╾ 11th

a lot of things happened and it all reminds me of you. whenever i travel i feel like my desire to be with you increase. i look at the sky and the mountains and all the green and i dont really know what it is but i wanna be there. i wanna go with you and i wonder if you see that all too. if you're up there watching us and seeing all the green and water. i see the birds and the planes and i wonder if they're close to you, if they can fly with you or something. but then i see them so far away from the clouds and it hits me... you're just too far away, beyond the clouds.

another thing that reminded me of you, it was actually kind of terrible but.. my uncle was talking about suicide and he talked about regretting it. thats one thing that makes me scared as hell. not only because of me but because of you. i always wonder if you're really okay with your decision and with the place you are now; who you are now. it scares me to think you might regret it. because maybe its worse, you know.. doing something you cant turn back even if you want to... i hope you're in that position. i keep saying that i need you to be happy, i need you to be in peace with everyone, everything; with you. thats the only thing that makes my heart at ease, at least a small part of it, i have to believe you're good.

and the "last" thing (not really because to be honest everything reminds me of you and makes me think about you), was almost the same thing, it was about suicide... people still dont get it. until they feel it, they wont ever understand. until they suffer that much, they wont understand. they think its stupid and we dont think before we end our lives. they think its something we feel now and later it fades away. i cant stand it. its not some "no one understands me" drama, its real. they dont get it and they cant help us and it keeps getting harder, they keep making fun of it, making it look less than it actually is. and they dont realize it kills us little by little, just like this..

and the more i realize it and actually experience this, the more i wonder if you felt this way. if you felt alone and misunderstood, if you blamed yourself because people told you its your fault because they just cant understand. i wonder if you too thought that, in the end, we're all alone. people are there but they dont really are. they're there for your good parts but they cant stand your bad parts, the parts that need attention and care, they're not there when you need them the most because they just dont understand.