things we'd say to customers if it was our last day with the company. (i work swimwear retail.)

• ("will this be see-thru when it's wet?") well, that depends. how dark are your areolae? (co-worker chimes in - in the background - "areolae-hee-hoo!")
• okay, well come back when you're serious.
• thank you for wasting my time and yours.
• jesus christ, how much deodorant are you wearing!?
• what's "cute"?
• well, obviously you have no taste.
• it's not the suit that makes you look broad. it's the benchpressing.
• (to buff customer, before she even opens her mouth to ask a question) i'm sorry, we don't sell scoop bottoms.
• oh, "short torso." (shoots knowing glance at co-worker) ("short torso," aka "too fat for your height." -anonymous authority figure)
• oh, "high hips." (again, shoots knowing glance at co-worker.... "high hips" aka "severe spare tire")
• maybe you should work out for a couple weeks and then come back. help me help you. ("this isn't going to work out. why don't you?") -for the lady who won't stop complaining about her body
• you've got to be fucking kidding me.
• "a skirted bottom is like a public apology for your body." i've actually already told this to somebody. it's true.
• (after processing a massive return) good luck finding a selection better than ours!
• (before or after processing a massive return) so you're just going to go all summer without a swimsuit?
• (to a woman returning a swimsuit because her husband didn't like it) i'm sure your husband judged the fit of this suit much better than you, i, and our entire staff of intensively trained fit specialists did.
• (or, to be straightforward) really? because i can almost guarantee that your husband doesn't know anything about women's swimwear.