- Ep30
- That is not how we do things, she said. That is not how we do things, she whispered. That is not how we do things, she mouthed silently as a single, dark red tear formed in the corner of her eye and then slowly rolled down her taut, olive cheek and onto her clay-stained smock.
- Dogs are not only great family companions but also help childhood development. By regularly feeding, walking, fighting, denying the existence of, and ultimately soul-merging with the family dog, young children learn about responsibility, empathy, and pyrokinesis. There are, of course, some breeds of dogs that are not right for children. Those breeds include: Spider Wolves, Double Wolves, Switchbladed Mountain Dogs, Secret Terriers, Flesh-eating Spaniels, Pit Vipers, and Table Saws. Visit the SPCA for more information on the right dog for your family.
- But as the old saying goes, "If wishes were horses, those wishes would all run away, shrieking and bucking, terrified of a great unseen evil."
- Ep31
- Our God is an awesome god, much better than that ridiculous god that Desert Bluffs has. Welcome to Night Vale.
- We reached out for comment to the president of Night Vale Community College, Sarah Sultan, who is a smooth, fist-sized river rock, about the extreme beliefs expressed by a staff member. Sarah had no comment, as she is a smooth, fist-sized river rock and unable to speak. She can write however, and wrote No Comment before drawing an insulting caricature of your humble reporter, which was hurtful and unnecessary.
- Mayor Pamela Winchell was seen holding her official Mayoral bloodstone aloft towards the mountain and the blinking light up on it.
- Let us go now, and I do hope we come back, to the weather.
- Ep32
- A lonely heart. A wandering eye. An empty stomach. A shoulder to cry on. This is what makes us us. Welcome to Night Vale.
- The Night Vale Medical Board wants to know: are you heart healthy? How healthy is your heart? Have you ever checked? Doctors recommend checking your heart at least once a year. Simply separate the skin on your upper chest and break open the ribs. (Here’s a tip: if you don’t have a bone saw handy, just sterilize any old electric saw you might have in your work shed). Right behind your ribs, kind of to the left is a potato-shaped muscle lump filled with straw and maybe some insects. That’s your heart! Pull that out and sew your chest back up. Wash your heart in warm water. Pat dry with a paper towel and roll flat on a floured surface. Brown on both sides in a saute pan and eat immediately. Remember: a healthy heart is a healthy life. This has been Community Health Tips.
- The coach then reached his fingers into his mouth, pulling his tongue slowly out, slowly, slowly, not stopping. He kept pulling his seemingly endless tongue out, staring at the reporters the whole time. After he stretched it to about two feet the last reporter left the room, clearly shaken. The coach remained in his office quietly, and with wide eyes, pulling out his enormous tongue.
- "I told him. John Peters - you know the farmer - his imaginary corn crop had been good this summer, and the sun seemed to be doing just fine," Larry said, "although, some days there’s no sunrise at all, and on other days the sunrise is extremely loud."
- PROVERB: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never quite describe the pain.
- Ep33
- I was digging through some of the stored up belongings clogging my closet, you know, childhood toys, blood soaked rags, a gem the size of a fist that shows you visions of yourself as an old man staring wistfully back at the past that is your now.
- The Museum of Forbidden Technologies is proud to announce their new special exhibit, a startling and highly forbidden piece of technology brought to us by time travelers, or ancient long-dead aliens, or Russians, or whatever. The technology will be kept in a locked vault, which itself will be wrapped in thick black bandages with a hand-written sign taped to one side saying only “NOPE”. Your ticket includes a free audio guide, which will play a single piercing tone designed to considerately remove you from the world of thought and sound and sentience. The Museum of Forbidden Technologies. Bring your kids! Otherwise something even worse might happen to them!
- Oh, I forgot. Jesús never returned from investigating the bottomless pit in the intern breakroom.
- When you die, the surface of the moon will not change. The difference between the landscape and lighting of that barren little world from a moment where you exist to a moment where you do not will be minimal, and unrelated to your passing. From a car window driving on a highway, looking up at a moon framed by incidental clouds, the surface will be the same muddle of mystery and distance it always is. And even a methodical study of your absence as it pertains to moon geology and cartography will find nothing, searching through a powerful telescope and analyzing with computer algorithms built around your non-existence, even that study will find that all craters and rocks appear to be where we left them a few years back, that it is the same distance, orbiting at the same rate, and that the researchers feel just the way they did about the moon as they did before you died. Nothing will change about the moon when you die. It will be the same. Still the moon. Still there. Still the moon.
