╾ 23rd

monday i cried. i cried so much i thought my head would explode. i cried so much i could barely breathe. i cried so much that my eyes were so puffy i could barely keep them open. i cried so much my dark circles became so visible it seem like i hadnt slept for a whole month. so from tuesday on i kept holding back my tears and my sadness for almost a week because i have to work everyday and i couldnt look like that. and i couldnt cry, i couldnt just look sad all day because for some reason thats just not how life works. i have to pretend i'm okay and i have to still work hard, looking happy, looking fine. i had to put on a expression to deceive people. but i was feeling heavy, lost, there was no meaning.

but it was suffocating me. i wanted to cry my heart out, i wanted to cry all the water i had on my body, i wanted to watch it all, to see it all so that maybe i could accept it. maybe i'd get better sooner. but everyday i had to try my best to ignore, to not think about it and just distract myself. but it wasnt easy. whenever i was alone with only my thoughts, it was you. i couldnt just simply stop thinking about you. so when i had the chance, i let myself fall. it was friday and since i didnt have to work the next day, which is today, i thought it would be a good idea to finally see it all and feel it all.

i did it. and it was terrible. it was awful. it wasnt worse then it was on monday, but it wasnt easy. reading your letter killed me. reading key's letter made my heart almost choke. seeing the pictures, other idols crying, your members carrying you... it was like a nightmare. i thought it would help me but till the end i couldnt believe it, i couldnt accept it. i kept telling me it wasnt you, it wasnt true. theres no way you're gone. so i cried and i cried untill theres nothing left. the tears were gone. i went blank. i couldnt think, couldnt feel, i was just there. existing. maybe trying to process everything i just saw. so i went to sleep like that just hoping to feel better, to think about you and not cry, to feel less heavy as the days passes.

and today i woke up feeling like i finally accepted it. i looked up to the sky and it was blue, the sun was shinning a little and i thought it was a signal. it was you. you were happy to see me trying to move on and smile, you were happy to hear me talking to you. and i was feeling the wind, thinking it was you comforting me and saying what you kept saying and i kept ignoring: you are okay. then i started reading the things i wrote the past week and the wind became aggresive, again i thought it was you telling me to stop. because you want me to fully move on, you dont want me to keep going places i feel sad and hurt. then i told you its okay, and the wind stopped. that cannot be my imagination, right? it had to be you. its you and you're looking after me, i know that. i can feel it. i dont know how long it'll last, maybe i'll still cry and think everything's was just the worst nightmare i ever had, i'll think i cant accept it and i'll blame myself for not letting you go because i'm weak and i cant. but deep down i know it was better for you, i know you're now in peace, you're not feeling all the horrible things anymore, you're happy. deep down i know i already accepted it. i just have to realise that and think about it everyday like a mantra: you're fine now, you're in peace now.

i'm sorry if you're seeing me in the mood i am right now. i'm sorry if you feel hurt whenever i think i wish i could be with you, i wish i was strong as you were and just... get rid of myself. i'm sorry if you think you're responsible for what i'm feeling, all the dark things growing and growing inside of me, you might feel like you put me in that situation but its not. you're just a sad, beautiful and tragic trigger. everything was inside of me already, it wasnt you. but i said it and i'll say it again: i'll try to live for you. i dont know how and i dont know for how long, i'll live for you, i'll live to cherish you and i'll live to make you proud somehow, even if i think i cant make anyone proud because i'm worthless, even if i think you dont even care about me.

you're now my safe spot, my guardian angel, the one i can look up to. you'll be by my side forever and i'll be by your side, it doenst matter how. far, near... i'll be with you. its being so hard for me. a lot of times i just keep thinking that i cant make it, i cant live with that. its too heavy, its too sad and i'm too weak. everything around me just keeps hurting me more than before because i'm too vunerable, i'm miserable. i feel that inside. actually i might look like a black ghost inside. but outside i try to look okay, i try to accept it and i try to pretend that i'm happy and back at being myself again because maybe it'll become true. maybe faking it can actually turn that into reality.