╾ 26th

today i didnt cry (too soon to write that, hours later and yes, i cried a little). when i was going home from work i even sang some songs and i was normal. i was enjoying the music. it was day6 and i thought that maybe, just maybe, they could really be my salvation. they could make me happy and take me back to being me (this with kard too 3 days ago lmao). i thought that maybe i could still love them with all my heart - or whats left of it. some minutes later i felt the sadness trying to come inside of me but it just went away. alone.

maybe its because i finally accepted. or maybe i didnt and thats why i'm normal sometimes, it just dont feel like its real to me. i dont know. i'm sticking with the "time will heal" and "time heals everything" and even "give time to time", but its not working. is it too soon or is it too late? i think it doesnt matter. i'm feeling what i'm feeling and i cant control it.

i dont wanna assume things, dont wanna keep guessing and wondering how's my feelings and when this is gonna end. i think i must just feel it all. day by day. i may be fine in one day and then sad the next day, we never know. today i woke up feeling nothing, then i was normal, then i was a little - just a little - happy, then in a bad mood, then normal again and then i cried... and so it goes.

but when i see someone getting through this, tweeting happily, posting your videos and stuff and just... moving on, i dont get it. why cant i move on too? am i sticking with the pain i dont have to? am i holding on to something i should at least try harder to let go? or is it okay for me to take that long to let you go and move on for real? there is even an answer? too many questions and i dont have answers for none of them.

i just came to the conclusion that if i keep holding back my feelings, it'll never be over. i'll just keep crying and i'll keep in denial or something. i'll never move on. i thought it would be enough to just read all the things and watch all the videos, so i tried that day - friday -, but i guess it didnt worked out that well since i still cry and feel really sad and blank most of the day.

but what can i really do? i miss you. i miss you so much and i'll keep saying how i can feel you absence here. i look around and i dont see you and i know i'm not going to see you. i know you're not here and i can feel it getting heavier. its something i can FEEL. you know? maybe thats why its too hard for me to handle. its like something craved inside of me. i might be standing still, but just by breathing i can feel it.

sometimes i hear the birds singing and i think of you. because you're "with" them out there in the skies. somewhere. but where? are you here? do you even see me or hear me? i keep wondering, all the second.

living with just your pictures and videos and live stages.. i might handle it well, it sometimes even helps me to get close to you and remember you, your smile. but having to see the boys as 4... having to watch them perform with 4 members, covering your voice, covering the space you left... i dont think i'll ever be able to cope with that. i have to accept it, but it'll break me everytime. not seeing you there. with them.

how can i ever recover?