my experience with nagito's chapter

• this is basically a journal entry? I really wanted to talk about how I felt playing nagito's trial, and maybe even keep this with me. I really value my first experiences, you know? you only get one chance to experience things for the first time, so it's important to keep this recorded somewhere.
• I don't usually cry while playing games, watching movies, or reading webtoons (books, I'll get to y'all pretty soon). I didn't cry playing trigger happy havoc, even though I really felt like it, especially during chihiro's and mondo's story, and by the end of the game.
• I *did* cry playing goodbye despair though. peko's (and fuyuhiko's!) sacrifice took me by surprise, so I cried desperately for a few minutes. but still, after *that* happened, I thought I wouldn't cry anymore. I didn't cry during gundham's case, after all!
• but then, the whole drama about chiaki being a traitor happened. chiaki had to die so that she could protect everybody else, and monokuma made monomi follow along. I didn't cry because of their deaths, per se, but when monomi gave us her final speech as our teacher, I couldn't hold my tears in.
• she said "there's no need to be a hero. you don't have to force yourself just to make people acknowledge you. when you do that, you end up blaming yourself, blaming other people... and feeling jealous of everyone... but still... it doesn't have to be like that. even if people don't acknowledge you, you just have to be someone you can be proud of! cuz... you yourself are your biggest supporter! if you can learn to love yourself... that love will continue to support you for the rest of your life."
• I started crying, it was as simple as that. I might not really like that fact, because people treat her pretty bad, but I kin monomi. also, I was in great terms with myself, and my mental health was at its best. this year, due to the pandemic, I feel like I've lost that confident self, which still hurts me... but sarah and monomi have made me snap out of that. anyway, the point is, hearing monomi say those words felt like hearing myself comforting my present self, so that was pretty touching. I felt connected with myself, and that was really dear to me.
• then, after chiaki was executed, all of the dead characters (except for nagito) appeared again. chiaki asked hajime to go to the restaurant, sonia walked gundham's hamsters and he interacted with her, twogami and mahiru were also there... those interactions moved me and I didn't even realize it. then, I saw nekomaru again, yelling something at the ruins' door. it was his human physique, even. seeing him, after getting to talk to all of those characters beforehand, made me overwhelmed. I started crying, and kept weeping as I saw hiyoko, ibuki, mikan, teruteru, peko and even twogami again. that was a precious moment to me. I didn't realize I missed them so much. it wasn't even just about them... seeing the deceased ones talking to the ones who were still alive made me miss those lighthearted times. I wish it had stayed like that forever... I'm so attached to the characters from goodbye despair, it still shocks me.