- Standing in my backyard as midnight approached on January the 1st, listening to the fireworks set off around the neighbourhood and staring at the stars with a strong feeling of melancholy
- Watching Heroes
- The locust plague; the ground shattering into pieces with each step as they flew up and all around me.
- An empty and depressing summer
- Naomi and I being ignored and shut out by the rest of our friends
- My first skydive. Feeling content on the car ride home afterwards and deciding that 2011 would be the year to overcome my fear
- Finding a dead possum in our front yard and shoveling its lifeless body into a garbage bag. Its eyes were open. I looked into them and felt just as lifeless.
- Taking my car to get serviced twice and not understanding a single word of the car language spoken.
- Sitting on a ledge with Jade at the beach and feeding hot chips to a one-legged seagull.
- Watching the Australian Open with Harry every day and every night.
- Running wildly through parks with Max, teasing him and acting like a puppy. We became pack brothers.
- Watching Lovely Complex, Peach Girl and Yakitate Japan.
- Naomi's 17th: sleeping in a tent outside, taking retarded photos on her laptop, playing Wii Fit Plus.
- Completely changing my career goals from going to Tafe and working with animals (something I've wanted to do my WHOLE life), to going to Uni and being an accountant.
- Going through a really self-conscious phase about my acne and wearing make-up everyday for a couple of months.
- Developing eye floaters in my vision
- Spending hours daydreaming to music and losing myself in my fantasies every night until I fell asleep.
- Losing my connection with my sanctuary
- Losing weight and feeling better about my body (about 8 kgs)
- Falling in love with running.
- We bolted like a wild pack through the field today. And it's that sudden outburst of leaving my life behind and letting everything go that makes me feel alive. When I'm done all I'm left with is my beating heart, a loss for breath and the ground to lay down on and sink into. It's my ecstacy.
- Making an effort with Naomi and I's friendship but still feeling detached.
- Taking photos with Naomi at Semaphore beach. Watching the most beautiful sunset ever.
- Becoming more empty and lifeless than ever.
- The 30 Seconds of Fame flashmob
- Going to the Mt.Lofty summit and watching the sun through all the fog -- a small yellow dot.
- Asking Jade if she was happy with her life for the first time.
- Temporarily losing my connection with my parallel soul. Feeling the distance.
- Picking my scalp all the time because of stress.
- Writing a story for English about a girl in a white dress who unites with her german shepherd after it ran away, and she wishes she could run away with him.
- Naomi's break-up party -- dancing crazily in her living room and playing twister.
- Becoming obsessed with this song and video
- Listening to The Way We Sigh as three birds soared effortlessly, and gracefully over my head.
- Going through another phase of obsessing over animal cruelty videos and hating myself for not being a vegetarian or vegan.
- Talking with friends about what our heavens would be like if there was an afterlife -- I envisioned myself surrounded by hundreds of dogs, running through fields together.
- Rebecca's birthday picnic in Civic Park - playing tag and rolling down hills.
- Developing a temporary crush on Rica's cousin. Jamming on instruments with Rica's family
- Walking Max as the sun set every night, getting lost in deserted streets beneath the stars.
- Researching abortion inside and out for my school Research Project and becoming deadset pro-choice.
- Adam had a baby, Isaac, my step-nephew.
- Reaching out to my parents more and growing closer to them.
- Realising that I had social anxiety and that it was the source of all my problems -- depression, self-hatred, and detachment from everyone in my life.
- Learning to deal with my social anxiety better and becoming more brave.
- My old dog Maddy died, which made me sad and think about how long Bailey has left.
- It is surreal and it scares me, because Bailey turns eleven this year and the average life span for pugs is 12-15. The grey on his face and tail is spreading and his eyes are slightly cloudy with a blue-ish fog, and I can do nothing but hope to the universe that he lives for as long as pugs possibly can, or deny that he'll ever die. It's like knowing your best friend, your pack brother, your pup, has a terminal illness and is going to die within the next five years. It isn't fair that I feel more connected to dogs than to humans, because dogs don't live very long, but they are extensions of my soul, so, what am I to do when the heartbeat at my feet stops beating? I try and ignore the thought to appreciate Bailey while he's still here, it makes me feel self-centered and overdramatic otherwise, but sometimes I can't help it, the wall cracks and the fear breaks through. Bailey is curled up in my lap as I type this, though. He is resting his head on my right arm and I can feel his body vibrate against mine as he snorts and grumbles. It is truly a comfort, I want to cherish this moment.
- Reigniting my love for Pokemon <3
- Reaching an all time low with motivation. Going days without showering or brushing my teeth.
- Walking Max off the leash, watching him run free, growing closer and closer to him, strengthening our bond. Deciding I would one day raise my own German Shepherd.
- We are pack brothers, who race each other when no one's around, and lean against each other in the grass, and disappear into dark streets with stars hanging over our heads. Our walk is the highlight of my days. All my worries fade when I walk up to Linda's front door and see that giant goofy german shepherd standing on his hind legs and hanging his paws over the gate railing, whining and waiting for me.
- Getting a new laptop, who I named Harvey
- It was purchased from Harvey Norman...
- Learning guitar. Well, attempting to, anyway, then being too lazy to continue.
- Having a 2am shower and then writing a letter to my Dad to release a hell of a lot of locked up emotions.
- Attending a Harry Potter themed 18th.
- Having the courage to reach out to my half-brother Jesse and seeing him for the first time in YEARS.
