╾ 29th

so its happening. i wrote about it a few days ago and its really... happening.

i wrote about how afraid i am to not be able to listen to shinee ever again and they just announced a comeback. out of a sudden. i cant do that. it hurts so much just thinking about it. i wasnt ready and deep down i knew i wasnt ready and maybe i wont ever be ready.

i was just brushing my teeth and my thoughts flew to the future. shinee winning on music shows and dedicating the award to you; "our jonghyun hyung who's watching us". it hits me so deep in my heart i lose my breath. its such a pain out of a sudden and my eyes get teary i cant even explain.

i'm so sorry i cant do this. i'm not happy. i dont know what i'm feeling i'm just too scared. since you left i was always scared of the future without you. i was always scared from the moving on's although i know its not exactly a moving on. they already talked about how them and your mother want to move on for you, because you would want that. but i cant and i still cant... everyday and everything hurts and i'm not ready to not see you. i'm not ready to see them as 4. i'm still too weak.

my heart hurts so much. too much.

april just became hardest then i expected. and now i know may will be even worse. i'll feel sad because of the comeback and i'll feel sad because i hate that i'm that weak and cant even support shinee. i cant listen to their music i dont know if i'll be able to listen to the music and watch them perform. i dont know if i'll be able to see the pictures and videos from the fanmeeting. 10th anniversary. without you. i fucking hate this so much jongie i dont know...

i dont wanna go through this. i just ownt ask you to just take me with you this time because now i have something i really want, something close to a dream of mine, i have something i really need and i'm happy about it. i'm nervous and scared but i'm happy. and till that day, i wont ask you to take me. i wont say i wanna go. i cant go yet. not yet. not anymore. but its still hard dealing with everything.

its hard everyday having to deal with me missing you so much. this hole in my heart. this emptiness in my soul. i have to carry all of those things with me because i just wont go away any second. i keep you and all that gets along with you with me.

i'm so sorry jongie. i'm sorry i'm crying so much again. i'm sorry i'm hurting so much again. maybe you were glad i was "doing fine", almost didnt cry... i even smiled while looking at the moon. but thats not it. thats just me trying to hide everything again. i dont know whats going on, i dont know if i really have the will to get better or not... theres a part of me who dont wanna feel this pain anymore because its really heavy for me, its terrible. but theres the other part of me who just doesnt care anymore rather i suffer or not. its hard even trying to understand myself, my mind. the only thing i know is that i wont go away, the missing and the hurting its still here. you're still here in my mind and in my heart and in the empty space.

i dont want to move on.

its so hard to not know what to feel or what to think, its so hard not knowing what i want anymore, its so hard living without any will. the only thing i know is missing you and longing for you. i feel like everyday i only live to miss you and think about you. its like a circle. i wake up and go to sleep and then the next day its the same and everyday its the same. the feelings, the thoughts.