╾ 23rd

it should help me when people tell me i'm special and stuff, right? i dont know, but somehow i feel bad. i feel sad. it hurts me in a way?

yesterday my grandma said i was special and precious to her, i was so hurt and i was so so sorry. i'm always sorry for those who have a good feeling towards me. it just wont help me get any better. i feel bad because i cant feel that, i cant.

i guess everything's just nothing to me anymore. i dont care, it wont get inside of my heart neither inside of my head. i just dont care...

i really wish i could talk to you, jongie, i wish you could tell me how it is, i wish you could help me somehow. but to be honest, right now, the only help i want from you is for you to take me soon. just take me. i dont think there's something to hold me here, theres nothing that makes me feel alive, theres no meaning in being here. i feel nothing... literally the only thing holding me here is my coward self. i'm useless even for ending everything, i cant even help myself. thats why i keep calling you, i keep talking to you and asking you to help me and take me.

wont you?

(...)

right now, the sun is shining. its raining a little but its shiny. is so beautiful... i already said that but, because of you, i started to love the sky even more than i already did. and i always wonder if you're giving me a sign or talking to me. i know its foolish, but i cant help it.