- Listeners, let’s take a moment to discuss measurement. The cardinal directions are North, West, South, and East. The cardinal temperatures are 35 degrees Fahrenheit, 67 degrees Fahrenheit, 3 degrees Celsius, and 10 degrees Kelvin. The cardinal locations are: a cave, a long abandoned cabin, the bottom of an oceanic trench, and City Hall. The cardinal emotions are wild abandon, guarded affection, directionless jealousy, and irritation. The cardinal birds are hawk, sparrow, finch, and owl. The cardinal names are Jeremy, Kim, Trigger, and Jamie. And finally, the cardinal sounds are a door slamming, slight movement in still water, popcorn popping, and a standard guitar G string being snipped with wire cutters. This has been the Children’s Fun Fact Science Corner.
- Strexcorp: Think deeply about meadows. Meadows are important.
- Leonard lolls his tongue out of his thick purple lips. Leonard hisses. Being an intern is great.
- Ep34
- Life is like a box of chocolates: unopened, dusty, and beginning to attract a lot of insects. Welcome to Night Vale.
- "Our daughter, Megan, is a detached adult man's hand," screamed Megan's mother.
- "DO NOT DISCARD YOUR DEAD IN THE EARTH," intoned the glow cloud. "STRETCH THEM OUT BENEATH THE SKY AND LET THEM BE CLAIMED BY HANDS THAT REACH DOWN FROM ABOVE. YOU ARE PERMITTED TO BELIEVE THESE ARE THE HANDS OF ANGELS."
- Fire is the answer to your unasked questions. Fire that climbs the slats and mounts the roof. Fire that crawls, fire that quests, like fingers, into every corner and every nook. Fire that turns each moment into smoke until the moments choke the air. The smell of a gun. A smile on the beach. A hug. A birthday. Pouring out of broken windows. Funneling up and into the sky. Your music, your lyrics, the leaden prose of your life that proves everything you are and are not. The structures you build to make futility seem like meaning. The dead and living, who will soon be dead, who will soon be gone, who will soon be smoke, rising in columns and forming clouds in the night sky. For now and ever, by the will of dead and dying gods. Samsonite. Travel safe. Samsonite does not claim that you are safe, only that the illusion of protection can be achieved. But you are not safe. You have never been safe. Also, clouds were never supposed to have happened. Never. Not ever. This world should not be as it is now.
- This Friday the staff of Dark Owl Records will be putting on a live concert. They will be scratching madly at the sides of a deep pit in a rarely traveled part of the desert. They will also be screaming and starving. They will be crying and clawing. No one will hear them for days. They will be found, but they will not be the same. Tickets are not available and never were.
- Tuesday is a joke. A terrible terrible joke.
- We are no longer prisoners of electricity, except for the man we keep in the cage of electricity at the zoo, and we have no choice about that. If we let him out, he might tell somebody.
- Ep35
- No one has seen the trees this week. Hopefully they'll come back soon. Welcome to Night Vale.
- He’s mowing the lawn and whistling. The lawn is whistling back.
- All of them received one stamp on their Alert Citizen Card. As always, five stamps means stop sign immunity for a year! Also, congratulations to Jake Garcia, who has completely filled up THREE alert citizen cards, thus giving him the mandatory right to disappear forever.
- Remember what Secret Police mascot Barks Ennui always says: Citizens, be alert! But not too alert! There is much that you should not see! Only you can prevent your own house mysteriously catching on fire. Woof! Woof!” Haha, I bet Barks is such a cute little cartoon dog. Maybe someday the Secret Police will declassify what he looks like.
- The Vague Yet Menacing Government Agency would like to remind you that UFOs are totally not a thing. They remind you that UFOs are merely weather balloons, and further, that weather balloons are merely misplaced clouds, that clouds are merely dreams that have escaped our sleep, that sleep is merely a practice for death, that death is merely another facet of our world, no different from, say, sand or bicycles, and that the great glowing earth is merely the last thoughts of a dying man, laughing and shaking his head weakly at the improbability of it all. Remember, it’s not just the law. It’s an illusion.
- Thanksgiving is just around the corner, and you know what the means! It means it’s time for us to go groveling to the Brown Stone Spire, thanking it for all that it has done and all that it has mercifully not done. This is just a great time to get the family together, eat your fill, then crawl out through the sharp rocks and sand until your knees leave blood streaks on the barren earth, and you feel the Brown Stone Spire loom up before you but you dare not look, you dare not look.
- The Brown Stone Spire: Give thanks. Cry out thanks. Scream thanks.
- And now for a word from our sponsors. Today’s broadcast is brought to you by CostCo: How much could a body even weigh? In addition, today’s broadcast is brought to you by waves of sound that are somehow carried by a form of light and that a machine is turning into an invisible man talking to you, intimately, quietly, into your ear. That doesn’t seem natural to us. Strexcorp Synernists Inc. Distrust all that you previously trusted.
- Miranda then thanked us for attending the announcement, and dug her way back into the Flakey O’s offices using her large, claw-like paws.
- Frances Donaldson, manager of the Antiques Mall, has gone back to violently smashing her stock of old items, as is usual.
