╾ 4th

hi baby, its been a while right? to be honest, i think about you everyday still. i look at the sky and i talk to you still. i wish you take me with you still. theres a lot of thoughts passing through my mind all day everyday, i just cant write it.

maybe i'm scared. scared to write less than i want to. scared to cry because in these moments, its not easy to stop crying and the pain its too much. i cant allow myself to just keep crying and i already said that, but i need a "pretty" face at work, i cant go everyday with swollen eyes and dark circles.

and i am so, so sorry. i couldnt hear your music. i cant bear to watch your mvs. i want to, but i'm always scared. i always wait untill friday because i can cry but at the end... its sunday and i couldnt watch it and hear it.

you worked so hard on it till the end. i couldnt listen but i'm sure the album its amazing. and hey... you won. you got 2 wins with your music and i am so proud of you! i hope you're proud of yourself too, jjong. please, be proud of yourself, you deserve it. you're good, you're amazing, your songs are perfect, the lyrics are beautiful and relatable. you're the greatest poet and artist ever. i used to wish you were here for livestages and to receive your trophies, i can imagine everything if you were here. but even now, if you're seeing it all, i just hope you're happy. wherever you are, if you're happy and proud, i can be a little happy too. or try to.

but if you can see me, you probably know its not like that, its not that simple. i'm not happy. i feel heavy and useless, i feel like i cant have any joy and even if i do, it'll be bittersweet. but you know what? because of you, i'm at ease. i used to be so scared of not being here, not existing. dying. i know its maybe insensitive for me to say that, but now i'm not scared. i'm okay with that, i wish i could go soon. i look at the sky, and besides thinking about you. i think about how beautiful it is, i think about how wonderful would it be to be there. with you.

but the truth is that i still cant believe it. i cant believe that you're gone. you're not here and the worst is that you took your life. how many times i said that? it was a fee but its still not real to me. and its not fair, it still makes me angry. the only thing i know its real its my sadness, my tears and my longing for you. i miss you so much, i bet you're tired of hearing that and i'm sorry i cant recover, i cant get over it, i'm so weak.