neil gaiman once wrote that hell wasn't a place, but something that you carry around with you. breathe in as you read this and breathe out all the sorrows you might have and just hold onto the idea of something better.

• december 1st.
  • aquarium date. walking hand in hand, fingers intertwined. the shades of blue reflecting in our faces and you smile at me as I'm showing you every little being that I admire in my home (the sea). in the end we buy ice creams and a stuffed animal for each other. (you'd probably give me a killer whale because it's my favorite!!!!!! and I'd get you a jellyfish because you once told me or you said it somewhere and I read it, that you relate to them).
• december 2nd.
  • reading date. this one will repeat itself because there are just SO MANY scenarios in my head where we read together. maybe it's becausee books are my favorite thing in the world. but in this one specifically, we go to a bookstore that is also a coffeeshop (because you love coffee [: and yes I know I don't drink coffee BUT I DRINK OTHER THINGS OKAY!!!!!!! the sweet ones). we pick a random book, because the cover is beautiful and we read it. while drinking something and eating desert [: (on a second note we should totally make this a regular thing). whenever you read a sentence you love, you show me and I show you one I like as well and it is highlighted with your favorite color. maybe we won't finish the book in this particular day but this is the beauty of wanting to spend your life with someone else, there's always more time.
• december 3rd.
  • pizza date! but we don't actually buy a pizza but make one!!!! you'd probably just be in the kitchen being pretty watching me cook because you can't cook but you'd also find things beautifully. and we would let our favorite songs play and not talk but enjoy the music, the environment and each other's presence. <3
• december 4th.
  • disco records date! this one is very tender to me because it was one of the things that made us bond. as taylor swift would talk about joe alwin "me and joe bond over sad songs" (not only the sad ones, of course). in this scenario, we'd probably pick two albuns, one each of us adore and another one that we have NEVER listened to before but find the cover pretty, then we can listen to it together and figure out if it suits the beauty of its cover or if it's pure garbage selling something that isn't there [:
• december 5th.
  • cinema date! when I was little I genuinely enjoyed going to the movies A LOT, I'd always go with my mother and we'd eat popcorn with butter and drink coke. I'd love to go to the movies with you, watch any genre because I love all of them. eat popcorn and drink coke and hold your hand if it's a scary movie so you know I'm always there and no one will harm you as long as I'm there.
• december 6th.
  • craft date! there are a lot of shops in my town (and I supposed, in the world itself) where you can take classes to paint, knit, pottery and the list goes on and on. but I'd really like to try the pottery class with you. the others I did as a kid and of course we could do it together, I wouldn't mind at all but I think it'd be funny and we'd be a chaotic mess because I know for a FACT that I don't have ANY motor coordination. you're a mess as well so it'd be fun. and we can take home the souvenirs even if it sucks because it was a special day.
• december 7th.
  • this is a date and I have written it for us in another universe (sunkyu!au, or how it is called in my head "fraction of a moon"), but I can picture you trusting your hair to me and saying okay dye only this part of my hair and it probably wouldn't be the whole thing because you'd be scared but you'd want to try anyways and if it ended up looking poorly, you could just cut it out. you're always less anxious when you're with me so there's THAT. you'd probably be scared but we would be talking or singing or laughing, perhaps altogether. in order. or not in order. (we'd dye it blue, probably. just in case you're questioning yourself which color you'd probably choose.)
• december 8th.
  • coffee date! we're at a café, it's raining outside, you drink your coffee across from me and I drink a frapuccino with vanilla and caramel (which is my favorite in case you ever wondered what I drink), we hold hands while we stare at the window and watch the raindrops touch the glass. we draw little figures in it. maybe a heart. maybe a box. maybe a moon. we eat the sweets they sell there and everything feels right. in place.
• december 9th.
