to their game. we understand the lights above arby’s game. invaders from another world. ladies and gentlemen, the future is here and it’s about 100 feet above the arby’s.
  • They would like to remind you that you should not set your speed by these apparitions and doing so will not be considered following the flow of traffic. However they do say that it’s probably safe to match speed with the mysterious lights in the sky as whatever entities or organizations responsible appear to be cautious and reasonable drivers.
  • The city council would like to remind you about the tiered heavens and the hierarchy of angels. The reminder is that you should not know anything about this. The structure of heaven and the angelic organizational chart are privileged info known only to the city council members on a need to know basis. do not speak to or acknowledge any angels that you may come across while shopping at the Ralph's or at the desert flower bowling alley and arcade fun complex. They only tell lies and do not exist.
  • And now for a brief psa: alligators. Can they kill your children? yes.
• Ep 2
  • This episode was brought to you by Coca Cola
  • Concentrate only on breathing and let go of ideas you had about nutrition and alarm clocks.
  • Cub Scout, Boy Scout, Eagle Scout, blood pact scout, weird scout, dreadnought scout, dark scout, fear scout, and finally eternal scout. As always, signup is automatic and random so please keep an eye out for the scarlet envelope that will let you know that your son has been chosen for the process.
  • They just have to be tossed on the eternal animal pyre in mission grove park.
  • A 5-headed dragon approximately 18 feet tall with mostly green eyes and weighing about 3600 pounds. He is suspected of insurance fraud.
  • Saturday the Public library will be unknowable. Citizens will forget the existence of the library from 6am Saturday morning until 11pm that night. The library will be under a sort of renovation. It is not important what kind of renovation.
  • Sunday is dot day. Remember, red dots on what you love, blue dots on what you don’t. Mixing those up can cause permanent consequences .
  • Tuesday afternoon, join the Night Vale PTA for a bake sale to support citizens for a blood space war!! :) :) :)
  • Wednesday has been canceled due to a scheduling error.
  • John Peters, you know, the farmer?
  • So far the glow cloud has not answered .
  • The glow cloud simply is. all hail the mighty glow cloud. a l l h a i l
  • Waiting for the bus in the rain
  • Tried to play back the tapes, but they’re all blank and smell faintly of vanilla.
  • Sometimes you go through things that seem huge at the time, like a mysterious glowing cloud devouring your entire community.
  • Lost pets found. Lost pets unfound. A secret lost pets city on the moon.
  • Silence where there should be noise. Noise where there should be silence.
  • Sandwiches. Clear plastic binder sheets.
  • Today’s proverb: men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Earth is a hallucination. Podcasts are dreams.
• Ep3
  • On Sundays, newspaper kiosks, usually filled with important news print, will be filled with 2% milk.
  • The stadium will be closed all nights of the year except November 10 for the annual parade of the mysterious hooded figures.
  • Monday: turquoise. Tuesday: toque. Wednesday: robin's egg. Thursday: turquoise toque. Friday: coal dust. Saturday: coal dust with chances of indigo in the late afternoon. Sunday: void
  • No flag, goes in the bag! red flag, run.
  • We sent our intern Chad to try buying a tennis racket and have not heard back from him for several weeks.
  • Big Rico’s is the only pizza place in Night Vale that has not burnt to the ground in an unsolved arson case.
  • I come to you live from under my desk.
  • Today’s proverb: there’s a special place in hell, it’s really hip, very exclusive.
• Ep4
  • The sun has grown so very very old how long cold fading death how long Welcome to Night Vale
  • Our top story last night’s Night Vale PTA meeting ended in bloodshed as a rift in space time split open in the Main Street recreation center auditorium, setting loose several confused and physically aggressive pteranodons. The glowing portal remained open and shrieked incessantly, an unholy sound that witnesses say resembled noisy urchin children caught in a combine harvester and then slowed down and amped up by some kind of open source easy to use audio editing software.
  • Night Vale's only flying dinosaur expert Joe Eisenberg still has not recovered from last year’s vouch with throat spiders.
  • It’s election season again and you know what that means! The Sheriff's secret police will be coming by to collect certain family members so that everyone votes for the correct council seats and there’s no confusion. These family members will be held in a secure and undisclosed location, which everyone knows is the abandoned mine shaft outside of town. The abandoned mineshaft outside of town is actually a pretty nice location these days, featuring king sized beds, free WiFi, and HBO. Also, torture cubicles, but I don’t think anyone’s going to make the council use those. Remember, this is America, vote correctly or never see your loved ones again. This message was brought to you by the city council.
  • The first platinum premium ad runs next Monday and features the terrified face of an infant primate with a superimposed spoon that has been stone sharpened to a rough point and the tagline ‘better use tide.’
  • Citizens should cover themselves with a low SPF sunscreen and hide in a tiled bathroom .
  • We reported a death toll of 0 when in fact the number is closer to 38
  • His throwing hand had been removed thanks to too many overdue library books.
  • The creature’s lifeless body was found a dozen yards outside of the dog park entrance, stripped of all flesh and with most of the organs inverted and strung around its exposed skull.
• Ep5
  • The city council would not provide any reason for the removal, but did say that any work in Grove Park was making way for a new swing set, picnic area and blood stone circle, which we all can agree are good contributions to the community.
  • Michael Sandero, starting quarterback for the Night Vale Scorpions, has reportedly grown a second head.
  • Those interested in volunteering should stand in their bathtubs and weep until it is all gone.
  • Tired of your home? Sick of comfort? Come to the hole in the vacant lot out back of the Ralph’s and huddle with us. Who are we? Good question. Come to the hole in the vacant lot out back of the Ralph’s and huddle with us… or else.
  • Auditionees will also be required to do a cold reading, and give blood, and stool samples, along with mandatory radiation testing following the auditions. Do not sing anything from South Pacific.
  • Finally, in addition to the current foreign language offerings of Spanish, French, and modified Sumerian, schools will now be offering double Spanish, weird Spanish, Coptic Spanish, Russian, and unmodified Sumerian.
  • Today’s proverb: a million dollars isn’t cool. You know what’s cool? A basilisk.
• Ep6
  • Rabbits are not what they seem to be. Welcome to Night Vale.
  • The revitalization of the old town drawbridge experienced another setback this week, as engineers determined that the furniture upholstery used to construct the bridge towers soaks up water and creates an unstable foundation. This week’s collapse was the third in as many months.
  • Crews have tried building the bridge tower base supports from corrugated cardboard, non dairy creamer, and ceramic bowls. Nothing has worked.
  • Night Vale has a lot of community-supported radio, and the thing about community-supported radio—it's supported by listeners like you. As well as Guatemala and some teamsters, who are, sometimes, just too generous. Any amount you can give will help us continue our community programming. A dollar, or two, or even plasma!
