╾ 8th

so yesterday i cried myself to sleep again. you know.. i finally realize it. its just when i'm in bed ready to go to sleep and then i look at the sky i talk to you. its just then that i realize it. i'm talking to you, to the sky, you're there. you're somewhere and you're nowhere. you died. its such a powerful word to me now but it never was. it was a banal word. death. die. but now.. i cant even think about it when its about you. so i thought about it and i cried. i was desperate. my breath keeps getting messy and its hard to breath, its hard to hold the tears, most of times i dont know how to stop myself. i just keep saying "stop" to myself and then asking you to just take me with you. soon.

its hard because i look at you and see all the things i've lost, all the future i've lost with you. and its painful because i look at you and i just cant believe its real, i cant believe you're really gone. i keep saying this but honestly its because these words cant reach whats on my mind, so i keep repeating in hopes that, one day or another, it'll cease. like, i'll finally be satisfied with my own words and i'll be able to express all that i'm feeling. but right now, its not enough. nothing i say is enough.