╾ 4th

once again, i thought of a lot of things to tell you but i didnt wrote it down so i forgot. but the thing is... its my birthday. i couldnt be any less in the mood for it.

people hugging me when they never do. people who barely know me wishing me a happy birthday. things trying to be something they're not. its never like that.

each "i wish you happiness and a lot of years of life" just... it was terrible. i wish i could just say stop it. i dont want y'all sudden sympathy and i dont want you to be glad i'm aging. its not about getting older, its about still being here. i dont want that.

i cant say it was a bad day tho, i was pretty surprised. my boss made me a surprise, he reserved a table in a restaurant and he even ordered a cake. i was kinda happy? i dont know how to describe, its been almost 4 months since i last felt happiness... and then my friend at uni also made me happy (once again, i guess). it wasnt a bad birthday after all, it wasnt as bad as the past ones.

but i still hate it. i hate this month, i hate the fact that in 4 days it'll be your birthday. yesterday i cried 3 times just thinking about it and now i'm crying again. i hate the fact that 10 days after your birthday, it'll be 4 months. i hate the fact that the boys will have another concert and i wont be able to see it again because i cant stand the fact that you're not here and you're not with them you're not on stage you're not singing anymore its just so.... aching. i cant stand it.

i dont know how i'm actually bearing it and living and i dont know how i'll go through this month and i really wish i wouldnt go through it. i wish i could be brave and just go. i hate myself for that. ugh.

today, as i was walking back home, i looked at the sky as i always do and i thought that maybe you're proud of me. just for today, you're proud of me. i wasnt sad till now, i havent cried till now, i smiled, i enjoyed all the things that happened, it was just like i was normal and everything was just fine.

but now, laying down writing all of this and letting myself free, crying yet again, why would you be proud? i'm not what i was "pretending" to be. its not really pretending, i just keep hiding the true self i am now.

i'm so sorry i said i would live for you and, well, here i am... living terribly. i'm a failure and i am sorry. i'm really sorry...