- gaston was right when he said women shouldn't read books. they turn me flighty and fanciful, they make life boring, and they give me an incurable dissatisfaction in the pit of my stomach. the only solution, then, is to read more books.
- the two positions i most imagine myself in are these:
- with my head, cut viciously and bleeding profusely, smashed through a window, and--
- doubled over, hand over my mouth and arm around my stomach, trying not to vomit.
- if you are the world, then I am Atlas, and I will carry you on my shoulders with as much dignity and strength as I can muster.
- i wish i could stop clicking "thesaurus" when opening a new page on firefox. i don't need more words; i need less.
- & it's this weird mix, of motivation to change yourself & the self-deprecating belief that you can't; that if you were meant to be a better person, you would be; that you just don't have it in you to be brave or strong or radiant, and it'd be stupid to try.
- nobody makes me feel as terrible as you do.
- you make me want to stamp my feet and bang my fists and throw a fit in the middle of the restaurant. you are the perfect manifestation of all my daddy issues.
- i never want you to stop paying attention to me, and that makes me sick.
- please never talk to me again :-)
- i don't remember anything about you. or our relationship, for that matter.
- i've got two black eyes and a split lip, all because i can't stop beating myself up.
- i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this. this is purgatory this is hell this is the worst mistake i've ever made.
- i hate this.
- i like it when you kiss me (i want you to do it everywhere).
- even if you don't mean to, i think that you'll always come off as distant towards me, and it'll always stress me out.
- the problem is that i thought it would make me a better person. and i know i know i know you have to take steps to improve yourself, but i'm afraid that i'm too inherently evil to do it myself. and the problem is that it didn't--make me better, i mean. sometimes i think it made me worse. i don't know. but now i feel like i'm always going to be stuck this way, and that's a terrible thought.
- whether i take it or not, i'm miserable. the only change is why. and even if i did take it, i'd regret it almost immediately. the fact is that i'm just like milo from the phantom tollbooth--the grass always looks greener on the other side, no matter how many times i've been there.
- rlly want someone to ask me what my halloween plans are. bitterness is so much less satisfying when you have to bring it up yourself.
- today, i tried to bite my hands until they bled. it didn't work.
- i don't know. maybe i thought i'd be more like lyra, or hermione, or a heroine from a miyazaki film. either way, the prozac didn't give me what i wanted.
- i ruin absolutely everything i touch.
- if i wake up tomorrow, i'm going to be so fucking disappointed.
- "hey, you're too important to me to be this hard to communicate with." well fuck.
- 11/28/10 - i don't want to go to school and i don't want to go to college and i don't even want to leave my house. i don't want to turn on my phone or do anything that involves other people. i can't handle anything more than trying not to kill myself right now, and even that's proving to be a little much for me.
- 11/28/10 - it kills me that you're such an important person in my life. you have no idea what it takes for me not to run away from you.
- 11/28/10 - i want to email you, because i can't handle life and i can't handle this and i would really like some solutions that don't involve harming myself, please, but that would make me vulnerable and stupid and i wouldn't read your email back, anyway.
- 11/28/10 - i'm not getting anywhere with this. i'll try studying for my calc test tomorrow, because it doesn't really matter anymore.
- 12/1/10 - i'm okay during the day, but horrible at night, and i don't know how to reconcile the two. this is jarringjarringjarring.
- 12/8/10 - i think about you a lot, albeit in a retrospective, maybe-i-should-have-seen-this-coming way. still, it's been a year and a half, and i hate the idea that you cross my mind so much more than i do yours.
- of course, the frequency with which you've started posting on facebook doesn't help.
- 12/24/10 - pushing daisies makes me want to cry, + i don't know if i should follow this up with "god i'm pathetic" or "my relationship/trust/love issues are worse than i thought."
- quite possibly the worst thing about being depressed is that people will almost always think you're crazy, and you will almost always prove them right.
- 12/30/10 - i should be thinking about this more positively. in college, i'll have more chances to be social. i'll improve my writing skills. i'll get out of this godforsaken house. but i can't shake this romanticized idea of what life without college would be like, no matter how wrong i know it is.
- 12/30/10 - i don't want to go to college. not if it means leaving you.
- 1/2/11 - it's hard to get anything done nowadays. my restlessness has come back.
- 1/14/11 - YOU'RE MAKING IT SO EASY FOR ME TO HATE YOU MAN WHAT THE FUCK
- 1/31/11 - now i know.