  • stargazing together! have you ever noticed how even though the sky at night is very dark it can also be bright. you're never completely on the dark. on the countryside you can see the stars and the moon better but the point is, how insane it is, that we've met at night? that sunwoo had insomnia and trie to eat his favorite sweets in an attempt to relieve the weight he carried within him? and how changmin casually appeared and his cold shudders didn't bother him at all? how amazing it was that the moon, the stars, the lampost were the only thing shining their paths towards one another. there was a light within changmin that he couldn't see but sunwoo saw. just like changmin saw sunwoo's light when the other couldn't tell the difference between what he was and what he is. how insane it'd be, to stare at something that gave us both the light that lives within our heart? that was the reason you could find me and I could find you. you were once moondust. and when you become moondust once more, my dust will be with yours and you won't be able to tell the difference between both of them.
• december 10th.
  • concert date! we like to say that our bands and favorite artists are all mixed up, we can't tell which is mine and which is yours because it ended up being "ours" at some point. I'd like to go to all concerts with you. I'd like to scream at the top of our lungs all the lyrics that we dedicated to each other, the ones that helped us stay a little bit longer on earth. that stopped us from going through the suicide part. to have your arms around my shoulder and mine around your waist. to place kisses on your cheek. to feel tired after the show but feeling grateful and happy at the same time.
• december 11th.
  • when we watched tonhon cholanthee, there was a scene of them on a pier, eating ice cream and just enjoying each other's company. back then we said it was us and that we would be doing that someday. I still believe that.
• december 12th.
  • grocery shopping! I think it's one of the pins we always put on each other's boards. holding the basket with matching hoodies. laughing at each other. pushing each other in the mall's car. to have your favorite stuff mixed with my favorite stuff. with the essential items and to have -- as you'd put before, "to store all the groceries and then just lay with you on the couch and recharge. this is a safe thought I have from time to time."
• december 13th.
  • art museum date! walking around the corridors and trying to guess what the piece is about before reading its description and analyzing how the same thing can touch different parts of us, and sometimes, touch the same thing even though we aren't the same.
• december 14th.
  • I don't have a name for this kind of date, it's just us shopping for the new house. we were supposed to buy plates, forks, the kitchen stuff. and we ended up buying mugs for each other, they might be a match, and they might not be. it's just us walking on different hallways and looking for each other saying "it's for you. it has your vibe in it."
• december 15th.
  • it's raining outside and we're lying on my bed (you use one of your excuses that my bedroom is better, my bed is comfortable but it's just me. anywhere with me and you think it's the safest place ever), I'm reading a book while you're sleeping, head on my chest and holding me by the waist. you get closer everytime you hear the sound of a thunder and a smile appear in my lips as I read the words and there's nothing funny or cute about the story I'm reading.
• december 16th.
  • this one was always something I've kept with myself whenever you told me about ballet. I always wanted to be in one of your presentations. I always wanted to be there in the crowd so you can feel more at ease. I always wanted to give you flowers after the show and know for a fact that you'd be too tired to talk so we would just hold each other and I'd tell you how proud of you I was. not because the piece was flawless, but because you did everything with what you had at the time and it was more than enough. you're always more than enough, remember that. (maybe when you come back to ballet, if you decide to come back, we'll be in the same city and I'll be able to be there in person for you.)
• december 17th.
  • back in 2021, we had decided to do a photoshoot hogwards themed. of course it was with the six, but I'd still like to do it with you. me dressed in all red and you dressed all in yellow. it'd be nice pictures to hang around the house, don't you think?
• december 18th.
  • I think one day you mentioned that you've had a dream related to photography, I don't think we have ever got too much into this subject but I wanted you to know that I hope I get to see it someday, I hope you find love in doing it again, I hope you become the best photographer that you could possibly be and I hope you do have an exhibition one day and I hope to see you smile brightly as everyone praises you because you deserve it.
• december 19th.
