╾ 25th

today i woke up in denial. i couldnt cope with anything, i was blank once again. i didnt knew why because i really thought i was doing great on accepting it. but just now i found an answer: it may be because today marks one week since you left. its been the hardest week of my life and i'm sad, i still cry sometimes and i still feel pain. i keep telling you that i'm trying but i'm not sure anymore.

i can distract myself most of the times when there's people around me and when they're talking to me, but as soon as i'm alone or simply not talking, i think about you and all the things that comes along with it. and i dont even try to get rid of the thoughts. i just look at the sky and its enough for the bad feelings grow inside of me. maybe i want to think about you. i want to remember you. i have to feel you close to me somehow even tho it hurts me so bad, even tho it puts me in such a bad mood. i'm scared to not think about you. i dont want that to happen.

as i said, there are some times that i talk and think about you happily, i even smile sincerely. because i think of you being finally happy too and my heart is suddenly filled with joy. but its just a few times, i still cant control my feelings and i still feel the sad ones. the loss. the grieving. the emptiness.

today at the gayo sm groups wore black ribbons with "r.i.p jh" write in it. i still dont know how i feel about it. it was so sad. its hard for me but it must be harder for them because you all must've been close somehow. and now you're not with them. and they still have to attend a big concert, trying to smile and wearing the black ribbon, remembering that you're gone. but at the same time is beautiful the way they remember you and keep you close. they respect you.

just a few hours ago i drove my sister back to her house and i kept looking for signs, i kept looking for you. the acqua pear light. anything. i need to know that you're here, i need to know that when i talk to you, i AM talking to you. but i cant see it and it makes me think that you really dont care about me, you never listen to me when i talk and look to the sky nonstop.

a few days ago i saw a tweet saying that "they say 'you don't know what you've got until it's gone', but the truth is, you knew what you had, you just thought you'd never lose it", and i thought of you instantly. i blame myself everyday for not keeping you close, for liking you from afar and taking so much time to get to know you better. i blame myself for losing the time i could've had with you and every good thing i'm sure you would add up in my life. but thats it, thats the explanation. i never, never thought i would lose you. not like that. not so soon. and i blame myself for that too. for not seeing it. for being so stupid and blind and for doing nothing. it was like i could see you but i couldnt.

i know theres no help in blaming myself and thinking about those things, it'll only bring me down and i'm almost hitting hell, but its just... natural to think about it, i guess. we always blame ourselves for something we could see but havent seen it. i said that too, even if i knoew it, even if i saw it coming, what could i do? i'm so far away and i'm so useless, so coward i just... would've been no help. and that's one of the reasons i hate the fact that i'm alive and you're not. i'm a shame. you were never a shame, you were never useless or worthless. you were so, so extremely worth it. i hope you can see that now. and i hope you'll remember it forever. please.

i love you. i really love you and i'm sorry it's too late.