• My feelings for Matt intensified after finally being able to spend one on one time together at my house while my parents were away and Harley (Matt's younger brother and my boyfriend at the time) was working. We tripped balls on 2C-E and DMT and had one of the most visually appealing experiences of our lives. Intensely beautiful colours, rippling hallucinations and unfolding fractal patterns; the world had starting breathing. I lost myself in one of the paintings in my house and in the endlessness of the stars when we went for a walk at night. I introduced Matt to post rock music, he watched me smoke a hit of DMT while I played "I by The Best Pessimist", and I felt as if my shell unfolded for him for the very first time. I obsessed over his comments about my body like how lily white my legs are and how I shouldn't cover a body like mine with tattoos. ;P
  • Got accepted at TAFE to study for a Diploma in Animal Technology, a one-year full-time course where I learnt how to work with and care for research animals and discovered that work with animals for research is extremely regulated in Australia.
  • Matt goes to politely kiss my cheek but I'm too eager for a hug so he ends up awkwardly kissing my hair. :D
  • Getting "droned" with Harley and his younger brother Braydon who later accuses us of being junkies
  • The majority of people's close-minded outlook on drugs starts to bring me down and make me feel a little bit lonely
  • I brought my mum along with me to one of my psychologist appointments. It went well but my mum still doesn't really get me. Lisa tells me that she's never going to change and that I should give up on my expectations about our relationship.
  • Matt's mum warns me about Matt because he apparently manipulates people for money, which unsettled me at first but my gut knew the truth.
  • Buying a tank and supplies and starting the long wait for my diamond python hatchling


  • Doubts and frustrations about Harley continue to grow as the fire keeps burning out and we begin to crumble
  • School orientations and starting my diploma
  • Tye-die shorts
  • Severe boredom leads me to start napping everyday and want to be high all the time. It even leads me to start reading novels again


  • Soundwave 2013: getting drunk, meeting other drug users and pink floyd shirt-wearers, being lifted on Harley's shoulders during blink-182's performance
  • Matt touched my shorts at the golden grove lookout and I wanted him so badly as we talked about the stars and he showed me the Orion's belt constellation
  • Matt doesn't leave my head and I end up sending him a message on facebook asking for some more one on one time with him
  • Go to see Max for the first time in several months to find the poor bastard has gotten grey and fat <3
  • Harley looks me in the eye and admits that he hates himself
  • I defined what my most important values were to me in one of my therapy sessions: honesty, passion, self-knowledge, risk, purpose, self-acceptance, self-esteem, appreciating the beauty around me, and openness.
  • On Harley and I's first year anniversary we walked all 8 kilometres of the beautiful waterfull gully trail at Mt.Lofty which was one of the most physically and mentally challenging experiences of my life (probably because I'm so unfit ahem).
  • I pour my heart out in a letter to Harley and he disappoints me with nothing in return
  • Matt continues to touch me in small subtle gestures that drive me batshit crazy. I start wishing Harley wasn't with us whenever we hang out with Matt. "My neurons are holding up signs saying "DANGER DANGER DANGER" but my heart doesn't give a crap. It's like I am being gravitationally pulled to him."


  • A dream to own my own boarding kennel in the distant future is planted
  • "I don't know if I'll ever get over my infatuation with Matt but I know it's all just a silly fantasy in my head and nothing will ever come of it." - an entry from my diary. TROLOLOLOL!
  • Harley surprises me with dinner at a nice hotel in the city and keys to one of the King's Spa suites for the night. Having lots of sex, walking down to the river and feeding a hungry family of black swans.
  • I have my last psychologist session but Lisa reminds me their doors are always open
  • "They can be fun and can be the perfect escape, but more than anything I use drugs to enrich my life with deep and meaningful experiences that sober life can't give me to the same level. Drugs are my way of ultimately exploring myself and all aspects of my consciousness. It is amazing what our brains can do, how our whole perspective can change just from ingesting a chemical. Drugs to me are a large part of my spirituality because they uncover certain parts of myself I never even knew were there. They pull away all the outer, superficial layers and dive into the most deepest parts of my mind and my emotions."
  • Finally picked up Eris, my python hatchling, from the airport and obsess over settling him into his new home.
  • Stayed up one night to watch the 2003 and 2012 Coldplay concerts on DVD. Cried a little bit...