  • Give us a call! We don't have a number; just whisper, "Forsaken Algonquinian" into your phone receiver, and angels, or Facebook, or something, will deliver an appropriate contribution from your bank account.
  • Tickets are only $10, or $5 if you bring enriched yellowcake uranium.
  • "Dog park," she repeated. "That could never, ever be real," the mayor shouted, pounding the podium with her bleeding fists. There were no follow-up questions.
  • Capricorn: those were not contact lenses you put in this morning. Best not think about this again.
  • Aquarius: the white ball will be under the middle shell. Trust the stars. Invest all your money in this lucrative street game.
  • Aries: you will feel a haunting sadness about times gone by. Today's smell is wheatgrass and toast.
  • Cancer: I've gotta pay my phone bill, and also get some more milk. That wasn't me talking—that is what the stars say today. Interpret it as you will.
  • Juanita Jefferson, head of one such organization, Night Vale or Nothing, said, "...treeeeees...they are us..." Jefferson then paused for several minutes without blinking and whispered again, "...treeeeeees," before collapsing into tears and loud moaning.
  • Two days ago, Steve was whisked into the back of a windowless van, only to reappear earlier this morning wearing thick head bandages and eating Styrofoam shaped like an ice cream cone
• Ep7
  • The Night Vale tourism board asks that whoever is telepathically assaulting the tourists, please stop.
  • Lack of tipping is the leading cause of sinkholes in the US.
  • The official town song, chant, and moan.
  • The fatality rate is also well above the national average for public libraries.
  • The library bloodstone circle does not appear to have seen any maintenance or cleaning in some time.
  • The school board countered that studies indicate that weapons distract from educators’ ability to educate, and that students who bring firearms to classrooms are more likely to use firearms than students without firearms.
  • And now, a word for our sponsors. That word is carp.
  • The year 2052: the scion of the dark order will descend, realize he mistimed the prophecy, and reascend.
  • The city council will reveal its true form and eat half of Night Vale’s population.
  • If you happen to stumble on the waterfront buildings out in the desert exactly where you remember them and they seem completely real standing as vacant and useless as the day they were built, that’s because you are still hallucinating and should seek medical treatment immediately. Or, have a member of the city council howl at you if you are of the olden faith and do not believe in modern medicine.
  • Cars were driven. Cars were not driven.
  • Good job, people who experience time. Time-experiencers, good job.
• Ep8
  • The lottery is, of course, mandatory, but how can you get the best odds for drawing a blank white paper and not one of the purple pieces that means you’ll be ceremoniously disemboweled and eaten by the wolves at the Night Vale Petting Zoo and Makeshift Carnival? I know to some of you young people, the lottery seems like a barbarous, outdated tradition, but if not for municipally planned citizen sacrifice each quarter, how else would we find satisfactory meats to feed those sad scrawny animals?
  • Popular truck treats include Korean barbecue, vegetarian chili, and veal ice cream.
  • Night Vale school superintendent Nick Ford announced today that the Glow Cloud has joined the School Board. The Glow Cloud passed over the entirety of Night Vale several weeks ago – dropping small and large animal carcasses, controlling our thoughts and tertiary muscle groups, and erasing every last recording device
  • I, of course, can only thank those journal writers anonymously here on the air, as the Night Vale City Council long ago banned writing utensils – along with margarita glasses and bar code scanners – and I don’t want to get my fellow reporters in any trouble with the Sheriff’s Secret Police.
  • Superintendent Ford offered the following statement of support for the newest school board member: “All hail! Kneel for the Glow Cloud. Sacrifice. Pestilence. Sores. All hail the Glow Cloud!”
  • And now, traffic. This morning, I saw a running man. He passed by my home. Panting. Limping. Running desperate. I tried to stop him, but he would not meet my eye. This noon time, I saw a running man. He was coming down from the mountain, holding a bag. His knees were bloody, and face covered in tears. This evening, I saw a running man. He was leaving town, legs pumping like a terrified heart. I think he was missing a hand. Is it that he wouldn’t meet my eye, or that he had no eyes? Now I wish I could remember. There are many things I wish I could remember. This has been traffic.
  • New billboards have appeared all over town, bearing the image of a turkey sandwich and the single word “HARLOT” in large, block letters. These billboards have caused some confusion – both due to their ambiguous message and to the fact that the entire structure of the billboards materialized overnight in places billboards are not usually constructed, such as the living rooms of local homes, the middle of busy thoroughfares (causing multiple car accidents), and, in one case, directly through a living dog.
  • We’re receiving several phone calls from listeners, and from the Parks Department, that those flickering lights and unintelligible noises we reported on earlier were coming from the Pink Floyd Multimedia Laser Spectacular. I contacted Carlos about this, and he said that the situation is even worse than he imagined.
  • Representatives for the Desert Bluffs School District, speaking in unpleasant and high-pitched voices indicative of weakness of will and character, complained to the Regional Football and Traffic Code Authority that Night Vale quarterback Michael Sandero’s recently-grown second head counts as a twelfth man on the field, thus invalidating the wins brought on by his also recently-acquired superhuman agility and strength.
  • When asked about the controversy over his team’s winning record, Coach Nazr al-Mujaheed said, “Our boys are good boys. They’re good boys at football. We win ‘em. With the boys. The football.” Then he smiled vacantly, waved at no one, and wandered off in the direction of the woods.
  • Step into your nearest Subway restaurant today, and try their new 6-inch mashed potato sub! Top it with a delicious assortment of fresh vegetables, like french fries and Nutella. They’ll even toast or poach it for you! There are several Subway locations in Night Vale, all easily accessible through witchcraft and chanting. And between now and November 30, buy nine reverse colonics and get a free 40-ounce soda or freshly baked tobacco cookie. Subway: Devour your own empty heart.
  • “A life of pain is the pain of life, and you can never escape it – only hope it hides, unknown, in a drawer like a poisonous spider and never comes out again, even though it probably will, in unexpected and horrific fashion, scaring you from being able to comfortably conduct even the most mundane, quotidian tasks.” Or, at least, that’s how my grandparents always phrased it.
• Ep9
  • Weird at last, weird at last! God almighty, weird at last
  • A large Pyramid has appeared in the center of the Beatrix Lohman Memorial Meditation Zone, destroying over half of the Zone’s state-of-the-art meditation equipment and paraphernalia. Experts have been contacted as to what could cause sudden Pyramid existence. However, as it turns out, there are no experts in Pyramid materialization.
  • The Pyramid has been described as “a kind of triangle shape, only three-dimensional.” It has made no movement, despite repeated taserings by

the Sheriff’s Secret Police.

