i am so tired of pretending to be somebody.

i mean it in the way of online performances. i feel bad for updating my website without re-configuring my gallery or re-writing my cds page when i know both of them are a mess. i feel obligated to post art of my current fursona cuz everyone really liked that design, and also it's me so why dont i draw it more often??? i don't know, i keep doing other shit. lately i've been playing through naruto ultimate ninja 2. it's awesome and i'm having a great time! a much better time than i'm having online right now.

i've been in a habit of scrolling through tumblr for about an hour every morning, which is usually how long it takes to read through a day's worth of posts on my dashboard. i like to see funny cat pictures and it's a way to keep up with the news without watching a news channel, but more often than not i come across something that's just begging for me to stick my nose in someone else's business and talk about them. i try to keep my nose clean. usually if i'm feeling really provoked i'll take it somewhere private with people i trust so i don't spread more negativity online. it's a long-standing habit i've been actively trying to break for years now. despite my best efforts to break myself from overly-negative and toxic social circles, every so often i get to see my friends being harassed for the labels they use to describe themselves, mutuals who are trying to #Win an internet argument in favor of kinky freedoms but they're just exposing me to other peoples' hatred, and previously loved micro-celebrities posting the most horrific reactionary opinions to online niche discourse that does not exist in real life. the latter i would simply write off as another "milkshake duck", but all of this KEEPS happening no matter who i follow. it's like if i don't want to feel attacked or BE attacked by some random person, i can't use social media.

i'm usually outside of all the actual drama, only because for the past 3 years i've been obsessively blocking anyone who gives me a bad vibe, sometimes even blocking every single person who interacted with something particularly awful. i saw someone answer an ask from someone new to the site who literally said, IN THE ASK, "i'm new here and your art is cool, how do you make friends on this app haha" and the artist responded by dunking on the interests in the newbie's profile, and making them out to be some sort of creep for not understanding that artists with large followings don't like randoms asking them to be friends. it resulted in 50,000 notes overnight (and it's probably more now) of people laughing at this random kid from instagram who just likes furry art and the killing/stalking manga, and spiraled into hundreds of anonymous hate messages of people accusing them of all sorts of wild shit - again, all based on the assumption that they thoroughly understand how tumblr works, which they obviously fucking don't - and how is that fair? how is it fair to ask an artist you like to be friends, and in response 50,000 people turn around and accuse you of being a nazi and a necrophile until you delete your blog just a few days later? i absolutely despise that this sort of behavior has been normalized on social media - it actively discourages people from engaging with each other! all of that because this person infringed upon a very minor social rule on a relatively niche website, and all the artist had to do was say they don't like those sorts of asks, or delete it and say nothing at all. i don't usually spend hours combing through the notes of a post and blocking every single person who interacted without vocally disagreeing with it, but that was one of those posts for sure. it was fucking vile. i couldn't believe anyone could have so little empathy - or reading comprehension, for that matter - let alone FIFTY THOUSAND people at once.

i also block blogs that follow me if their profile has a DNI at all, especially one that lists a few things and then says "etc." Et cetera?! what the hell is that supposed to mean. no, you can't be noncommittal to your own self-stated "interaction rules". "Etc" aside, i'm supposed to understand all the acronyms lingo without being able to have a conversation to be sure we have the same definitions of everything, then recognize whether or not i'm similar enough to them. "DNI" is shoving the burden of responsibility onto others instead of carrying it yourself. "DNI" is the epitome of self-policing. "if i want to interact with these people i have to be totally certain i'm not any of these things" is all well and good for 15 year olds who just want to post cat memes and Steven Universe fanart before they have any understanding of how the world works...not so much when you're 25 and maybe you want to reblog Rainbow Dash with a huge dick to your main blog but you'd also like to see some stimboards and follow the artist who makes PS1 animations of their fursona. everyone has to hide that they're horny like it's some shameful secret and not just a fact of life for most people. and i don't fuck with anything like that! the only good thing about a DNI is how it makes me laugh every time i see "racists, homophobes, TERFs, Nazis, pedophiles" as if these groups are known for their terrific respect of other peoples' boundaries. it wouldn't be so bad if people could mind their own business, but a lot of these people will actually comb through their followers and their activity to check every single blog and block them if they don't fit the "DNI". they don't wait for you to actually say something that makes them uncomfortable, they go looking for it instead. why do i feel like i need to smash a coffee cup over my head right now?

anyway, obsessive blocking doesn't make me feel good or safe. it just makes me feel like an asshole for making a quick judgement about someone else, but i'm doing it because i'm scared of them doing the same to me or my friends and carelessly making my life a living hell. why do i continue to use websites where users fighting each other isn't just normalized, but actively sought after? i want to unplug my brain and forget all these stupid acronyms and bad-faith readings, but i don't want to leave behind the internet entirely. i just want to have FUN and TALK to people. you'd think that's easy on social media, but it's like a fucking minefield on tumblr - sometimes you follow someone who posts cool photos, and they respond by posting a screenshot of the notification with your url to form a vigilante mob, all because you forgot to refresh the blog to see if they had a pinned post before you followed and it turns out they absolutely fucking hate "TMEs that don't disclose AGAB or TME/TMA status". and yes, i have seen this happen!

i want to take my experience back into my own hands. i don't want to look at "social" media anymore and constantly be afraid of being seen by the wrong person. i want to use the quiet websites, where things are slow and you have to look for things yourself because you can't follow anyone or share posts or "like" comments. today i didn't open tumblr at all, and instead i finished all of my chores before i went to work, then sat down to write this out once i got home. i've decided, i've resolved to "grow up" and prioritize taking care of myself in every way. i want to be able to write without guilt for not drawing, to draw without guilt for not writing, to sing because it pleases me, to message friends because i miss them instead of silently watching their blog. so here i am! sort of blogging on listography now. i don't know how to end this... meow :3