this is a letter. truth be told, i would be writing this on microsoft word; except for some reason unknown to me, i have psychologically duped myself into thinking that writing it over the internet will make me sound slightly less retarded. though really, i'm not sure it'll make any difference, because a) the internet is probably much less safe thanks to google technology, b) i've basically thought about writing all of these thoughts down so many times that it's nearly scripted, and c) the only logical time for me to be giving you anything of this sort is really the start of summer.. so i'm a good several months early.

at this very moment, i am completely neglecting my art history essay, which i promised to work on all today (and yesterday), but that clearly didn't happen. i did that thing where i attempt to schedule myself, except it failed miserably and i ended up inking some pages in my sketchbook, except then THOSE failed miserably too; and so here i am finally giving up because this is probably the only thing i might be remotely productive at tonight.

seeing as this 'letter' has basically been compiling inside my head for a little while, i don't really know if 'what brought this on' is the phrase to use.. but as is the case, i'll use it.. and flowchart into two things. last night, i showed you strangers again by wong fu, and we had this long conversation (through 3 phones, over the duration of 2 hours c:) about relationships. and before you left in the afternoon (when you were getting your swag on downstairs to shitty music and ceramic animals), i remember that i told you how happy and thankful for you i was. and then you told me that on your way to school in the morning, just sitting on the bus.. one of those moments came up for you, too. your headphones were on, and a coldplay song had just come on, and it made you think of me.

you proceeded to explain that you actually associate coldplay in general with me, and the skrillex remix of cinema (which i woke up and youtubed this morning. i think it's sweet.), and that - i think - was what did it. aside from how completely adorable and sweet i found that (wooowww i am a tool), my coldplay association struck me as interesting.

a few weeks ago, i came to a realization. for a long, long time, coldplay's 'fix you' had always been my comfort song of choice. whether it was general sadness, mood swings, bad days, or (most memorably) late nights in an unsuccessful relationship, fix you was my track of choice for exactly that. i cried alone on my floor, in my bathroom, to sleep, in my bed.. or in the mirror, if i really wanted to have a cinematic moment. and it worked. i recall that song pulling me through tearful night after night, after a conversation ended poorly or all positivity felt basically gone. i never got sick of it; and even to this day, despite my being incredibly content with life, i play it on occasion, and it's still lovely.

i realized, as i was standing in my kitchen washing dishes, i don't recall ever needing or having to listen to it ever since i met you. on the days when i attempt to poorly express what i think of you and how i feel, i know i often tell you how thankful i am, and how happy i am, and how happy you make me, and it's so incredibly true. but that aside, one (of countless things) that amaze me about you is that you've never made me feel otherwise. every relationship (whether officiated or not) i've ever been involved in, every boy who has basically come into my life to mark an emotional trail has always, always done it through sadness, or envy, or pain; not appreciating what i offered, or just not paying the attention. and in every case, i remember needing that song, but it's never happened with you, and that on its own is yet another thing that amazes me every single day i wake up to find myself in this relationship.