╾ 1st

so... its april. i hate that. its another thing i used to enjoy but now i really deslike. and i didnt enjoy it because of my birthday; in fact i started to hate my birthday a long time ago. i dont know why but i just used to like april.

but then... i started to hate my bdays, it always made me sad and down. and now there's another two days to make me sad and down. your birthday and the fucking 18th. its just another terrible month.

it'll remind me that i'm still here, it'll remind me how much of a coward i am for being here. it'll remind me of you. it'll make me think of how many people used to celebrate you and now we dont have you here anymore. it'll remind me that its been 4 months. its too long, jongie. 4 months without you its too much.

i still didnt accepted the reality. i dont know how and i dont know why but i keep thinking you'll comeback someday. i keep thinking you're still here, you're just hiding, chillin, resting, taking some time for yourself. its ridiculous.

april's gonna be hard on me. its gonna be hard having to deal with people wishing me a happy birthday, "happiness and a lot of years ahead of life". i'll have to thank them. i wish i could scream. i dont want that. i have no happiness and i dont want a lot of years ahead of life. i just want it to end. i dont wanna have to smile to people. i dont wanna have to pretend i enjoy all of this, i hate it. i dont wanna have people who i never talk to wishing me a happy birthday. i hate that.

today's april fools but i cant see the lies. its all true, its all real and there's nothing fun about it. its terrible.

forgive me jongie for i cant let you go yet.

forgive me jongie for i still cry.

forgive me jongie for i still miss you so much it keeps hurting everyday.