- Crying in front of my mum for the first time since I was a kid after finding out that my dad wanted to see me.
- Meeting my dad inside the Hobby Matrix. Hugging him as he rubbed my back and whispered "I'm sorry for everything".
- Feeling emotions I never even knew I had.
- Constant restlessness
- Seeing a man sprawled out in the middle of a tramline in the city as I drove home, the sight of his broken leg and trail of blood trickling towards my car haunting me.
- Staying awake for over 30 hours and tripping out -- I kept seeing fog swirling in my vision towards me like a ghost, or something, and I felt like I was rippling.
- Getting drunk for the first time.
- Making an account on OKCupid and going on my first date with Tom.
- Tom becoming my first ever boyfriend
- Had my first kiss
- First orgasm with a guy
- Touched my first penis, aha!
- Still a virgin, however.
- Crossing a ravine with max and stepping over a fence into a vast field, experiencing an epiphany as it started to rain.
- I stand at one edge of a ravine, looking at the other side. There are trees everywhere so I can't see much, but I can see enough to know that on the other side there's some kind of field behind a fence that looks like it stretches on forever, so full of tall weedy plants but so empty at the same time. And then a yearning stirs in me, so I start stepping/sliding down my side of the ravine. I so desperately want to feel something, to feel free and alive just by soaking up that beautiful simplicity of nature. Max runs up the other side of the ravine with no hesitation. He looks back down at me eagerly as I climb up nowhere near as gracefully, stumbling and slipping and being hit in the face by plants. I stand up and take in the vastness, and I feel so tempted to step over the fence (which only goes as high as my waist and consists of a few flexible wires) but I'm hesitant. What if I'm seen, what if I'm caught? But there were no houses around. The words "Just say yes, just say there's nothing holding you back" plays in my ears and so I smile and step easily over the fence. I bend the wires so that Max can slide through a gap. He runs through the weeds and I spin in circles and then it starts raining so suddenly, so heavily, and I am left breathless and I laugh and I can't help but believe that the clouds were praising me for taking that risk, that the world wanted me to feel alive again. I still couldn't feel that all-consuming beauty like I used to, but I felt something, even if it was a half-empty sort of feeling. It was a whisper of the past, a ghost of my fifteen year old self who dreamt of running away into the wild, who traced the words ONE DAY I WILL BE FREE in the dirt, who felt all the beauty in the world so severely that she cried.
- Going to the same field with Tom and laying down with each other in the swaying weeds as the sun set.
- Attempting to ride a bicycle for the first time on my first date with Tom and failing epically.
- The highlight of the day was being followed and squawked at by SIX swans along the river Torrens. I think they were laughing at my biking skills.
- Max attacking a man and his dog. Afterwards the man yelled at my face that I was a "STUPID BITCH" over and over, and threatened to call the cops. I felt horrible.
- Becoming obsessed with and finding inspiration from this song and video.
- Finishing high school. Graduating at the Valedictory, but feeling more indifferent than excited.
- Being with Tom under the moonlight out the front of my house and feeling content.
- Last night when Thomas left my place (at about midnight), we just hugged each other fiercely in the middle of the street for several minutes, next to where his car was parked, under the moonlit sky. He picked me up with my legs wrapped around his waist, like I have always wanted to do, and span me in circles. The full moon and the fresh breeze and our closeness made me feel so content, and then to top it all off, it started raining lightly. It felt like the world was telling me that being with Tom was right. And despite all my doubts and insecurities, it really does feel right.
- Feeling disappointed with my brother and dad for not making any effort to get to know me. :(
- Having a really long conversation with my mum on my bed about my dad and what he did in the past.
- Realising that I'm going to have to be the one who makes the effort in this relationship.
- Attending my high school formal. It was kinda shit, but oh well.
- Having a severe depressive/anxiety episode and feeling completely detached and turned off by my boyfriend.
- Eventually I broke up with him only to get drunk alone in my living room on Boxing Day, in the lamplight, blasting club music and dancing like a twat with my pug. I was feeling horribly regretful so I reached out to Tom again, having the courage to follow my heart and make an effort with our relationship. I also spilled out my heart to my parallel soul in an e-mail full of typos. Thanks, alcohol.
- Anyway. We are now back together.
- Got my Year 12 results and Uni ranking - 80.8
- High enough for guaranteed entry into my 1st preference!
- Applied to volunteer at the Animal Welfare League and attended an information session.
- I'll be starting volunteering in February!
- Seeing a person in my hot chocolate.
- Playing The Sims 3, Amnesia: The Dark Descent and Team Fortress 2.
- Making a spontaneous vlog for Mariah in which I broke down and spilled out my heart.
- Going to the beach with Tom and his friends and standing about 2 metres away from two huge pelicans on the shore.
- Attending the Foo Fighter's concert and almost fainting.
- Seeing the Christmas lights at Lobathel and Nunyah Drive with Jessie & Jade. Lying down in the middle of the road on top of a hill, watching the stars and city lights in the distance.
- Spending Christmas at Uncle Gary's house with Nana and for once in my life not feeling incredibly awkward with a child -- my cousin Mia.
- Getting the most drunk I've ever been yet with Jessie and Naomi at Jessie's house on NYE. Sitting on the road outside her house to watch the shitty fireworks, screaming and running whenever a car approached. Yelling and laughing at each other incessantly. Watching (and shouting at) The Lion King after midnight.
dec 27 2011 ∞
aug 6 2012 +