• Pam...will you wait for me while I tie my shoes?
• As God as my witness I will quit.
• Or you could just be nice to your customers.
  • You're an idiot.
    • There's the charm
• Get a friend, loser.
• Maybe it's because you spent the whole year flirting with the receptionist.
  • Little bit. Worth it.
• Do you want to be in an alliance with me?
• Microgement.
• Absofruitly.
• Dwight get out of my nook
  • That's what she said! That's what she said, that's what she said!!
    • Good one.
• I can't tell you how much left over guacamole I have ended up eating over the years. I don't even know why I'm making such great quantities.
• I say if Jesus saw that he would freak out! He would freak out Toby!
• Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.
• You can't fire me, I don't work in this van!!
• We usually marry standing in our own graves. It makes the funerals very romantic, but the weddings are a bleak affair.
• Lord, beer me strength.

favorite episodes

• Customer Survey
• Lecture Circuit Part 1