- Stay tuned next for a keening howl, a scratch at the door, a hood falling suddenly over your face, and a delicious roasted squash recipe your family will just love.
- Ep36
- Red sky at night, sailors delight. Red sky at night, the sailors are howling and laughing. The sailors begin to surround us, and the night sky is so very red. Welcome to Night Vale.
- Friday is an open house at the Night Vale Community College. Thinking about furthering your education? Considering taking Winter Semester classes? Well, it’s a trap. Do not go near the Night Vale Community College this Friday. Nice try giant worms, but we know your tricks. Faking a community college open house is very obvious, don’t you think? I mean, it was a nice touch creating a fake press release to get into various news outlets like ours, but we see through you. We really do. Your skin is translucent, and it’s kind of gross. No offense.
- Deep, deep, deep in the grass, grass, grass, what grows, grows, grows? Who knows, knows, knows? Strex. Strrreexxxxx. Strrrrreexxxxxxx. StrexCorp Synernists Inc: Working hard so you can work harder. Work harder. Seriously. Work harder. StrexCorp. Get to work.
- Sheila Nowitzki, a pilot for one of the many black helicopters that are routinely circling NIght Vale, said she’s a harmless spy from the World Government and would never harm an American child without a direct order.
- Listeners, today I want to talk to you about the dangers of deer. Are they beautiful? Yes. Are they graceful and picturesque, even borderline majestic beasts? Yes, yes, and yes. And are they helpful to the community because real estate agents live inside of them? Of course. But deer are also dangerous creatures. They are terrible, deceitful, and vile animals. I’m not being mean. This is just basic science. Look, I know deer are cute and friendly-looking. We all remember adorable little Bambi from the classic animated movie, with his sweet voice and white-freckled rump. But we also remember the bloody end that he wrought on the humans at the end of the film, the graphic beheadings and trees streaked with gore during the famous, revenge-fueled climax. The lesson of that movie, as in life itself, is that nature is gorgeous, and it is horrible, and it will kill you. This has been the Children's Fun Fact Science Corner.
- Ep37
- They hope to raise seven point three million dollars and they say the piñata is armored and will be used to crush rebellions.
- Lot 4 is a set of flying daggers with maniacally-detailed designs on the shaft collars. Knife collectors and maniacs alike will want to bid on those. Don't get in the way of that bidding war!
- Let's see, there are also carpets, and some mid-century modern furniture -- oh, those are very stylish -- and look, Lot 17 is a near-mint copy of Uncanny X-Men number 3, 1964. It has slight foxing to the back cover, perfect registration of the color separations, off-white pages, rustless staples, high cover gloss and no Marvel chipping. And it features the first appearance of The Blob. Not the Blob who lives in the housing development out back of the elementary school, the fictional one.
- What else? Lot 37 is...um….Cecil Palmer. (beat) There is no description. (beat) Listeners, we'll have more on this auction as it develops.
- On the lighter side of the news, today an invincible, all-powerful alien presence with telepathic powers came to Night Vale to enslave us all. It planned to bend every sentient being to its will, ending violence and conflict by subjugating all of us to its omniscient telekinetic powers. Hilariously, this all-powerful but bumbling alien presence didn’t know we were already subjugated to the omniscient force that's been controlling our thoughts for years. We're guaranteed to continue our violent and irrational ways, so in your face, inept newcomer presence.
- The Faceless Old Woman Who Secretly Lives In Your Home has taken to leaving leaflets inside the wiring and pipes of your appliances, to be found when the sparking and the shaking become so much that you must hire or capture a repair person. The leaflets are tastefully designed, with an anatomically detailed drawing of a sparrow’s heart and the simple slogan: “You are fragile and blind and wanting and stepping alone into the great darkness of the future.” It also has her five point policy platform, which is mostly interesting facts she has learned about bees.
- His heads have radically different personalities and agendas, leading to some discord in their messages, but they all agree that they would like to be elected, that youth sports programs are important, and that the “Time of the Lizard” will soon be upon the helpless human race.
- Hey, kids. Ever go walking in the woods and wonder whether a fairy ring of mushrooms is poisonous? Well, look at its center. If there's a body no older than yourself lying there, the ring is perfectly fine. If the body is also screaming, the ring is perfectly fine. Everything is perfectly fine. There is nothing under your bed. There is nothing in your closet. Your parents are most likely actually your parents, regardless of what the Faceless Old Woman Who Secretly Lives In Your Home might tell you. Do not fear the black helicopters or the black, windowless school buses that circle your block at night. You need not be afraid of the boogieman. There hasn't been a sighting of a boogiemen for several months, or at least a couple weeks.
- This has been the Children’s Fun Fact Science Corner, brought to you by shame, loneliness, and the letter O.
may 4 2022 ∞
may 7 2023 +