  • this is a scenario that has ALWAYS brought me peace. whenever you'd tell me how much you've cried over an argument with your parents or brother, I pictured myself coming to your house so I could just hold you and you could cry on me, wetting all my clothes and you'd probably realize what you were doing once it stopped and start apologizing right away because this is how you work and I'd just hug you again because it doesn't matter. it's better to cry on someone that's holding you then cry alone and be a shaking mess.
• december 20th.
  • amusement park date! it has been YEARS since I've been to one but I think it'd be amazing to go again with you some day. and see (not that I don't see it regularly because I feel like it comes out more often when you're with me) your internal child come out when we go to the stores and see all those plushies. or how you'd probably be like are you SURE you want to ride this one and depending on the ride, it's going to be a big no-no for me (I'm not a fan of throwing up sorry not sorry, love). we're gonna take a bunch of pictures of each other and toghether. we're gonna eat delicious food and be exhausted to the point where talking feels a little bit too much.
• december 21st.
  • to write whiel I sit across from you and you're doing your own thing. it doesn't matter what it is, you can fill the blanks here. to be in silence together, doing something important without feeling its weight for once.
• december 22nd.
  • you have an anxiety attack. you start crying and you don't want to bother me so you don't barge into my room but I find you in the kitchen and I just hold you. after some time I play something on my phone and we start dancing and eventually the frown in your face and the sad countenance stars to fade. suddenly you're laughing, we stop as you put your face in my collarbone and you say "only you could pull something like that" and I smile because thankfully, there's only me and you in this room and you're not alone. you haven't been alone since september 2018 but now it feels better.
• december 23rd.
  • going to a cat café together. there’s this scenario of andreil that I’ve read where neil has a bunch of cats surrounding him and andrew is pretending he doesn’t sympathizes with cats until he sees an outsider just like himself. he was injured like them. it was a special encounter. ++ you get coffee which you love (:
• december 24th.
  • decorating the christmas tree AND HEAR ME OUT I know you don’t celebrate those kind of things but!!!! it’s gonna be so funny!!!!! and bright!!!! and we can lay under the tree in the dark and turn the little lights on, the yellow will shine in your face and I bet you’d look beautiful in it.
• december 25th.
  • adventuring ourselves into making an autumn date. where we craft a pumpkin. try making hot cocoa. eat marshmallows (I was never a big fan of those but maybe the burn ones taste nice, who knows!). watch all the movies that have autumn vibes. read a book while you rest your head on my lap. make cookies shaped like a man!!!!!
• december 26th.
  • puzzle date! this one we’ve talked about before, it’s something that was (maybe still is) special to the both of us. we would buy different puzzles, going to the smaller into the big ones and we would spend hours on it, in comfortable silence.
• december 27th.
  • something that has already happened and it’ll continue to happen. the airport hugs. me running to you and not letting each other go. but also us going to the airport together, either because one of us has to flight over business or to see the family. or together, to one of our endless trips.
• december 28th.
  • ir em uma daquelas estufas e colher frutinhas juntas. e ver você pulando enquanto me mostra alguma frutinha que tem uma tonalidade única que você não encontrou no supermercado, ou um tamanho engraçado e comparar ele à mim, porque isso é tão você. e eu te amo muito por isso.
• december 29th.
  • we’re at a bench in a park, you throw pieces of bread on the floor so the pigeons can eat it. I look at the sky and at the clouds and get lost in myself but always come back when you grab my arm and giggle like a little kid claiming that they’re eating the bread you’re giving them. you look happy. we’re happy. we’re together, after all.
• december 30th.
  • eu e você andando de patins. esse pode ser tanto o comum quanto o de gelo, de ambas as formas eu sempre acabo caindo e você tem que me segurar. mas pode ser que você caia também porque você é toda estabanada. e fun fact!!!! nunca andei de patins (: there’s always a first.
• december 31st.
  • for the last one, I would like to keep writing love letters and love notes for you. and to receive yours right back to me. a note for your coffee. a note when I’m not home but you weren’t there or you were sleeping so I didn’t say it out loud that I was leaving. and the letters for the times I am away because of my job.