  • Harley begins to repulse me
  • Came out of my shell a bit more with the other students at tafe during a field trip to the Adelaide Zoo. Also, whilst laughing at a red-tailed cockatoo I somehow manage to spit in my own eye.
  • Start watching heaps of amazing dances on youtube and on an impulse join a gym
  • Get my yoga on
  • Go on a field trip with classmates to the Gorge Wildlife Park and cuddle the crap out of the animals in the petting zoo. I fall in love with the baby goats.
  • Finally spend some more alone time with Matt and find out more about Matt's past relationships, open up about harley's issues, and my infatuation with him grows out of control.
  • My lecturer and course coordinater Lewis compliments my skills and tells the class I have a natural affinity with all animals, which made me feel all warm and giddy inside.
  • Matt and I had The Hug That Started It All in Matt's kitchen. We held each other and he traced his finger on my back.
  • Matt and I drove to one of the places we like to get stoned at; a sports oval carpark. We listened to my iPod (we have the same music taste, so we listened to some beautiful The Fray, Keane, Evermore, blink-182 and lastly Coldplay), got wasted via our awesome soda can bong, and then we had our most deep and meaningful conversation yet. We talked until after midnight, about the big things and the little things. I told Matt that I feel like I need to keep him in my life.
  • Broke up with Harley the day after talking to Matt. Had one last civil and sweet hug and kiss on my front porch before I watched him ride away on his bike. I haven't seen him since.
  • I hung out with Matt and we end up cuddling, touching and sleeping in the same bed the NIGHT AFTER I break up with Harley... and all of a sudden we became very close friends with benefits and I feel more connected to Matt in that one week than I ever did to Harley in the year I was with him.
  • I discover highexistence, and Silk Road
  • Matt and I take LSD together and lose ourselves to NiT GriT on his loungeroom floor. "At one point I was sitting on top of Matt, pressing my forehead against his. I closed my eyes and could see the cosmos, the whole entire universe in the blackness behind my eyelids. I could feel the universe within both of us, within the space behind our foreheads, and we were infinitely connected."


  • I fell hard and fast for Matt, unsurprisingly. He became absolutely intoxicating and I couldn't get enough. We start fucking almost everyday right from the start.
  • Start going over Jessica's house to play Nintendo and smoke pot, so I have my own friend for a while.
  • Watched Lewis shoot and slit the throat of a sick sheep right in front of us. We watched it die and were disturbed by the twitching and involuntary movements but we knew it was quick and painless.
  • Start going out almost every night and my mother starts getting angry about it. Start to really ache for my independence.
  • Coming to the harsh realisation that my relationship with my parents was practically nonexistant. "Family has never really been an important thing to me. I grew up with my mum until she met harry when I was 8, and I didn't grow close to any of my other relatives. I have no siblings other than my half-brother and three step-siblings who all had no problems disappearing out of my life. I've never been very close to my parents or a single person in my family so I don't really understand the "be loyal to your family" and "family comes first" values. I've found most of my support, advice, confidants and love out of my few close friendships, and my psychologist. Blood doesn't mean a thing to me."
  • Little Moments with Matt:
    • Taking a long walk through the parks in his neighbourhood and holding hands
    • Finding a playground with a swingset and swinging our worries away
    • Cuddling in the grass and poking fun at him for once saying he would never date anyone younger than 24 even though he was clearly interested in dating me eventually
    • Drifting in and out of sleep in each other's arms; snuggling each other closer every time
    • Massages, playing with hair, stroking soft skin, sneaking up to hug me from behind when I'm trying to smoke out his kitchen window
    • Hot breath and soft moaning against each other's mouths as we lose ourselves in the ecstasy of sex
    • Playing with and doting on Kosta (we only refer to him as either "puppy" or "shithead" at the moment)
    • Falling asleep with his head on my lap as we watch Breaking Bad (new favourite TV show, holy crap)
    • Listening to The Beatles and pre- sex on fire Kings of Leon
  • Eris shed his first skin :3


  • Saw The Australian Ballet's production of Swan Lake with Matt at the Festival Theatre
  • Ordered LSD off Silk Road, took two tabs with Matt and had our best psychedelic trip yet; lay in Matt's sunny backyard with Kosta for hours and felt like we were on a deserted island, in our own rippling, intricate and colourful paradise.
  • Had my 2 work placements as an animal technician at SA Pathology and Adelaide Uni and actually enjoyed myself, even though I assisted with murdering dozens of mice...
  • Buy 2 lots of ecstasy pills only to find both were duds


  • Parents began one of many interrogations about Matt and I's relationship. Mum is an explosive bitch who indirectly accuses matt of being a pedophile.
  • Harley writes me a letter and apologises for the past, and then sends me an e-mail. The guilt used to eat at me.
  • Pepper, a black labrador that works with autistic children, got lost and ran into Matt's yard. We spent the night with her and was returned to her owner the next day. She was a sweet girl.
  • Matt admits he loves me, as i'm laying on top of him cuddling on his bed.
  • Realise that I'm addicted to junk food :(
  • Lose motivation rapidly after I wean myself off of my antidepressants... I learnt my lesson there
  • Insanely relate to this post:
  • Woke up in the middle of the night and felt so sunken and depressed that I couldn't go back to sleep. I opened up to Matt about my loneliness and inability to connect or feel comfortable with most people. He gets me and telling someone makes me feel a thousand times better.


  • Matt moves into a share house which confines our cuddling to a single bed
  • I turn 20; throw up for the first time in 9 years because I ate too much caramel mudcake from the Cheesecake Shop
  • Matt turns 29
  • Lewis got me to euthanise a sheep with an injection of pentobarbitone which I had never done to an animal before. It dripped down my hands and I could smell the poison. The sheep was peacefully dead within a minute after injecting which was pretty surreal.
  • Made my first electoral vote - voted for Labor and Stop Marijuana Prohibition ;)
  • Falling asleep in the backseat of my car with Matt while it was raining
dec 23 2013 ∞
dec 30 2013 +