╾ 26th

yesterday i bought your album as i'm still waiting for my poet artist to arrive. i thought it was ok since i was so excited to have something to hold on and the long wait makes me more anxious. but as soon as i bought it, i cried. if i think too much or even too little, i cant handle myself and i just cry.

everyday is hard. i keep trying and as i said, its not because of me but because of life. i'm trying to pretend its all good so that i wont cry and have an ugly face in the morning. i'm trying to pretend its all good so that i wont have to explain myself to people who would never understand me.

i miss you and even now i cant believe it nor accept it. my mind wont let me accept it, maybe i'll never accept it. maybe i'll keep pretending its fine outside but inside i'll keep hurting and missing you like hell.

maybe i'll spend my life wanting to be with you until i have the courage to actually go.

time doesnt heal. it just make it easier to hide and pretend its okay. this is clear to me and its been clearer since the day i first wrote it. i prove that to myself everyday when i cry because i held it back all day. i can hold back my tears my sadness and my wanting to be gone but that doesnt mean i'm fine because every night when i'm alone with myself i can feel it. all the things i hid shows up to me and my tears just fall, although i have to hold back too.

i honestly just needed a time on my own to feel all of this and to cry all day everyday, to cry as much as i want to and stop hiding everything inside because it really sucks.