- 2/27/11 - the worst part is that i knew this would happen. if there's anything senior year taught me, it's that going against my better judgment to please others/fulfill expectations never turns out well. let's file this one under "surprising revelations."
- 2/27/11 - well, at least this gives me another chance to say i was right.
- 2/27/11 - (i was right)
- 2/27/11 - telling people i'm sad will be the death of me.
- 3/6/11 - group therapy kind of sounds like fun...
- 3/10/11 - i'm glad we're talking again. i still giggle into my hands when i see you respond. (i'd like to show you the letter i wrote, but i'm afraid you'd find it weird.)
- 3/13/11 - it's true, though. the lower the expectations, the better. and you should never, ever let people know what you're capable of.
- 3/13/11 - part of me is hoping to fail all my classes. the ones i can get away with failing, at least.
- 3/14/11 - by any means necessary.
- 3/14/11- don't trust myself to be depressed. don't trust myself to be anything at all, actually. it's all in my head it's all in my head it's all in my head.
- 3/15/11 - melodrama.
- 3/15/11 - never hated myself more.
- 3/17/11 - ruining everything.
- 3/21/11 - matter of time.
- 3/25/11 - wanna die lol.
- 3/25/11 - gonna lie in bed + listen to brand new + hope i never wake up.
- 3/26/11 - my thoughts have calmed down. hopefully writing this down won't jinx anything or bring them back.
- 3/26/11 - sad + lonely + unsatisfied.
- 3/27/11 - always sad + lonely + unsatisfied. always always.
- 3/27/11 - i feel like at this point that's something we can all agree on.
- 3/27/11 - once you said that maybe this sadness was just something i would have to live with. i wanted to cry. ideally, i would get what i want without having to bandage it up with prozac--even if it meant being a different person, or living in a different universe. but i can't get what i want here. i really don't think i can get it anywhere.
- 3/28/11 - haven't wanted to kill myself this much in so long, man. i haven't felt this close to doing it in so long, either.
- 4/13/11 - in all honesty, i wish i could say i was better. i think there's a lot of pride in being able to doing that. actually getting better is another story.
- 4/14/11 - fuck mr. leader and fuck ap calc.
- 4/18/11 - okay okay okay.
- 4/18/11 - you're ruining me.
- 4/26/11 - this is a legitimate attempt on my part to turn myself into something that resembles a Functioning Human Being, but i guess hoping you'd support me was expecting too much.
- 4/26/11 - this sadness is kiiiiiiiilling me.
- 4/26/11 - i'm convinced that if i were more like chuck from pushing daisies, everything in my life would be perfect.
- 5/1/11 - want to vomit. i'm not sure if these are the kinds of things that can cause panic attacks, but i want to vomit and i can't relax and i fucking hate everyone.
- 5/1/11 - this is why i can't watch mad men. my relationship issues are ridiculous.
- 5/4/11 - no, but really. there's a significant part of me that wants to stop seeing you + never talk to you again. + the longer this goes on, the worse it's going to get.
- 5/9/11 - i can't believe i forgot what a source of comfort writing could be for me.
- 5/10/11 - can't tell if this is depression or senioritis. whoops?
- 5/11/11 - don't know which one of us i hate more.
- 5/12/11 - still mad at you, by the way, although at this point, i'm not entirely sure why.
- 5/16/11 - threw up this morning. ugh.
- 5/19/11 - still don't feel like i'm going in the right direction.
- 5/25/11 - proud :')
- 6/5/11 - i've been going to bed a lot earlier these days, because i'm bored and unsatisfied and sad and at a loss of what to do, and i don't like it. i'd rather get six hours of sleep than eight just because i don't like being awake.
- 6/6/11 - "sad" isn't quite the right word for it, but nothing else comes to mind.
- 6/14/11 - wish there was a word for this.
- 6/14/11 - how i feel late at night is never how i feel before going to bed.
- 7/3/11 - sorry. sorrysorrysorry.
- 7/5/11 - i'm always so sad. jesus CHRIST, i can't even handle it anymore. it's so overwhelming, i think it might kill me.
- 7/6/11 - FUCK EVERYTHING.
- 7/10/11 - this just in: i am super delirious? probably due to a mixture of weird sleeping habits + weird eating habits + not leaving the house very often + the sheer amount of time i spend imagining i'm someone else.
- 7/22/11 - wish i knew what i wanted.
jul 31 2010 ∞
aug 16 2012 +