• Many suspect that this may be a publicity stunt pulled by our own local cereal company, Flakey O’s, who are launching their new line of nighttime-only cereals next month. An angry mob has formed outside of the cereal factory, just in case.
• Brad is very excellent at both carpentry and dark magic
• The SPCA has several one-sheets on preventing heartworms and using pets to grow small replacement organs. To get your copy, go online or simply make up your own informative facts.
• The Flakey O’s marketing department must be complimented for the best use of viral marketing in Night Vale since Stan’s Pawn Shop released a virulent strain of Ebola back in ‘98.
• Leaky sinks, sticky windows, minor exorcisms, and bleeding doors – all these are the kind of 'quick fixes’ that a toolbox and a quick search on the internet should allow you to take care of. On the other hand, structural damage, major remodeling, seeping darkness, major exorcisms, roof boils, and lawn care – these are all the kind of work that should not be attempted by anyone without years of expertise and a valid Hammer License from the City Council.
• Surgeons at Night Vale General Hospital are noting an uptick in dermatological growths related to sun exposure. Doctors describe these growths as “15-inch spiraled horns. The horns mostly protrude from the lower back or knees. Unchecked, these horns can develop a glistening shine, small leather saddles, and bright red lips on the very tip.
• This decision is not without its controversy, as the existing street signs are entirely in braille. One critic, Paul Birmingham, says removing these signs will deflate the Earth.
• I use Audible to catch up on best-selling titles like “The Help” and “Vango-Notes for Technical Communication 11\e.” I’m on their website right now, and I’m typing in a search for “Dog Park,” because I was thinking about this town’s beautiful new fixture, and how I will never, ever take my dog there. Let’s see what Audible comes up with. Huh. It’s a flashing black-and-red screen that says “THOUGHT CRIME” in all-caps. And below that, a little animation of two digging workers: “Under Construction.”
• Today’s proverb: "Nice bolo tie" is the greatest compliment a person can ever receive.
• Ep10
  • Regret nothing, until it is too late. Then regret everything. Welcome to Night Vale.
  • Please stay indoors from 1:00 PM Friday until 10:00 PM Saturday to avoid dermal contact with the pesticide – which has been known to cause skin abrasions, epilepsy, super epilepsy, and organ inversion. The Parks Department also notes that the pesticide has a half-life of 2,100 years, which means we’ll be safe from those annoying mosquitoes for a long time.
  • Also, be warned that penalties for overdue books have skyrocketed to fifty cents per day and, after thirty days, jaw mutilation.
  • The Night Vale Medical Board has issued a new study indicating that you have a spider somewhere on your body at all times, but especially now.
  • Listeners: Are you suffering from carpal tunnel syndrome? Are you enjoying carpal tunnel syndrome? Are you surprised by carpal tunnel syndrome? Are you enraged by carpal tunnel syndrome? Do you feel a throbbing sadness that you almost cannot stand from carpal tunnel syndrome? Do you feel a bounty of love and appreciation for your fellow human beings traveling through this confusing and finite lifetime with you from carpal tunnel syndrome? Do you get s*xually aroused by carpal tunnel syndrome? That would be weird. Not to be judgmental, but…it would be weird. This has been Community Health Tips.
  • The sheriff’s Secret Police suspect the feral dog pack to be responsible for the giant spray-painted lettering along the bridge scaffolding that reads: GOLD STANDARD IS OUR STANDARD and READ YOUR CONSTITUTION. There was also a very elaborately painted portrait of Alexander Hamilton wearing Groucho Marx nose glasses, with a caption that reads: FEDERALIST PAPERS but where FEDERALIST is crossed out, and TOILET is written in red.
  • On Monday, the staff of Dark Owl Records will be wearing sweater vests.
  • Thursday morning, the National Weather Service and National Security Agency have scheduled a giant sandstorm.
  • Friday is an oasis. Only a metaphor for something unattainable. A haunting dream of meaning for our lives, but don’t look! Turn your head. Your life is here. Stay here. You are alone. You are so peacefully alone. That’s it. Yes. Goooood.
  • She added a high-pitched roar, followed by a watery gurgling sound, and then our conversation was ended by repeated, cloudless thunderclaps.
  • As always, the museum features many fascinating permanent exhibits, including the cheap, pollution-free source of energy created by Nikola Tesla, multiple time machines (some of them not yet invented), and pocket calculators (which were outlawed by the City Council 22 years ago for undisclosed reasons). Along with that, there is a temporary exhibit demonstrating the many exciting and extremely dangerous uses for lasers. Be sure to splurge on the guidebook at the Museum Store, as the exhibits themselves are entirely shrouded with thick burlap at all times, and all explanatory plaques have been blacked out with permanent marker. The Museum of Forbidden Technologies. If you don’t know about it, we may or may not have it!
  • You come home. The lights are off. You get an uneasy feeling. Suddenly, the phone rings. You remember that you do not have a phone. It rings some more. You do not know what to do. Then you remember that, yes, you do own a phone. Why wouldn’t you own a phone? Everyone owns a phone! The phone is still ringing. Ha ha ha ha ha! How silly to think you didn’t own a phone. It rings again. You smile, and shrug, and answer the ringing phone. It is still dark. “Hello?” you say. “They are waiting for you,” a whispery, gender-indeterminate voice tells you. “It is your time,” it says. You turn on the light. You laugh again, wondering why it took you so long to turn on the light. “Gosh, it was dark!” you think. “Hello?” the voice asks. You hang up, glad you remembered to buy Tropicana Orange Juice, at least. Tropicana Pure Premium Orange Juice is made from the freshest oranges, with no added flavors or preservatives.
  • Trainers are teaching these dogs everything from jiu jitsu to kickboxing to knife work. This is simply unacceptable. Dog fighting is illegal, cruel to animals, and a danger to society when these dogs are untethered
  • Let’s not forget our long-standing town motto: “We have nothing to fear except ourselves. We are unholy, awful people. Fear ourselves with silence. Look down, Night Vale; look down, and forget what you’ve done! That is the motto of a determined, unified community.
• Ep11
  • Today’s air quality is mauve and speckled. Welcome to Night Vale.
  • In other health news, the Night Vale Council for Commerce reminds you to regularly consume wheat and wheat by-products. By doing so, you are directly supporting the local Night Vale farmer, as well as the local Night Vale commodities conglomerates. Looking for a snack? Try wheat, or a wheat by-product. Dinner? Wheat and/or its by-product. Trying to patch a leaky roof? We have just the thing for you, and we also have its by-products. Wheat and wheat by-products. By Americans, for Americans, in Americans, watching Americans.
