╾ 17th

i'm used to write just right before i sleep, when i'm vulnerable and feeling all my feelings, when i lived through the whole day. but i need to write right now, i'm feeling a lot of things and i cant keep it to myself any longer. its really hard today. before i went to sleep i was really willing to just stay away and dont watch anything, i was willing to preserve myself and just keep myself out but i couldnt. its like a magnet, it pushed me close and it was too late.

to see the space they left there, to see the four of them, and your spot.. empty.. it was hard. it was like something hit me and i know what it is: reality. its hitting me again. you're not here. you were not there. you're really gone. no matter how many times that same reality hits me, i still cant believe. i still cant comprehend it or process it. its just.. not right. you not being here, its not right. us all without you is just not right. but then.. you being sad its not right. you suffering its not right. everything its just not right. everything's out of place and i feel like im drowning all by myself.

today its a hard day. i woke up and cried. i stayed in my bad the same way and day one. all the memories went back. i was feeling the pain of today and the pain of day one. it was hard getting up. it was hard to walk around my house, it was hard to eat, it was hard to breathe. every breathe felt like i was suffocating. its still hard since the day its not over yet. i cant find the strength to even talk. i feel like i'm just an empty bag. heavy, but empty inside. it feels like my whole world its nothing. i have nothing to hold on to. not just in my life but right now, in this situation, i have nothing to hold on to. nothing yours, nothing to feel close to you and i think that maybe thats what makes it harder, i can only see you in pictures and videos and only if i have the strength and the heart to, which is not always because i'm so weak and so miserable and i cant always bare to see you, it hurts.

and above it all, theres this thought that keeps haunting me. are you watching? were you watching your members perform? and if you were... how did you feel? were you actually feeling something? because, honestly, all people say is that when we die and go to heaven, its all perfect. we dont feel any pain anymore. but if you're watching us... do you miss everything? i mean.. how can you not feel sad? how can you not suffer even if its a little? i'm not talking about regret or things like that, i'm talking about missing your loved ones, i'm talking about being sad because your loved ones are sad too, i'm talking about those things. its possible that you cant remember? thats the only i can find to answer the question. if you're in peace, if you're not hurting or suffering anymore, is it possible that all your memories were erased? isnt it the only way you're not in pain anymore? to just.. forget? or its something like.. all the bad feelings are just being replaced with good ones? like.. you're happy to see them moving on - or trying to -, you're enjoying the shows, you're happy to be our guardian angel...

what leads me to think.. if i die, and if we really dont have memories, if we really forget everything and dont feel anything... i wont remember you. i spend all my days wishing to be with you soon, but when it happens.. what if its true? what if i cant remember you? i wanna remember you. i need to remember you. i wanna go with you and if i go and dont remember you, i'll live without a reason again, it'd be empty again, even if i dont know. its all dark and i cant see the future.

i am watching the corpse bride right now and the whole movie is the male character victor, who accidentally married a corpse. basically they're all in the "dead world", its beneath the ground, like "hell" for everybody, but its not hell, its just where the dead ones lives, only victor is alive. they do go to the "human" world and they can see each other, but the thing is... the corpse has feelings. victor loves his wife-to-be victoria, and emily, the corpse, is left broken hearted. she's sad. theres this one song she sings, it goes:

"If I touch a burning candle I can't feel the pain If you cut me with a knife it's still the same And I know her heart is beating And I know that I am dead Yet the pain here that I feel Try and tell me it's not real For it seems that I still have a tear to shed If I touch a burning candle I can feel no pain In the ice or in the sun it's all the same Yet I feel my heart is aching Though it doesn't beat it's breaking And the pain here that I feel Try and tell me it's not real I know that I am dead Yet it seems that I still have some tears to shed."

i cant help but think that it could be true. even in the afterlife, even when we're dead.. how can we just dont feel anything? how's that? i mean.. its a weird thought. have no memory, have no feelings. i know that only who died knows how it is, but i cant help but imagine what its like. it could be heaven, it could be our souls just walking around, it could be we'll have a world just for us, it could be we born as another person and live again, it could be hell, it could be anything.

i really dont know. i dont know anything and it scares me, to be honest. it scares me not knowing where you are, how you feel. it scares me because i dont know if you're finally well and in peace. i said that countless times but i need you to be happy right now. i need you to get rid of all the things you left here, all the bad things, all the bad feelings, all the tears and all the suffering. its all behind you now, its all in the past. i need you to be a new person, a happy person, i need you to always smile from now on.

you know, its like i'm feeling two pains at once. the pain of losing you, which is terrible, and the pain of myself, my life, all the things i kept inside me for years that are now coming out everyday and i dont know how to deal with it. i dont write all the time anymore or everyday but its just that i'm scared. everyday i feel those things. everyday i feel sad and almost everyday i still cry. there are times when i'm "okay" but then i start crying. there are times when it just hits me and i cant handle it. my tears just cant be held. i think about you everyday, i miss you everyday...