╾ 9th

its too hard, jjongie. your loss and my life, its just too hard. i dont know how to handle it anymore and i'm tired of being here, i'm tired of feeling this way. its all mixed and messed up, it makes me lose my breath.

i cried again yesterday, because of you. and i cried today, because of me. when i cry because of you, its because i miss you so much, because theres nothing i can do about it, because i lost you, because the space you left hurts me. when i cry because of me, its because i hate being alive, i cant deal with my feelings, i cant deal with people, i'm tired of being disappointed with people and i'm tired of being left behind, i'm tired of the feeling that no one fucking cares about me, i'm just tired of everything and everything hurts me so much. but theres also times when i cry because of both of us; you and me. i cry because i wanna go with you, i wanna be with you; i cry because i'm too weak to do that; i cry because its better to just go with you then being here, but i cant just go. its awful.

it just gets harder. time doesnt heal. the thing is: at first, i cant hold my crying and i cant hold my sadness; as time passes, i can control it, i learn how to hold my tears and i learn to pretend i'm okay; i learn how to fool everyone and how to fool myself. but in the end, its just pretending. time only teachs me how to pretend. but the more i pretend, the more i keep all my hurting inside of me, and i break. theres some days i just break and all my feelings comes back. it doesnt heal and it doesnt stop. it just gets worse because i keep "hiding" it, i keep trying to be okay when i'm clearly not, i'm so far from being okay... its hard to breathe. its hard to think. its hard to talk. everythings just too hard.

i already feel like i'm not even living, i'm not even here; i dont belong here. i see myself up there, somewhere, with you, far from here, out of reach and out of touch, where no one can see me ever again; where i'm just a memory, or whatever. thats my wish. but as i already said, i'm not as brave as you; or desperate as you, i dont know. i'm so tired of being here and it hurts me so much everyday and yet i cant do it. why cant i do it? why cant i just end this and go with you? why is it so hard for me when living is unbearable? whats wrong... ?