╾ 20th

i miss you. i say that a lot i know but it doesnt stop, i keep missing you and it grows and grows. my life is empty like was never before.

in the middle of my pain, i remember when people were saying you went out in your car making noise, something like that, and it seemed you were looking for a sign. something to make you stay. i dont know if its true, but i cant stop thinking about that. not only because of you and because it breaks my heart in uncountable pieces, but because of me. i do that everyday. i keep looking for something to hold on, i keep waiting and looking for some sign so that i can stay, something that tells me to stay but theres just nothing. and yet i dont have enough guts to just go...

you were so open about everything, about you and the hard things... why did you had to endure all by yourself? why... where was everybody? i dont know what happened and how was everything, i dont know if somebody did tried to help, but fuck.. i hate it. i hate the thought of you being alone. you were always there for everyone.

my jjongie...

today i cried while in class. there were people there but i just dont care anymore. they dont even see me anyway, and even if they did, they dont care just like me. and now, just when i thought it was okay, my mood was good for me to at least sleep well, it took me one second and one wrong picture to cry. this feeling... its like i'm empty and "okay" but suddenly it grows in me, like its running from my heart to my throat all the way up to my eyes and sometimes - just like now - its uncontrollable, i try to calm myself down but its already there. its something strong that happens depending on what i see or watch or listen.

its just been so hard..

right now all i want to do is just lay in bed and cry and look at the sky and cry more and put all my emotions out, at least today's emotions, and talk to you. but i cant and i'm so sorry it feels like i'm pushing you away or trying to avoid you, its not something that i want. i dont hold back because i wanna feel okay or because i think that i should try to let it go and live, i dont want that. i'm holding back because as i said a thousand times i have work and i have people around me, mostly people who i cant just explain what's going on or why i look like shit with puffy eyes and deep and ugly dark circles. i cant just say i've been like this for 2 months now and it pains me everyday i keep crying because of you. people just dont understand and they dont care. it sucks that i have to hold myself back because of people and they don't even care...

theres one thing i know and one that im not so sure of it. first, i'm fucking weak. second, if you can see me, you might feel uncomfortable or annoyed or... i dont know if you can feel things but you can be blaming yourself still because i just dont get better. i'm stuck on you and i keep being sad and i keep crying and i dont seem to get better. for me, i think you already gave me 2 signs that i should let go and accept that, first it was the boy on the station and then the acqua pearl thing in the sky. both things made me really happy at the time but soon i went back to my atual state: chaos.

i'm sorry i cant move on. i'm sorry i still cry and suffer and i'm sorry for being so weak.

you know, i should be sleeping and theres a lot of nights like this one. i need to sleep to wake up early and rest well to work well but as soon as i lay my head on the pillow, my mind goes back to you. i think about you involuntarily and when i listen to my head theres a billion words and phrases passing through and i cant just ignore them, thats why i write so much especially this time at night. i keep thinking about you and i talk to you too i think it helps my inspiration.