let's just be totally frank and honest, right now. i am probably the last person in the world who should, and would be writing this letter. in fact, i have absolutely no reason (rationally, of course) to be thinking these things, and not going to sleep, and feeling uncertain.

but sometimes.. i just wonder. truth be told, you are as close to perfect as i could have imagined. you make me happy in light and dark; we can spend afternoons talking or laughing or sleeping and regardless; my heart always feels lighter afterwards. i want to share as much as i can with you; and i want to give you everything i possibly can. i secretly think it would be fucking awesome if we could share some kind of space in the future (far, far off in the future) somewhere close to lots of yummy places where we can eat when we're not messing around in the kitchen. i kind of want to share fights with you (but not really. i can't see myself ever being angry with you.. nor do i really want to be, seeing you happy makes me happy and i can't imagine the opposite working out well); but only because that kind of denotes a different kind of closeness we might share, which is really what i want. i want to see gorgeous cities and skylines at night and stand in a body of water (preferably an ocean or a harbor) with you (holding hands would be sick too) someday. and i think you deserve the sun. really.

and wrong as it is.. do you think that, if maybe we don't end up together, both or one or neither of us will end up feeling completely lost? do you think it'll happen?

what i mean by this is just that.. i mean, sometimes it feels like my inability to figure things out and get my shit together isn't going to give you that. i can make as many to do lists as i want; go to bed as early or late as i want working, experimenting, trying to optimize my living, eating or not eating or thinking about both but the bottom line is that i don't know what i'm doing and it's basically kind of screwing shit up. i don't mean that i should be managing you, and you won't do the opposite. but you deserve the world. and you want to see it, to breathe it and live it and enjoy its skies and seas and streets. you should be out doing all of it. you love doing all of it. and maybe, on some deeper darker level, as lovely as it all is.. what keeps me from all of it (still a mystery to me) will eventually prove too much and things will change.

i don't know. i'm the last person i expected to be writing about maybe not feeling good enough. i'm the last person who believes in people saying that. and i am the last person who should be writing this, because i know you (being perfect and wonderful and caring) will probably take it upon yourself. or something. i don't know. but the point is, you've treated me so well i don't deserve to be doubting it for a second. so i should move on and just figure my shit out.

thank you for everything, though. i hope we don't lose each other. i hope i don't end up losing my way, either.

nov 7 2011 ∞
nov 7 2011 +