╾ 24th

today's christmas eve. its almost like christmas because we trade gifts and all. and i really love christmas. i wait for december every year and am always so excited. but today... everything was off. the christmas mood was gone since november, and it got worse. it just wasnt feeling like christmas. and for me... you know. it was empty. i am empty somehow, as i already said you left a space here, a heaviness were it was so light. i can feel it. its not the same as it was. i mean, you were never here with me, you were always so far away and out of touch. but you were there. and now you're not anywhere. you're not here. you're somewhere so far away that i cant even... i cant mesure the distance and i'll never see you. even if i travel. maybe even if i die.

i wore a black dress today in respect of you. to remember you. maybe i should've wore some red or white clothes, maybe black its too deep. i mean... it looks like it was yesterday, it feels real and it feels distant. it feels sad and i dont want it to be sad. but i couldnt let it go and enjoy it either. i'm just so confused and lost and i'm still trying to accept it.

sometimes it feels real but sometimes it feels like a lie, like a nightmare or something. i'm stuck between accepting it and knowing you're gone and not accepting it at all, repeating to myself "it cant be", thinking you're still here and theres no way you're gone.

the times when i know its real its when i talk to you. i look at the sky first thing in the morning and say hello to you, smiling. then i talk to you to say that i miss you and i hope you're in peace. i tell you i'll try to endure the day and not cry. i tell you i am trying and i'll be fine eventually.

the times i cant accept it is when i look at you. or when i think about you and about the news and everything. when i read all the farewells and rest in peace messages. when i read some tweets talking about it, shawols or not saying they miss you, talking about you being gone. writing "passed away". it really feels unreal. like some parallel reality that i'm suddenly living in.

and you know... i thought seeing you - your pictures, your live stages, your interviews, even listening to your songs - would make me sad and i'd cry for 3 days, but its different. it actually makes me happy. i mean, at least 30% happier. it makes me feel close to you. it makes it feel like you're still here. maybe its not all times, maybe i'll still cry when i watch a specific video but for now, when i wake up and see you, my heart gets a little warmer.

but of course theres some times it makes me really sad... you know, seeing you smiling, seeing you happy and knowing that, maybe, in that day, that time, you werent really happy. you were faking it. inside you were in pain, you were desperate. it really breaks me and its something i cant avoid thinking. how you were feeling. and i'm always so sorry...

i remember when i woke up that day and i wasnt feeling like myself. i was a lot tired then normally and it wasnt because of sleep or work. i was just feeling off for no reason. but the moment i saw the news i knew it. my body knew it all the time. i was weak even before i knew it.

i was always someone that really likes the sky, but now i love it even more. i look at the sky almost all the day and i keep talking to you. even when i dont say a word, i just look at the sky and it feels like i'm looking at you and you're looking back at me, just that, that simple. even when i dont say a word and dont think of anything, it just feels like we're connected somehow, it feels like we're understanding each other.

i dont know where you are, but merry christmas. i wish you were here but i cant ask you that. if you were here you would be suffering and i dont want you to suffer anymore, in any life, in any circumstance. i hope you had a nice and happy christmas. and know that i tried my best to enjoy something today and i tried not to think about the sad things. right now, writing this, i cant help it but cry a little. it'll get better eventually - i already said that a hundred times.

i love you.