╾ 26th

its happening right now. i swear i was just doing my job calmly as i always do but then... its always like that. i have to pay attention in some dates and there it was. december 18th. as soon as i read that my heart started racing so fast i thought it was coming out of my chest. i could hardly breathe and the tears wanted to come out.

its just so terrible. i can be "fine" in one minute just trying to work and then... out of a sudden. one thing. one date. one thought. one second i hear your voice. just one second can bring me back to that day and those times it was 10x worse than now.

i hate that i cant forget it. i hate that its even happening till now, i hate that it even happened. but at the same time i dont wanna forget, i dont want it to leave my mind, i never wanna forget you. i rather keep thinking and thinking although it hurts me so much. i already said that right...

i'll just keep repeating till it gets to you so you wont forget me too. so you wont forget that i'm here and i will always be, crying at night or actually sleeping at night. i'm here. although i wanna be with you in the sky, in the clouds, i am here and i am thinking about you almost all the time and i wont stop. i'll keep looking at the sky all day talking to you or just looking at it and thinking about you. i'll keep my window open so i can look at the sky the moon and the stars before i go to sleep, even when i cry while looking at it and talking to you. thats just how i am right now. all about you and all for you.

i keep missing you and that feeling just wont go away. it stays here every day like a glue in my heart, reminding me all the time that i'm not complete. that theres a part of me missing, a part that i didnt even knew it was mine, but turns out it was more important than i ever knew. deep inside my heart it was a big part, only my mind didnt knew it. and what an awful way to discover my feelings... you know, i was never good with my own feelings. i dont know how to listen to my heart, its a rare thing when i actually know what i'm feeling.

i'm sorry... every day i'm sorry. i missed you and now i miss you still, but in a different and painful way i wish i could never feel. i wish nothing happened, i wish we could go back to times we were happy. even if you were to go back to a long time ago... a time where i didnt knew you and would never... its okay if you were to be happy. thats all i wished and still wish for. your happiness is all that matters to me right now when everything is meaningless.