“Sei-chan is mom's treasure. And I won't trade you for anything.”

She said that while she hugged me. It happened when I was a fifth grader, when my parents decided to divorce. Mother probably didn't know that I knew the exact reason why they divorced. Actually, father had an affair with his colleague. They got into a big argument when they thought that I'd already slept. Ever since then, father was rarely at home and it ended with a divorce. Mother brought me back to her hometown in Daegu, South Korea.

I knew that mother always pretended to be happy in front of me, showing me the brightest smile that she could manage so I wouldn't be worried about her. She got thinner and looked so tired whenever she got home late at night. And it would be my job to welcome her with a smile and a hug, saying something like 'good job' or 'you must be tired'. I also practiced cooking, since I think that's what I can do to help her. I never uttered my feelings in words but deep down inside, I truly love her.

“Mom, I don't want to enter Seoul National University.”

“It's your dream, right? To be a great doctor.”

The only reason why we got into that argument was because I don't want to leave her alone. I couldn't, to be precise. Mom is strong, I knew that. And she's capable in anything. But, without me there, who's gonna warn her of her health? Who's gonna scold her so she wouldn't push herself too much? Seoul is quite far from Daegu. And if I enter SNU, I'm sure that I wouldn't be able to go home and see her frequently. But she still ushered me to go. For your information, mom is pretty stubborn, especially when she had decided something. And I didn't want to keep arguing with her. That's why I gave up and ended doing what she wanted me to do.

In order to survive in SNU, I studied twice ―or maybe thrice, harder than usual. I thought I was lucky that I passed the entrance exam, although it could be called 'barely'. Mom was so happy when she heard the news. Well, as long as she's happy, I would be happy as well, that's what I thought.

"I'm completely okay, Sei-chan. You don't have to--"

"Stop saying that you're okay when you're definitely not okay, Mom!"

It was the first time I raised my voice when I talk to mother. Pancreatic cancer, they said. I blamed myself for not noticing it sooner. It's like, all of my efforts to become a great doctor were in vain. I went back to Daegu, leaving my internship behind, which would be the requirement if I want to be a doctor. And I also told mother to quit her job as the supermarket manager but she refused.

"My job isn't that hard, you know."

I sighed and then I started to argue. I didn't want her condition worsen, just that. But that stubborn mother of mine refused to resign from her job with a smile.

In order to work full-time, I took my post-graduate education at Kyungpook National University, in Department of Public Health. I took student loan at that time, while working part-time, so I still could cover mother's medical treatment fee. I felt that all of my hardworks were paid off when I managed to work as a clinical research coordinator at Daegu Hospital.

5 years passed and mother's condition worsened. She'd quitted her job already, since 3 years ago, she passed out while working. I begged for her resignation desperately and she finally said okay. She was hospitalized in the same hospital that I worked for, since March this year. In the middle of my work, I took time everyday to visit her. I knew that pancreatic cancer's survival rate is low, but still, I thought I couldn't let her go when it's time for her to go.

And on the 30th September of 2018, she died.