╾ 11th

so... today i cried at work for the first time in... i dont know. its been weeks i guess? probably a month. i'm kinda good now at holding myself back when i have to.

i was just listening to music as i always do, but i put it to play it all and then my phone, sighs... it played cocktail. one of the songs that makes my heart jump and scream and then it was too late to hold it back, it was already there. so i - being the dumbest human being i am - put on your playlist and suddenly elevator came in... i cant quite describe it.

i felt like my heart was heavy, really heavy. i got chills and i felt like losing my breath. it was terrible. then lonely... i couldnt. its not like i cried the same i cry at night, but my tears kept falling.

i was sad and then so angry as always, thinking how unfair this is. how fucked up and messy and it shouldnt be like that. you're so special... your voice is one of a kind, your music is unique, your smile, yourself in general.. you tried to be the realest you, you tried to show who you really are, this is so important... you are special. its unfair, its unfair, its unfair... thats all i can think about. i hate that.