  • The City Council today issued a strong warning against the manufacture and sale of discount bloodstones. They say that these bloodstones of inferior design and construction have the potential to cause major accidents in even common day-to-day chanting rituals. These accidents have included, in just the past few months: locust swarms, pus tornadoes, and the creation and subsequent obliteration of a mirror version of Night Vale, forcing all of us to watch our identical counterparts perish – and thus confront the inevitability of our own futures. Anyone caught selling these bloodstones will be put into the Dark Box, pending erasure from recorded history. The lesser charge of buying or possessing them will be met with mere summary execution.
  • Critics charge that the City Council is lying about all of this, due to the fact that the Council owns the only certified bloodstone factory in town. But, the Council has vehemently denied this charge by gibbering, howling, and knocking over microphones.
  • An update on our previous message about wheat and wheat by-products. You should not eat wheat or wheat by-products, say several frantic scientists, waving clipboards in our studio. As it turns out all wheat and wheat by-products, for unknown reasons, have turned into venomous snakes, which are crawling all over our small city, causing even more chaos than is normal. These snakes have been described as terrifying, loathsome, and “probably from the bowels of hell itself!” – also, green and three feet long. If you have any wheat or wheat by-products in your home, you are almost certainly already dead. Sorry about that.
  • Further updates on wheat and wheat by-products: The good news is that they are no longer poisonous serpents. The bad news is that they have transformed into a particularly evil and destructive form of spirit. Please, be aware that wheat and wheat by-products are now malevolent and violent supernatural forces, capable of physically moving objects up to 200 pounds and entering human souls of up to Soul Strength Four.
  • The composer of the best Sorrow Song, as indicated by our audience participatory Weep-O-Meter, will be ritualistically drowned in a pool of our own townspeople’s tears. Good luck!
  • The Council states that anyone who has come into contact with wheat and wheat by-products, and has by some happy miracle survived, should consider themselves infected and proceed to the usual quarantine area, just behind the playground in Mission Grove Park – there to spend the rest of their days in quiet contemplation and weaving. Everyone else should head immediately to the Wheat and Wheat By-Products Shelter that has been sitting unused for decades under the public library. When asked why a Wheat and Wheat By-Products Shelter already existed, the City Council answered, simply, “Prophecy.” May you all be safe. May you all be well. May you be strong and flexible with ruddy cheeks and legs like tree trunks. And now, the weather.
• Ep12
  • Walton Kinkade, president of the community group Soundproof Old Town, said that the windmills can’t possibly be the source of the noise, as they are non-existent and also don’t work, because of Desert Bluffs’ staggering incompetence. The City Council called a press conference, wherein they all wordlessly stared down Kinkade for fourteen uninterrupted minutes. Their dark eyes tore holes straight through the community spokesman (metaphorically speaking), until his soul was compacted into what looked like a partially chewed black-eyed pea (literally).
  • He was wanted on several counts of insurance fraud, falsifying identification papers, evading arrest, and assaulting a police vehicle with fire.
  • An unsigned press release I found under my pillow this morning announces the following: There is a free party this Friday at the abandoned Missile Silo outside of town. The purpose of this party is to celebrate. There will be no sign or music, but the party is inside the silo. This party takes place at 3 am and will be over at 3:05. It will be dark, both inside and outside the silo. Grope blindly towards happiness. Keep your mouth open and your teeth together, to indicate you are at a party. You will hear noises and later you will not. This party will feature special guest Bon Jovi, although he does not yet know it. See you there!
  • They then took a deep breath all together, lowered the brick, broke it into pieces, and devoured it.
  • Immortality is stupid. Think before you wish. This message was brought to you by DirectTV.
  • The Mall PR officials added that they have a really cool idea for Valentine's day. They're thinking, like, moving pictures of actual beating hearts projected onto a large teddy bear, which has been stretched open like a vivisected frog from 7th grade life science. Officials added: "It's going to be monstrous and beautiful. You don't even know what art really is. You don't even know yourself."
  • To this I say, shame on you for your negative stereotypes of multi-headed beings. Free your mind. The rest, as our official town song says, will follow. The song also says “Lap deeply of the scarlet mud after the bloodrains of the apocalypse”, but I don’t think that quite applies here.
  • Stay tuned now for our two hour special: Car Alarms and their Variations, brought to you, commercial-free, by Canada Dry.
• Ep13
  • You have a new job now. Every day except Sunday, you drive out into the Sandwastes, and there you find two trucks. You move wooden crates from one truck to the other while a man in a suit silently watches. It is a different man each time. Sometimes the crates tick. Mostly they do not. When you are done, the man in the suit hands you an amount of cash, also different each time, and you go home. It is the best job you’ve ever had.
  • A man rolls by on the ground, his eyes bleary and sightless, whispering the word “MudWomb” over and over, but you don’t have the money to tip him, so you go inside.
  • “I think my pie is here now,” you say, unnecessarily, as the pie is quite visibly placed in front of you. You did not order invisible pie. You hate invisible pie.
  • “Check, please” you say, whispering it into your drinking glass as is custom, and then lifting the tray of sugar packets to find it, filled out and ready to be paid. You drop a few dollars onto the check, place it back under the sugars, wait for the sound of swallowing, and leave the diner.
  • You pass by City Hall, which, as always, is completely shrouded after dark in black velvet.
  • By the road you see a man holding a cactus in one hand and a pair of scissors in the other. He shakes both at you as you pass and howls.
• Ep14
  • Look to the obelisk. We don’t know where it came from, but it’s attracting a lot of cats. Welcome to Night Vale.
  • This year's keynote speaker is an audio tape of droning moans leaden with subliminal tips about achieving personal prosperity and how to come clean about the terrible things you have done, you cretin.
  • Last year's fair featured several very high profile arrests and exciting door prizes. Tickets are 25 dollars, or 15 if you still have working retinas to scan.
  • Old Woman Josie added that she thinks the man in the tan jacket is just a salesman of some sort. A fly salesman, she bets, wandering from town to town with polished shoes and a suitcase full of flies. “Oh I just can't stand those fly salesmen,” she said, “ringing my doorbell at 3am wanting to show me samples and asking for glasses of orange milk.”
  • Hey kids and parents! Time once again for our Children’s Fun Fact Science Corner. Today we are exploring common birds and their meanings. An eagle indicates that an important phone call is impending. A sparrow says that you should beware the sea, and sell any stocks invested in food based companies. A pigeon means that your mother has died, or that all is well. It’s a bit uncertain. A humming bird tells us that the physical constants of the universe are slowly degrading, and may someday shift, invalidating the laws of physics and instantly wiping out the universe as we know it while simultaneously creating an entirely new universe, in a single transcendent moment of genocide and genesis. As for hawks, well: No one knows what hawks mean, or if they are real. Have you ever even seen a hawk? Of course not. No one has. This has been our Children’s Fun Fact Science Corner.
  • And now for a word from our sponsors. Today’s program has been sponsored by the physical act of gulping.
