╾ 15th

yesterday i had a dream. i died and it was like i was getting sucked away from my body - my soul, maybe. up, up, up... to the sky. i stopped when i was there: heaven, i guess. there was a lot of people there but my eyes could only search for you. i got up and i started walking around, looking for you. then i started running and then i started to scream your name. i found you. and i was reaching my hand to you but i couldnt touch you. i couldnt get near you. you couldnt see me. i let myself fall to the "ground" and i started crying. even then, i was in pain.

where do we go, jongie? when its all over, where do we go? will i be able to touch you? to hug you? will i be able to talk to you? will i be able to walk with you? thats one of the things i wish you could tell me. they first one, of course, its... are you okay? arent you in pain, for real? i wish you could give me a sign. just a small thing, just for me to know.

these days its strange because i can literally see myself lying and hiding. i can literally see myself behind a little thin invisible wall, hiding behind another person that isnt me, but it is me. the person keeps smiling and.. pretending. the person keeps showing its all fine but i can see it - its not fine. i'm inside and i can see that its all dark and miserable here on the inside.