╾ 31st

today's new year. or tomorrow. anyway, i couldnt care less. i'm still not in the mood. its strange not to have you here. and tomorrow's two weeks... to think about it and think that we'll begin a new year without you... its just not real.

but how's the point on celebrating a new year if its going to be the same shit as ever? i'm saying that about me, i dont know the others but... for me, everything will still be the same. its not going to be a good new year because its getting worse day by day. i wanted to make you proud and live for you but i'm so scared and sad and i see no motivation in anything. i feel nothing.

i keep thinking about you. all the time. i look at something and i remember you. i keep looking at the sky and i remember you. something happens and i look up to talk with you. and i keep waiting for all of this to be a lie or a nightmare and i keep wanting to wake up because it sucks, its terrible.

its 12:12. people are celebrating and hugging each other and wishing a happy new year. i'm trying to get in the mood but i just cant. i need to hold back my tears and its so hard because i keep thinking about you and i keep looking at the sky and thinking that... how can i just pretend it didnt happened? how can i celebrate a year without you here and for the worst reasons? i hate it. i hate that i "have to celebrate" something i dont want it. its just another shitty year.

people will still be insensitive and treat us like shit. we will still be hurt by others. i'll still be alone and invisible so fuck it. you're not here and i dont feel like celebrating.

i'm feeling a lot of things right now and i cant even explain it. i need to go home and have a time for myself. think and put it all out.

i write everything for you because i feel like you're the only one listening. i feel like only you can understand and it sucks that i cant hear what you have to say to me.