• Ep15
  • Today is Street Cleaning Day. Please remain calm. Street Cleaners will be upon us quite soon. We have little time to prepare. Please remain calm. The City Council has issued a statement in 20 point all-caps type, saying “RUN! RUN! FORGET YOUR CHILDREN AND LEAVE BEHIND THE WEAK! RUN!” We have contacted those experts who have not already gone underground or changed their identity, and have been told that Street Cleaners focus on heat and movement, and so the best strategy is to be dead already. Then the experts all swallowed pills and fell, mouths frothing, at my feet. If you have doors, lock them. If you have windows, board them up. If you still have ears, cover them, and crouch, wherever you are. It is Street Cleaning day. Please remain calm.
  • And now a word from our sponsors. Today’s broadcast is sponsored by Target. Target is a great place to shop, and they would like you to consider the variety of silence in this world. The deathly silence when an argument has reached a height from which neither party can see a safe way down, and the soft, wet silence of post-coital breath catching. Silence in a courtroom, moments before a man’s life is changed completely by something so insignificant as his past, and the silence of a hospital room as a man, in front of everyone he loves, lets the heat from his clenched hands dissipate into the background hum of the universe. The quiet of outdoor distances, of wilderness, of the luxury of space, and the quiet of dead air on the radio, the sound of a mistake, of emphasis, of your own thoughts when you expected someone else’s.
    
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  • Dear listeners, I've been told to inform you that you are to stop looking at the clouds immediately. Stop knowing about the clouds. Intern Stacey tells me in my headset here that they've also been censoring my broadcast. Well, I back our public protectors, and if they say to stop knowing about whatever it was I was talking about, then I'll stop knowing about it. Let's go now to the sounds of predatory birds.
  • There are several accidents to report. In fact, infinite accidents. Everything is an accident. Or at least, let us hope so. This has been traffic.
  • Ladies and gentlemen, it is not possible for us to exactly do another news report on Street Cleaning day, as no information can get through the barricades and seals that are keeping us safe within our broadcasting bunker. Instead we offer the following impressionistic list of what we believe is happening outside our secure perimeter: Screaming. A slow movement downwards. The crunch of items made of wood and items not made of wood. A quick movement upwards. Char. A smell like rotting seaweed, or a poisoned ocean. The song “La Bamba”, only faster. You know that feeling when you realize you’re not alone? Only more so. Screaming. Screaming. Screaming. Ladies and gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen. The Street Cleaners are upon us. What can we do? What is there to do? Besides, perhaps, taking you in a haze of terror and heat, to the weather.
• Ep16
  • Publishing Editor Leann Hart, speaking to television and internet reporters outside the burned down shell of the Journal's former distribution plant, said their new mission as a newspaper is to kill news bloggers with hatchets. The Sheriff's Secret Police is issuing an urgent message to all citizens. Attention all citizens: Memorize this list. Memorize it now. It will not now, nor ever, be repeated. Memorize this list for your safety and protection. We cannot tell you when or where you will need to know it, but when you do, you will be safe. Here is the list. Memorize. Now. Hazelnut. Mystify. Cuttlefish. Lark. Lurk. Robert. Anglican. Pheromone halter top marmalade hardware laser pepper release kneecap falafel period chase chaste leggings wool sweater heartbeat heartbeat heart beat. Heart. Beat. Beat. Beat. Beat. Beat. Memorize that list, citizens. In order. Secret Police warn that if you miss even one word or transpose a couple of words like lurk and lark, there could be unpleasant consequences. This has been a special announcement from the Sheriff's Secret Police.
  • Drinking fountains are being installed in the lobby, as well as dunking chambers and a state-of-the-art fainting pool.
  • Thank you again, Night Vale. May you, too, find love in this dark desert. May it be as permanent as the blinking lights and as comforting as the dull roar of space. Good night, Night Vale. Good night.
• Ep17
  • Many of today’s flights will be delayed for several hours while the rest will be moved into the past and will have already happened last week.
  • Martin said: “I know going through both a metal and full body scanner, as well as crawling through a lengthy pitch black tunnel while a recording of a monotone male voice lists possible ways of dying, are all inconveniences, and I know that many travelers are concerned with privacy issues involving the voice of a small child that comes through strategically placed ceiling grates, asking them to name every person they have ever kissed, but these are all necessary evils.”
  • And now for corrections. We offer the following corrections to previous reports broadcast on Night Vale Community Radio: 1. Blue, not green. 2. A low whirring sound was heard only by those to the West of it. 3. The witness’s name was Henry Greggson, and not, as we reported, Crystal Souleater. 4. We were feeling, at best, fine, and not, as we stated on the record, “pretty good thanks”. 5. No! No! Do not do what we advised! We were so terribly, terribly wrong. If you have done it already…well, our heart goes out to those who miss you. Please forgive us. Please forgive us. This has been corrections.
  • “The mayor smells of olives. The mayor burns like a match tip and casts her flickering light upon the darkened path of fate. The mayor does not have keys to the stone door, the mayor IS the stone door and all that quivers behind it. The mayor is forgiving. The mayor makes no mistakes. The mayor clutches tightly to your lungs, all six arms embracing your savory breaths. Let the mayor out. Let the mayor out. Let the mayor out.” There were no follow-up questions, but the press pool did let out a simultaneous “omm” as fire burst forth from the podium, and the conference room ceiling flew away revealing a midday night sky that had grown cancerous with blinking stars.
  • Amazon.com. The only website now. Where did the rest of them go? Do not ask. Do not ask.
• Ep18
  • She began proceedings by vibrating slightly and staring at the sun for five straight minutes. Once these usual pleasantries were over, she read her statement, which was the following: THE FENCES IN THE CAVES. A HEART THROBBING FOR WHAT IT CANNOT HAVE. A HEART NOT HAVING WHAT IT NEEDS TO THROB. THE FENCES IN THE CAVES. HEAT FROM BELOW AND ABOVE BUT ALL IS COLD BETWIXT. THE FENCES IN THE CAVES. THE FENCES IN THE CAVES. Then she vanished in a puff of green smoke. Several follow-up questions were asked, but since no one was at the podium, none of them were answered. Many of the questions were rhetorical anyway. After the round of questioning, a few arrests were made and the chosen journalists were led away to wherever journalists are taken when they disappear forever. All in all, a relatively uneventful press conference.
  • Friday afternoon is free admission day at the Children's Science Museum. After school, take the kids to the newest exhibit: “Frogs: Truth or Legend.”
  • Saturday has been merged with Sunday to create Superday.
  • And Tuesday is Hornet-Free dining at the Olive Garden.
  • Tock Wallaby's wife Hershel has given birth to an adult man's detached hand, which they have named Megan.
