saudade: "vague and constant desire for something that does not and probably cannot exist ... a turning towards the past or towards the future"

• the childish safety of being wrapped up in P the night he tugged open his windows and sat behind me on his bed so i could watch the storm
• the lovely, comforting routine of tuesday nights watching gilmore girls and sharing a quesadilla from el nino with M
• the startled triumph of I sweeping me off my feet in a hug because he was proud of me because i did well on spotlight during my first show
• the sheer panic of driving up to I's house in my pink princess dress before junior prom
• the innocence of staying for weeks at a time at a childhood friend's house and knowing i was perfectly welcome and not being afraid of being a burden
• the giddy days when i had to turn around and kiss I after every three steps
• that stupid feeling of being important because J walked me home in the rain, holding an umbrella over my head
• the hominess of the way grandma t smelled
• the strange excitement of the smell of a kindergarten classroom
• the perfection of the party where P and i slow danced to rap music and came home and snuggled all night
• the absolute faith i used to have that people loved me