╾ 6th

everything's so bittersweet... nothing is the same anymore. i hate that i cant look at the boys the same. i hate that i look at them and i dont see you and it hurts so damn much. its too deep. the scar isnt healed, not even 1%. its wide open.

will it ever go away? will the scar ever heal? will i ever stop hurting? its been too long and i still the same, i'm not any better. i dont even try to be better, you know. i dont care anymore but to be suffering like that... missing you so much it hurts me everyday... its something that... i dont know. i dont wanna feel this way but the only thing that could help it its you being here and thats not possible. thats why it makes me hurt more and more each day, the fact that i know you're not coming back... its fucking terrible.

besides, its bittersweet because i feel some kind of guilty whenever i'm "happy", whenever i feel some kind of joy. i dont know how to explain but i just cant be fully happy even for 5 minutes, something on the back of my mind takes me back to where i am now. a dark room, all alone, missing you, wanting to go, thats where i am.