• Ep19A
  • Blinking red light in the night sky. The future is changing, but it's hard to tell. Welcome to Night Vale.
  • They come in twos. You come in twos. You and you. Kill your double.”
  • I just do not believe violence is ever the answer. (It is a question. The real answer is far more terrifying.)
  • Got a home improvement project? Need help? Incomplete? Having feelings? Strange feelings? Feelings you've never felt? Incomplete? Is your body filled with hot blood, waving curves of sinew and skin? Can you feel all that blood? Is it even your blood? How can you be sure? Incomplete? Are you dizzy from it all? All of this? What are your hands doing? Incomplete? Where are your hands now? Where have they been? Where are they going? Where are you going? Have you ever broken the surface of something with a hammer? Ever channeled sublime thought into sandpaper? Ever wanted to touch something because you feel things? Because touch is the only sense you trust? Incomplete? What is trust? Is making a thing proof that you exist? Is fixing a thing proof that you have transcended mortality? History? Incomplete? Feel things? Feel things? You can do it. We can help. The Home Depot.
• Ep19B
  • Look around you. Strex. Look inside you. Strex. Go to sleep. Strex. Believe in a smiling God. Strexcorp: it is everything.
  • Got something to say? Need to say it? Unfulfilled? Never made sense of what you are? Who you were? What you will be? Unfulfilled? Do you forget sometimes about your own skin? Your own hair? Other people's hair and skin? Can you make more hair? More skin? Do you need more hair and/or skin? Unfulfilled? Are you satisfied with it all? Do you see it all? What room are you in? What room do you want to be in? How big is your room? Unfulfilled? Have you ever said a thing inside your brain and then sent it to your hand to move a pencil to write it into symbols onto a paper, which used to be a tree, and then used your eyes to translate those symbols back into the thing you just said inches away in your brain and then re-said it with your mouth into an ear? Whose ear was it? Unfulfilled? Ever eaten things that made you think differently? Breathed things? Unfulfilled? Feel things? Felt things? We are you. Strexcorp.
  • This is Cecil, and I do not know where I am. It is clearly a radio studio, but the walls are covered in blood, and instead of dials and buttons on the sound board, there is just animal viscera, glistening under the green LED lights.
  • There is so much blood, it is seeping into my shoes. There are – oh master of us all, no – teeth scattered across the floor. The window into the control booth is shattered and there is a swath of skin and a fistful of long, clumping hair hanging from a sharp glass point.
• Ep20
  • Last year, over 800 thousand poems were written by Night Vale residents and then eaten during the Poetry Week's closing ceremonies by real, live librarians who were chained to thick titanium posts inside double-locked steel cages.
  • I fell in love with a hooded figure who tied my tongue with an ink ligature, and silently urged I write this po-em. Please believe me, I wasn’t forced, through bone telepathy or the code of Morse, to pen this uncoded, unsubversive gem. On the desert farms, the ghost eyed maidens make the cheese while a maelstrom of thick milk falls with ease. Our punishment? Hotblooded clotted cream. The days here pass like cancerous sunspots. And black metal trees can’t compare to car lots. You are in Night Vale – Welcome.
  • Wade capped off her reading by screaming "It is lies. It is lies!" before separating into minute white particles and fluttering away on a swirling breeze. Like soft snow, she covered our hair and light coats and, like snow, it smelled of fennel and meat. Then a voice announced over the PA "Everything is perfect in our little town." Poetry Week has begun, Night Vale! It's going to be a great one!
  • The town criers have cross-stitched their mouths shut and stapled their eyes open. The benches are all broken. No one sits down anyway. No one can fit their broken wings beneath their cloaks. A skin condition that makes its victims appear timelessly sad afflicts most. Prominent citizens drown in the carpool lane. Their makeup floats to the surface. Wine glasses clink together. They hate each other. They clink. Until one breaks and then the other. There is no such thing as vagrants. There is no such thing as home. The sun has a tic. No one can afford flowers but the children stand very still in the garden. Until the cold snap cracks.
  • Today they scratched me from sleep. Nails unhinged, carving my name in cement. Ash stains my pillow and bruises the shape of spiders climb my neck. Sunlight catches dust and broken glances between strangers dodging desert puddles of something metallic. I'm highly contagious, quarantined to another body I've since infected. I will seep into you if you hold me too tightly. I assemble your letters, left torn in the pocket of a hospital gown. I stain the paper with sweat. I'm beginning to steal your voice. The voice that lies Dying in the Dog Park.
  • And now a word from our sponsor. With low interest rates, now is the perfect time to buy a home. Just name your amenity. Every house in Night Vale has a luxurious view of the void. We also have great schools and plenty of spiders. Who wouldn't want to settle down in Night Vale? Seek a licensed realtor to help you find the house of your dreams. Realtors live inside deer. When you find an undersized stag or ailing doe you can catch, simply wrestle it down and knife open the chest cavity. Then let the realtor inside help you achieve your American Dream.
  • So start looking today for your new Night Vale home. As the old saying goes “Streets swallow their own tails and choke.”
  • Today’s proverb: Pain is just weakness leaving the body and then being replaced by pain. Lots of pain.
• Ep21

She was then heard to deny the sky, the existence of a loving deity, and eggs. Eggs aren’t real, she said. Nuh uh. Show me an egg. That’s not an egg. What’s an egg? Who let you in here?

• As the Subway motto goes: A thousand ways in, no way out, eat fresh. Eat so terribly, terribly fresh. Terribly, awesomely, gruesomely, terrifyingly fresh.
• For more on this world ending story, we now go live to the sound of an aquarium pump: [AS DESCRIBED]
• Now: traffic. The Night Vale Department of Transportation has advised us that work crews are slithering on certain sections of Route 800. Commuters are advised to drive slowly in these marked areas as construction hatted workers will be roiling on the ground all over the place, a heaving mass of limbs and lolling, panting mouths. Fines for traffic violations in these marked areas are double. All fines outside of the marked areas are quadruple, as usual.
• Also, the DoT has asked me to read the following advisory notice, using their exact wording. So: “Silver Hawk, Copperhead, and the Gopher, activate. I repeat, activate. Execute mission Alpha-November-Zulu-Zero-One-Three. Lethal Parameters Acceptable.”
• Seven lights in the window, seven lights in the hall, seven lights, seven lights all in all. Six notes in the melody, six notes form a dirge, six notes to rid you of the urge. Five ways of escaping, five ways all blocked off, five ways each one broken and lost. Four words in a whisper, four words in your ear, four words that fill you up with fear. Three taps of a finger, three taps on a wall, three taps as you try to stall. Two eyes wide and desperate, two eyes squinting scared, two eyes open yes but nothing there. One light in the window, one light in the hall, one light one light all in all. Taco Bell. Live Más.
