╾ 8th

so... four days after my birthday, here i am. your birthday.

i went to my grandma's house because i wanted to avoid crying the whole day, i know myself now. i would read stuff i shouldnt and i would be here alone locked in my room and i would give myself in. i said that i dont mind crying for you and its still true, its just that sometimes it gets really tiring. like... mentally and physically.

anyway, i went there and i was holding up well but almost at the end of the day, they bought me a cake and they sang happy birthday to me. you can already tell, right? i couldnt hold myself back that well and i started to cry a little. i was thinking about you and your birthday and it all became so messy i couldnt handle. but i didnt wanted to ruin the mood so i tried to calm myself. then i said i was eating for two, "another person having a birthday", then my aunt said "oh, so you were thinking about him..." and i just... it was hard. i said i didnt wanted talk about it and tried my best to hold my tears but honestly i'm still not so good at it. i managed to tho... but it was already there. i became silent and i kept thinking and my mood was just... you.

then i came home because another aunt of mine said she was going to my house to wish me a happy birthday. nice, i thought, another birthday related thing. so i came back home and it was bigger than i thought. she bought me a cake too, and candy, and they, too, sang me happy birthday. again, my mind was on you. i had two "birthday parties" for my birthday on your birthday.

i somehow, for a little bit, felt honored. its your birthday after all. i was celebrating for you, i was celebrating you. it wasnt just my birthday, it was you. get it?? it was us.

but i'm still not in the mood. for anything. i'm sorry i couldnt properly celebrate your birthday today. i was trying to escape, to be honest. i didnt wanted to cry, i didnt wanted to suffer and i didnt wanted to feel what i know i would feel. a horrible feeling. its like its tearing me apart, like its ripping my heart and all my insides. no joke.

i just cant deal with all of this yet and i'm so sorry, you deserve so much better. so much better.... i'm such a trash and such a mess. but its just so hard and its getting harder, this month is just hard to go through. sorry.

but before i go to sleep i wanna tell you that i'm glad you were born today 28 years ago. i'm glad i was born 4 days ago 23 years ago, so that i could know you. i'm glad we lived at the same time. its a shame and i feel guilty everyday that it was such a short period, i wasted so much time i couldve spend with you, but for the time i knew you, i'm glad.

thank you for being born. thank you for making a difference. thank you for being incredible and amazing and such an inspiration for so many people around the world. you're incredible, you're a wonderful person and will always be.

i love you so much. i miss you so much.

thank you for everything.

you did well.