╾ 6th

these days i really cant think of anything else to say besides its unfair. its unfair it makes me sad it makes me mad it makes me pissed. you didnt deserve any of this shit. you didnt deserve to die. you didnt deserve to take your life. i just dont get why it happened to you, a wonderful person. i mean it when i say its unfair because you did nothing wrong, you're so lovely and supportive you always wanted people to smile and be happy. its awful how the person who smiles and hypes up the others are the ones who needs protection and attention. i know because i'm the same and it sucks so much. people really cant see us. and thats another thing that makes me pissed. how did no one saw you? me included, shawols, blingers... it was all in our faces and we were useless. everyone was useless. no one could help you and damn i hate that. i hate that people around you couldnt help but i dont blame them. theres really just one or two persons to blame but it wont change a thing. you're gone. its unfair.

you had so many beautiful things coming your way. you're brilliant and you couldve had it all. but you couldnt be happy and life took you. and you were taken away from me too. you know, sooner or later i couldve been with you. sooner or later i would give in i wouldve get to know you. and now i cant have this anymore. i cant have you anymore. i cant follow you anymore. i cant. its my fault too and i blame myself everyday i live, and so will go on and on. isnt it funny? how i thought i had everything even having you so far, liking you from far. and now... its like ive lost everything. it feels like i have nothing. isnt it funny that i cant even stan the groups that kept me away from you anymore because i miss you so much and nothing makes sense anymore? its funny. i hate it.

everyday i blame myself and everyday i miss you. i just cant stop missing you. and its funny again because.. how can i miss you that much? i dont understand. i dont understand anything thats happening, i only know its painful. it hurts me so much everyday i dont know what to do anymore. its just sadness and tears and longing and sometimes i'm okay, but its only sometimes. i even fooled myself a few times thinking i might be getting better and yes its bittersweet but in the end its all just thoughts. i'm not okay and i dont know if i'll ever be okay again. you know its only because of you but you did something and now i'm letting all out. maybe its better, you know? to feel all the things i kept inside myself for years and years, pretending everythings okay and that im okay and i can deal with all of this but i cant and i know that now. in some ways you helped me. obviously i wouldnt mind to live like i lived if that means i'd have you back. but i cant wish that. i cant even think about that because i need you happy. i'll say that a thousand times. i cant wish you were here if that means you'd be suffering. you're free now and i have to accept that, i dont know how but i have to.