• Europe is not just about looking at monuments and talking to monuments and licking monuments.
• Ep22
  • There's a thin, semantic line separating weird and beautiful, and that line is covered in jellyfish. Welcome to Night Vale.
• The School Board president, an enormous Glow Cloud that drops animals from great heights and casts a looming fog of despair over all it covers, added “GROVEL MORTALS. PUT YOUR TONGUES TO THE SOIL AND BEG FOR YOUR WORTHLESS LIVES”
  • Step one: find a foreign dictionary or hymnal. It is strongly preferred that you choose something in Russian or Ukrainian, but German will work, too. Step two: carve out several pages, creating a secret compartment in the book. Step three: write down your dream, in great detail, the moment you wake up. Step four: and this is the most important step of all: eat the paper you wrote your dream on and then place a bird skeleton in the book. Finally, bury the book near a magnolia or willow tree and repeat each day.
  • Monday is the opening of the new exhibit at the Children's Science Museum. The exhibit is called "THE MOON IS A LIE.” It explores how the moon is a government-created myth to keep us all from knowing about the ancient alien machinery that controls the oceans. In the Hands-On Learning Room, children will be able to make their own moons out of styrofoam and aggressive propaganda, just like the masons did.
  • Thursday is recycling pickup day: paper goes in blue bags, plastic in clear, and any teeth you have lost because of last week's public water mishap should be gently placed in a wooden box & set afire.
• Ep23
  • As a compromise, the School Board agreed to booby trap the machines with swinging blades and an electrical maze to promote healthier drink choices and physical activity, which can help burn off all that sugar. To make up for the potentially lowered income from fewer purchases, the School Board said they would raise soda prices, remove all water fountains and sinks in the building, and double up the salt in all cafeteria dishes.
  • The School Board concluded their announcement with the following: “ALL HAIL. ALL PRAISE. ALL SUBMIT BEFORE THE GLOW CLOUD.” Then they sprayed themselves and reporters with shaken up 2-liters of warm Sierra Mist.
  • Fear is consciousness plus life. Regret is an attempt to avoid what has already happened. Toast is bread held under direct heat until crisp. The present tense of regret is indecision. The future tense of fear is either comedy or tragedy. And the past tense of toast is toasted.
• Ep24
  • Listeners, are you lost? Don't know where to turn? Might I recommend THE BROWN STONE SPIRE? Do you need cash? Cast your eyes to THE BROWN STONE SPIRE. Alone? Drowning in back taxes and legal problems? Look at THE BROWN STONE SPIRE. Night Vale's newest Spire, built in the night several weeks ago by unknown agents or aliens or animals or just our collective imagination, the BROWN STONE SPIRE offers itself to all those who are down on their luck or destitute or simply being crushed by the consequences of their own malfeasance. THE BROWN STONE SPIRE DOES NOT CARE! THE BROWN STONE SPIRE DOES NOT DISCRIMINATE BASED ON PETTY MORALS. Divorce? Out of work? GIVE YOURSELF TO THE BROWN STONE SPIRE. You may be asking how much does it cost to receive help from THE BROWN STONE SPIRE? I can assure you it does not cost money. It costs other things, but if you're concerned about what those costs are then you are not in enough trouble for THE BROWN STONE SPIRE. You just need a lawyer. But if you are filled with glass shards of regret... THE BROWN STONE SPIRE... or screaming impotently at an indifferent moon... then no need to look.... THE BROWN STONE SPIRE WILL FIND YOU. THE BROWN STONE SPIRE has a slogan. It cannot be pronounced. This message was brought to you by Wendy's.
• Other reports indicated the Mayor concluded by lighting the podium on fire, kicking it over and climbing the 12-feet high smooth, obsidian walls, quickly, gracefully, like a salamander and then shouting several things that sounded like Russian vulgarities.
  • Today’s proverb: The most dangerous game is Man. The most entertaining game is Broadway Puppy Ball. The most weird game is Esoteric Bear.
• Ep25
  • mostly void, partially stars
  • “Guns don't kill people. Blood loss and organ damage does.” “Guns don't kill people. People kill guns.” “A list of things that kill people: 1. Conceivably anything. 2. Not guns.” “Guns don't kill people. We are all immortal souls living temporarily in shelters of earth and meat.” and “If you say guns kill people one more time I will shoot you with a gun and you will, coincidentally, die.”
  • We understand the lights. We understand the lights above the Arby’s. We understand so much. But the sky behind those lights, mostly void, partially stars, that sky reminds us: we don’t understand even more. Good night, Night Vale. Good night.
• Ep26
  • Trumpets playing soft jazz from out of the dark desert distance. They come tomorrow. It is too late for us. Welcome to Night Vale
  • The faceless old woman who secretly lives in your home does lots of things. Ever wonder why your web browser's history is filled with Bing searches for (quote) pictures of dead wolves or (quote) the melting point of birds? Or why sometimes your shower drain gets clogged with organ meats or why sometimes you hear crying from behind the walls? Or scratching at the front door? Or you awaken to find long silver hairs on the pillow next to you?
  • And now, a public service announcement from the Greater Night Vale Medical Community. Are you feeling run down, even after 8 hours of sleep? Are you having trouble breathing between the hours of 2 and 4? Are you gaining several extra pounds of weight only to lose those pounds suddenly and then gain them back, all in 5 to 6 hour stretches of time? Are you craving soil, like all the time? Rich, dark soil that you just want cooling your tongue, filling your throat, your sinuses, your lungs, your belly? Are you digging up the earth in the early morning, screaming at the half-formed sun, as if it would cordially leave, returning you to the darkness you so richly deserve and physiologically demand? If you answered yes to all of those questions, then you’re fine. The program is working. All tests have been successful and phase 4 is imminent. This has been Community Health Tips.
  • Like, let’s all pretend Santa is a gift-giving old man & not a drugged-up government bear. And in the same vein, there’s no faceless old woman hiding in your home.
  • Listeners, stay tuned next for our newest hit program: Open-Mouthed Chewing. Tonight’s topic: glass shards – how to make the most out of a bad situation.
  • Proverb: The human soul weighs 21 grams. Smells like grilled vegetables. Looks like a wrinkled, tartan quilt. And sounds like bridge traffic.
• Ep27
  • Tuesday is a holiday. Make sure you have adequate emergency supplies and plenty of clear plastic sheeting. We’re not sure which holiday it is, so have all possible antidotes on hand.
  • It was just us, and the trees, and the crowd of our fellow citizens who were all doing the usual recreational activity of pointing at the sky and shouting in terror.
  • Looking for a home security solution? Good luck with that. Want to feel safe when driving your car? Get in line. Fearful when walking alone at night? Well you should be. When life seems dangerous and unmanageable, just remember that it is, and that you can’t survive forever. Denny’s restaurants. Why not?
