╾ 27th

today was sunny. i woke up feeling hot and when i looked out the window, i smiled. because it was rainy for so long, the sky was grey, it was awful. but i saw the sun and the blue sky, i thought that it had to be you. it was you. shinning, happy. i smile 58473 times while looking to the sky a thousand times today. have i mention that? i cant stop looking at the sky. do i have to say that you're the reason why?

i keep looking up to talk to you, to "see" you somehow, to look for answers... i try to picture you there. because i have to know you're somewhere. i cant bear to think you're anywhere to be found, you're nowhere. it scares me. ir terrifies me. and it makes me sad, it makes me wanna cry.

yes, i thought i wouldnt cry today because i want sad all day, or maybe i just didnt knew, maybe i was hiding it so that no one would really see. but this time... when its getting late and when its getting dark, when i'm on my own, at my house, when i dont have to pay attention on my job, thats when it hits me all over again and again, everyday. maybe its automatic? or its just the usual me not wanting to forget you or let you go.

i didnt wanted to cry, but theres always some songs, theres always some words thats makes my heart hurt. and so the tears come together. but, you know.. it hurts me more when i think about you being alone, suffering, keeping all together, not telling anyone and getting weaker, heavier, tired, exhausted, confused. there's plenty more words to add up to that list and i'm saying that because i feel it myself, maybe you were feeling that too, maybe it was more, maybe less, but its the feelings... whatever you were feeling, i know it was horrible and unbearable and i'm always so sorry, i cant even put into words.

sometimes when i'm sad i say to myself "come back", "i wish he was here again" and i hate it. i hate that i feel this way because its just selfish. you couldnt be here. you tried. if you were still here you would be suffering. i cant be like that. i cant ask for that. i have to think that you're good now and thats what you wanted. i also pray that you're in peace with your mind, your choices, you decision. you have to be in peace with that. because you cant turn back. it sucks so much.

i dont even know what and why i'm writing all of this, its all too awful and bad things, terrible memories, just things that makes me even more sad and blank. i dont know... i have a lot of things to say even tho i write everyday. it was never my plan, to be honest. guess i got used to it and now i dont wanna stop writing for you.

i'm too exhausted so i'll just try to go to sleep, i need that. i love you. i'm sorry i wanna go with you, i'm sorry i wanna be with you. i'm sorry thats what i want because maybe all you want is for who loves you to live happily for a long time. but again, i'm sorry that i dont want that too, and again, i'm sorry if you feel guilty. you're not. you're my light somehow, even if its a different kind of light.

thank you.