From Calvin and Hobbes (a plethora of great quotes to live life by):

• Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.
• Reality continues to ruin my life.
• Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless.
• It's psychosomatic. You need a lobotomy. I'll get a saw.
• A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction to a battle of wills and add drama to an otherwise dull day.
• That's the difference between me and the rest of the world! Happiness isn't good enough for me! I demand euphoria!
• In my opinion, we don't devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks.
• You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocketship underpants don't help.
• What's the point of wearing your favorite rocketship underpants if nobody ever asks to see 'em?
• As a math atheist, I should be excused from this.
• This one's tricky. You have to use imaginary numbers, like eleventeen ...
• I have a hammer! I can put things together! I can knock things apart! I can alter my environment at will and make an incredible din all the while! Ah, it's great to be male!
• I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information
• Are your malajusted antisocial tendencies the product of your berserk pituitary gland?