- as though something is about to happen
- not as though there is a hammer hanging overhead
- nor as though something magical is about to happen
- just ... something
- the way you feel when you're on a roller coaster and you're going uphill and you know you're about to come over the other side
- and you're afraid, because the drop is scary
- but you're also excited, because it's fun, too
- and you know the fear is silly, but that doesn't change anything
- and you have your eyes closed, so you don't know when it's going to happen
- but you know it must be soon, because you've been going up for so long
- and yet it isn't coming, yet
- so, yes, as though something is about to happen
- i don't know what
- a little melancholy
- that's a part of the anticipation, too
- all the feelings are blending together nicely today
- like a pastel watercolor, that's what i am
- i don't feel torn at all
- you can tell that it's almost new year
- i keep looking backwards and forwards
- i would be missing the present, if there were anything to miss
- or, rather, more nostalgic, i think
- can there be a nostalgia that isn't tinged with sadness?
- is there any memory, for that matter, that isn't tainted by regret?
- i think not. not for me, anyway.
- why be nostalgic for a time you're better off away from, after all?
- and, as i only feel nostalgic when the present is not particularly lovely, why would i not want to have it back again?
- that is, of course, not to say that i would change anything.
- i'm sure there's something in the future that i must be moving towards, and i must keep myself from this moving backwards, business.
- it's impossible, anyway, to move backwards.
- still, there are moments that i would like to relive--forever, if possible.
- i know there's something i'm moving towards, but why risk certain happiness on an uncertainty?
- that's not true. i don't believe that.
- if we are to have anything extraordinary, we must risk everything ordinary.
- i do believe that, though i don't live by it.
- i believe in a lot of things that i don't live by.
- like god.
- lots of gods, really, come to think of it.
- perhaps that's the problem: too many gods, not enough jazzi.
- like there isn't enough of me.
- that's the root of all my problems, really. it isn't anything else.
- not enough me to go to every class and get in a nap.
- not enough me to be a nerd and a sorority girl.
- not enough me to love everyone and myself.
- not enough me to live all the lives i'd like.
- not enough me to discuss which life i'll choose, given that i have to choose.
- not enough me to keep from being lonely when i know i've made the right choice but the right choice still lands me alone.
- not enough me to keep from dragging people along because they are perfect and lovely and everything i need but not what i want.
- not enough me to talk sense into that wanting part.
- not enough me, even, to stop wanting that wanting part.
- that wanting part makes me a poet, you know.
- if not for the wanting, i could be a songwriter or a romance novelist or a firefighter like everyone else.
dec 6 2009 ∞
feb 5 2010 +