• My boyfriend-at-the-time Tom tells me that if I don't make an effort to manage my depression then he will leave me. I don't have the energy to care.
  • I receive my high school ranking of 93 and accept my university offer to study a Bachelor of Commerce degree.
  • My feelings for Tom are completely lost and I am too scared to break up with him because he was the only person I have ever opened up to outside the internet.
  • Rica visits from Melbourne and my old high school friends group (consisting of naomi, jessie, jade, rica and I) go on a three day trip to Victor Harbor. We get drunk, play celebrity heads, befriend some alpacas and watch a beautiful sunset from the top of a cliff at the beach.
  • I finally end things with Tom, but we agree to stay friends (never ended up happening) and go to the Death Cab For Cutie concert together. I think of Mariah and cry when they finish the show with Transatlanticism.
  • My dad ignores my texts and I begin to lose faith in him.
  • I have my first week of University, and by the end of the second day I have a meltdown. I tell my parents about my depression and anxiety that I had been hiding from everyone for 2 years. I drop out of university knowing in my heart that it was never what I wanted to do, and let my parents take control. They force me to see the GP, where I start a mental health care plan and am immediately prescribed anti-depressants.
  • I have my first psychologist therapy session with Lisa, and feel relieved to have the support of my family now on my side. I open up to my nana about my issues with my father.
  • Started my first ever job that my mother's friend had given me: waitressing at the Cudlee Creek cafe on sundays.
  • I open up to my aunty Shelley and find out about her past with sexual abuse from my deceased grandfather and drug addiction.
  • I ambush my father during one of his visits to my nana and let him know about how I had been feeling for the first time. I end up feeling invalidated.
  • I attend my mother's friend's daughter's 21st masquerade party with Naomi, where I be surprisingly social and catch up with an old childhood friend who I hadn't seen in years.
  • I meet Harley, an old friend and classmate in 2nd grade, for the first time in 10 years. We watch The Mighty Boosh end up kissing in my loungeroom. I melted.
  • On the 2nd day of seeing Harley, I go to his house to watch him play guitar. We end up making out and taking off half our clothes. He piggybacks me around his house.
  • On the 3rd day, we go on an official date to the movies and to the mt.lofty summit. He stays the night at my house and I lose my virginity to him. We officially become an item.
  • My parents push me to be more productive, I settle in at the cafe and my self-esteem begins to grow.
  • I throw up bile one morning at work, not having thrown up anything since I was 11. :(
  • I meet Matt for the first time when I attend a BBQ with his friends at his house. I meet stoners for the first time, and make my first attempt at smoking weed through a bong in front of everyone, but fail epically.
  • The antidepressants stop making me feel numb all the time and I slowly begin to feel positive emotions again: happiness, giddiness, excitement, hope, confidence.
  • Start volunteering at the Animal Welfare League.
  • Got high for the first time, with Harley in my shed one weekend when my parents were away. I immediately fell in love and haven't stopped smoking weed since.
    • It was amazing. The most surreal out-of-this-world feeling ever. I literally felt like I was in a dream. When it first hit me my body was a little overwhelmed so I didn't enjoy it. I had a fainting spell, my ears were ringing and all my senses were going haywire. But then it eased off a bit and it became supah dupah spectacular. The first night I was stoned I was reasonably quiet and not exactly giddy as I was just taking this new feeling in, adjusting to it and having really deep thoughts about it. But the second night... holy crap, I was off my knocker, laughing at everything and being so random. When we were microwaving something in the kitchen I randomly turned and yelled to Harley "SHIT SAUCE BACON!?" and we both cracked up. I went to go shower but ended up on my bed having a serious laughing fit for at least 10 minutes. Harley walked in and started laughing at me which made me laugh even more. We were in hysterics all night. Ohh, it was pure bliss. Also, eating when high is the most amazing experience. Everything tastes a million times better. On the second night I was eating chocolate, and I enjoyed it so much that I started moaning and running my hands over my body. I didn't even notice I was doing it until Harley pointed it out and started laughing at me, which sent me into another fit of giggles. I think he said "I don't know if I'm weirded out or turned on." We had stoned sex which was pretty funny because 5 minutes into it I was like "Wait are we having sex? I don't remember having sex" and then I started eating chocolate again as he continued doing me. We had a really sensual and romantic moment later on, though. We showered together and Harley ended up holding me from behind and running his hands really slowly up and down my body as he kissed my neck. It felt incredible, especially with the hot shower water. Mm.
  • On an impulse I book a flight to America, to finally meet my best friend Mariah, and to face my fears.
  • I start crying out of utter happiness, excitement and hope bursting into my heart, one night while driving home from work.
  • Matt opens up to us one night and I learn about his crippling depression and addiction to drugs. It reaches my heart and a seed is born there.
  • I see my father's wife for the first time in many years at the cafe I work at. I feel resentful and do not want to serve her or even look at her.
  • I get my Australian passport organised.
  • I fall in love with Matt's dog, Kosta.
  • For the very first time in my life, I cry in someone's arms. I fall apart on Harley's lap.
  • My shrink Lisa tells me just how far i've come and how I have started to smile with my eyes instead of just my mouth.
  • My step-dad has his first 'issue' with Harley, and soon later my mother. I have my first explosion at my mum to stand up for both of us.
  • I finally buy Guitar Hero and bring it over to Matt's frequently.
  • In the same week have two extremely vivid and emotional dreams about my childhood home.
  • Harley and I drape my cardigan over my bedside lamp to dim the lights and we have a very romantic night.
  • I frequently start to drive under the influence of pot and haven't stopped since. I drive very safely when stoned and have never come close to crashing, so I trust myself. Driving stoned and driving drunk are very different things. The only reason I don't like to do it is because of the risk of ever getting caught.
  • I go to the movies with my brother to see The Dictator, and we get along so famously that it feels like we're really siblings.
  • I start seeing my father every two weeks for about a month or so, but an awkwardness lurks between us. The tables are turned and instead of not feeling good enough for him, I realise he's the one that isn't good enough for me.
  • I pack my suitcase for Las Vegas five days before my flight.
  • I get upset with my parents' attitude towards Harley and we have another fight.
  • I bought my first very own 3g bag of weed.
  • I leave Australia for the first time and fly to Las Vegas, where I meet my best friend and her family + friends + pugs.
  • My amazing holiday with Mariah and her family lasts for five weeks. We hug, make a giant mix CD, see the grand canyon and dangle our feet over the edge, get drunk with Andie and Shelbie, ride the rollercoaster at the Adventuredome, draw profound quotes and lyrics on a brick wall with chalk, got our first tattoo and talked to my american tattoo artist who was also a stoner, made inspirational magazine collages, flew to california to stay with mariah's oldest sister, wandered down the streets of san fransisco, walked along the golden gate bridge, traced our demons in the sand of a beautiful california beach, opened up to each other at the end of a road overlooking a highway, baked nutella cupcakes and binged on all kinds of American junk food. I learned a lot about myself.

TO BE CONTINUED!

jan 2 2013 ∞
jan 2 2013 +
user picture starquake: I MISS YOU I MISS YOU I MISS YOU. that is all. jan 5 2013