- 1) I used to go to camp when I was younger, I remember one nite I had wet myself when I was asleep I woke up in the middle of the woods with my blue windbreaker pants with the three white lines sewn in vertically. Everyone was asleep; there were rows of people laying in their sleeping bags. I could have sworn a deer had grazed our campsite, I could have sworn I was awake all night. I walked back to camp and changed my pants. I think I have always been alone and frightened.
- 2) When I drink heavily, the majority of the time I black out, I have spaces of my memory occupied by other peoples’ memories of the events that the alcohol had taken out and they have informed me of. One nite I do remember remembering. It was the same nite I told myself I was sober enough to walk back home. I remember stumbling over pavements, running into peoples’ mailboxes, sitting on their lawns, I swerved all the way to the fire station, where I met a black dopehead, I talked to him a while incoherently telling him I could score him some dope, he followed me for about twenty minutes, in that time I sobered up. I think that is how I lost my wallet, I think I might have given it to him, I think I might have bought my life back. I ran all the way to a catholic church and slept there. I pissed my pants and walked to the bus station, a woman with missing teeth offered me a refry. I smoked those meticulously sorted stogues she found on the streets and ashtrays. I was still drunk. I decided to use the outdoor bathroom all tagged up, I think there might have been feces on the ceiling. I walked to Wal*Mart and stole things, the old lady who rung me up was frightened by me, I reeked of liquor, stale smoke, and of piss.
- 3) I have a tendency to urinate in cups, pitchers, measuring cups, bowls, and pots and pour them down the drain, I piss in the sink. I pissed outside your house. I pissed inside the middle of your street. I pissed outside a moving vehicle with the window rolled down. I pissed on your carpet. I pissed outside in broad daylight. I pissed around and on the toilet’s seat and didn’t wipe it off. I pissed on your cat. I pissed outside your work. I pissed all over myself that nite.
- 4) I’ve tasted cat’s blood, goat’s blood, cow’s blood, rabbit’s blood, squirrel’s blood, pig’s blood, bird’s blood, human blood, chicken blood, and rabbit’s blood. I am pretty sure they all taste the same to me.
- 5) Most of the intimate things I do, I do with my left hand, urinate, eat, paint, and masturbate.
- 6) I stare at people all the time. Anybody. I think it is because I am constantly comparing myself to other people. I feel alien and inhuman. I try to pick up as many mannerism as possible. I am serious too. The only downside is that no matter what I do, I still stand out, I am still unusual. I'm still an oddity.
- 7) I am a stalker. I stalk homeless people all the time. I create relationships with people I have never talked to, or most people would not want to. Homeless people, depraved people, dope-using people, sleazy people somehow gravitate to me.
- 8) I can spend hours looking up images. If I stumble upon an interesting website I will be there for hours. I will even read comments left on a youtube video even if there are thousands of comments. I am sick.
- 9)I keep having dreams where I get violently raped, or wolves coming to attack me, I fall down a hole for hours. I keep having dreams I am made of candy and I eat myself, my teeth turn raw and fall out of me. I keep having dreams I am a woman and I split myself in two, the other side I am a serial killer and I kill myself. I keep having dreams I get accused of molesting girls, and the town is at my heels, and I am running and I am wronged and there are feathers on the ground and dead, bloody foxes, and I escape to the most beautiful white-washed painted lady in Aromas, but it is not derelict at all. I keep having dreams I shave my beard and it means nothing to me. I keep having dreams I am inflated and I pop and I seep into the ground. I have dreams of people I have never met but they seem closer to me than my friends or family. I keep having dreams and I hate it. I don't even care to know what any of them mean. I feel everything, I feel it all.
- 10) I don't even know who I am anymore. I go to sleep and wake up and nothing gets reseted. I hate everybody I know. I think of ways I can be polite and extend myself to others to preserve the relationships I haave, but at the end of the day people are still shitty and not worth my time. I feel drained and irresponsible.
may 21 2010 ∞
may 21 2010 +
may 21 2010 +