  • Just peel back those artificial layers, Night Vale. Unzip that name brand coat, those skinny jeans, wipe off that make up, and gently (but very quickly) peel off that skin that's covering up the true you. Look at those exposed eyes, dangling unprotected from their gaping sockets. Look at the blood and sinew slowly uncoiling from quivering bones. Admire that slippery viscera trying to squeeze under those dynamic ribs of yours. You are organic, to be sure, listener. Be proud of who you are.
• Ep28
  • Does it even matter how many living things you touched today, or where they all are now? Welcome to Night Vale
  • The Summer Reading program for children and teens has begun at the Night Vale Public Library. This comes as an alarming surprise, given that the program was abolished by the City Council thirty years ago. Though parents and teachers have asked on several occasions to reinstate the program, the City Council has maintained its position, citing lack of taxpayer funds, the extreme danger posed by books, the peril of exposing children to librarians, and of course, the incident that precipitated the ban, which the town’s older residents will refer to only as "the Time of

Knives."

• Nevertheless, in a show of civic dedication – or mindless bloodlust – and they are so similar– Night Vale's librarians have banded together in defiance of authority to reinitiate Summer Reading. Colorful posters with appealing statements like "Get into a good book this summer!" and “We are going to force you into a good book this summer." and “You are going to get inside this book and we are going to close it on you and there is nothing you can do about it,” have appeared overnight around the Library entrance and in local shops and businesses, all sporting the clever tagline “Catch the flesh-eating reading bacterium". The Sheriff's Secret Police have responded by interrogating the proprietors of businesses where the posters have appeared, and by removing and confiscating the posters themselves – although to be honest, listeners, the graphic design work is really cute. I mean, have you seen them? The little flesh-eating germ with his sunhat and library book, using a screaming, semi-skeletal human victim as a beach chair? Adorable!
• And now a public service announcement. Here is a brief list of everything that is helpful: -The Sheriff’s Secret Police -Clouds -Anger -The City Council -Affection falling just short of love. -Ceiling fans -Lungs -Other sundry organs -Laws -Government -Helicopters -The 2005 Honda Accord -Secrets. -Whispers. -Ultimately, nothing. Anything not specifically named in this list should be considered not helpful and potentially dangerous. It’s not just good sense, it’s the law.
• As their catchy new slogan puts it: "Once it gets dark, forget everything you ever knew, and be silent; words belong to our enemies, and our enemies are words, so be as mute and pure as a bone bleached clean by our desert sun. By our desert sun."
• Congratulations! You are eligible for a FREE 30 day trial! This FREE 30 day trial comes with everything you need, including a FREE arrest, FREE charges, FREE arraignment, and FREE conviction, GUARANTEED. Shipping and handling not included. Defense lawyer also not included. We have you surrounded. The more you struggle, the worse it will be for you. Put that down. Put it down. Put that down. This message brought to you whether you like it or not.
• The Freemasons have announced some changes to their hierarchy. These changes are the following: Whereas before the Freemasons were under the authority of the Stone Masons Worldwide, they will now be an independent subsidiary of the Hallowed Mason Council, which itself will be split into four branches, corresponding with the four directions we glance when nervous. The Hallowed Mason Council will also provide guidance and financial support to the Retailmasons, the Wholesalemasons, and the Discountmasons, except in cases involving inter-Masonry disputes, which will, as before, be subject to the Small Brotherhood of the Large Chamber, the Large Brotherhood of the Small Chamber, or the Properly Fitted Brotherhood, depending on the patterns discerned in bones cast by a fully licensed member of the Masonic Drone Legion or one of their proxies. Now, of course the masons will continue their proud fraternal associations with the Illuminati. However, the Illuminati will itself be splitting into ten distinct factions, as follows: Red, Green, Eagle, Faction 4, the Real Illuminati, the Other Real Illuminati, Red Again, Alpha, Windhind, and HungryManBrandFrozenFoodsOfficialllySponsoredIlluminati. This split will be overseen by the Council of Three, which will be supported by the Council of Five, and monitored by the Council of Zero. Elections for the Council of Zero will be held never, and will result in nothing. Discretionary funds for the Illuminati and Freemason Alliance Committee will be funneled through a number of secret bank accounts, their numbers known to no one, and their secrets kept forever. All this is in accordance with the General Secret Agreement of the General Secret Alliance of the General Secret Community, representing all brotherhoods and organizations obscure and hidden, including the Harpoon League, the Flying Cape, the Six Ancient Truths, and the Dental Underground. The Freemasons would also like to remind you that none of this may be known to you, and that they are only telling you this to demonstrate your fragile mind, which barely parsed the words as they were spoken, and have already forgotten the secrets contained just moments later. You will never know anything, and you will not even know that.
• An alert citizen has called in to report "inhuman shrieking, thick meaty sounds, and a coppery-rotten smell of gore and viscera" coming from the now sealed and impenetrable Night Vale Public Library. Which are, of course, all fairly standard elements of the Summer Reading program as described in the library director's original proposal.
• Ep29
  • Our black suns move erratically, like drunken bees, and each of them stings. Now more than ever we are full of blood and honey. Welcome to Night Vale.
  • The only hints can be found in the brochures littering the entrances, describing the ease with which we will now commute, the hungers we will sate, the time we will travel, the times we will travel, the happy memories we will never be able to shake loose even when we wake up screaming.
  • I'm looking at one of the new subway brochures right now. There is no logo. Just smiling faces, with teeth unusual in their shapes, colors, and spacing, but otherwise quite normal looking teeth. And the phrase “oh the place you will go!” written in heavy sans serif font across the eyes of smiling train riders, clutching tightly to bags and metal rails and each other.
  • For instance, here it says that our new subway system will streamline the rush hour commute, but about halfway down, it's a series of nearly indecipherable glyphs our experts insist hint at “non-euclidean emotions” and “appeasement,” (though we think this may be a euphemism for “fares”).
  • Cars are impersonal machines that close us off from humanity, and with the rising cost of gas and the large iridescent tongues that have been growing from Route 800, I think the subway will be a positive addition to our community.
  • And now a look at the financial markets. You will turn yourself inside out. Your sadness will know no bounds. Ladybugs will flee you, wolves run wild in you. You will hear the windchimes like shattering. The sun will drip ichor. Whatever peace you find will be taken from you. Nothing will be the same. Nothing has ever been the same. "Correlation is not causation," you will whisper to the rising moon as you hear several foxes fleeing your vicinity. This has been business news.
  • This does not appear to be a standard government-created earthquake.
  • The future of urban planning is here, Night Vale, and like our own imminent futures, it is buried in the earth.