and that being said, every morning, waking up and just living my day has been made so much more special ever since you happened - which, as much as i am getting used to (and absolutely loving), still honestly does blow my mind when i really sit and think about it. before friday afternoons snuggling on my couch reading the book of questions, and holding hands in the art studio, and before our 40,000+ word inbox message.. before vimeo shorts were exchanged, and charrettes and E.T.-esque finger touches, and granola bar balcony conversations. before texting in world history/bio period and late nights sitting at our respective keyboards, before getting intentionally lost together and exploring ravines at trinity bellwoods. before HARRY POTTER and the first night we did something. sometime after info night-open house.

thinking about that now, it's amazing how one simple choice developed into letters on listography and a place in one another's lives. to be honest, i go back to that one night in november all the time, when the entire cyber lab space was mood lit with christmas lights, and i was wearing my black jeans with ankle boots, and my hair was curled, and i remember standing at that back wall near the fire exit looking at the table of ISUs past; just taking in what i was now a part of, daunted and overwhelmed but proud at the same time. it was a gorgeous night, and before presentations, you ambled over and spoke to me for the first time. insignificant as it was in the moment, one compliment turned into laughter, and after the first presentation laughter turned into a conversation, and after the final presentation - conversation turned into a newfound, impressively forged friendship over a matter of hours. and now this. it's funny, isn't it?

but between that night and st. patrick's, the entire trajectory of my time with you leaves me in just as much disbelief. as goes the retelling, the first time it really occurred to you that 'wow, you liked this girl' was after the day we skipped history/bio and crossed the street to tim hortons, and i mentioned the fact that i played drums. and your reaction was priceless.

though i guess it was pretty concrete for you after that (i may have gone and referenced old date stamps on some text messages..), i know i've told you before that i wasn't sure, for a long time - but that had nothing to do with you. for a while, it occurred to me that this was very much a possibility - a relationship, with you. and i toyed with it in my mind, flipping back and forth, and (i apologize now!) occasionally prolonging anything from progressing because i wasn't sure, and didn't want to have to make a decision if that were the case, because it would either be unfair or end with regret. but the only reason i wasn't sure was the very fact that you had only ever made me incredibly happy. i'd never had to cry, or analyze your words over the phone, or hide in bed and never wake up, or worry about your potential relationship with some other girl - which was all i had ever been used to in relationships, and generally told me when i had feelings for someone. i'd learned to associate relationships and romance with pain and heartbreak; and it had made me dislike the idea for a long time, choosing rather to focus on myself and my future. so when you came along, and the possibility grew over time, i was never sure whether the feelings i had for you were 'valid' - because, as i know now, (while i learned many valuable lessons and needed those relationships to grow and eventually come to where i am now) none of them were 'positive' - what a healthy, sustainable relationship should be, or what i want ideally. and honestly; that's what i share with you, and i finally see why all of these successful failures happened.

anyways, unnecessarily long nostalgia moment concludes now. i remember discussing this on the subway, and saying that it was the first time i'd ever really been happy in a relationship. and your response was that you didn't just want to be 'that one guy that actually made me happy'.

maybe, just maybe, i will attribute this to generally being in stage 3 (strangers again's honeymoon stage, or as we refer to it, G:); but i really believe that [you 'JUST' being that guy who made me happy for x period of time] isn't the case. for me, there are so many subcategories this could spawn off into, so i will try to keep it relatively short for everyone's sake. but to start, you (just as a person) make me incredibly happy. whether we're spending time loling about various nerdy things over the webernets or having serious deep IRL talks, every time you leave i'm smiling (not because you're gone, but because i genuinely enjoy all of the time i spend with you, regardless of what the mood or context has been). i'm also still in awe of the fact that this is a mutual, returned thing, which makes me doubly happy because it's mutual, and you're happy, which makes me even happier, not to mention the fact that you're also happy when i'm happy, so really, we have quite the complex mobius system going on. and that also makes two things right there. but what i meant to tell you (and probably failed at conveying) is that this (everything) makes me happy. i like being in this relationship. i like this, i like us, i like you a lot. and while i realize [this should be the case in ALL relationships, which is probably why you worried that you were 'just' one of an unknown number], it's not always the case, and for me, it's the first time experiencing that - which is why, being able to compare it with pieces of my past, i know how different it feels. i feel good about this; i feel lucky and thankful to have met you every day.

i've always been fairly good with words when not in your vicinity because all brain activity basically dies out, but i can't really explain it. i just feel good about it, and it's so different. it's funny to think that months ago i had no idea you existed and now i can't imagine you not being part of my life, whether just as friends or not. i feel good about waking up, and knowing i get to see you soon and smile, and good about this relationship because i actually believe in it being wonderful. and this is foreign territory to me. so please, please do NOT think you're JUST 'first appreciative boyfriend' or 'here to teach me about healthy relationships and respect' or anything of the sort, because you aren't.

in other news, it's 1:12 AM right now, and i've basically veered off-track from my work schedule for the night and given up. maybe the lack of sleep is also messing with my writing, but in any case, this is something i want to get out, just to have my thoughts down. but BACK TO WHAT I WAS SAYING (wow content quality is really sliding, ergh): you are honestly so much more than that.