╾ 18th

i hate today. i hate this number and i hate everything. i'll hate tomorrow too because mondays now are too hard. i hate that i have to live till now and i hate that i'm too coward to go so i'll keep hating that number and every monday. yesterday was hard and i thought today was going to be hard too and deep down it is, but i'm trying my hardest. i kept myself away from the updates, from the dome, i kept myself away from everything because i cant bear it, not today. not only because my heart is fragile but because as ever i cant have the luxury to cry, i need to work tomorrow and i hate that i can even feel my emotions because i cant look ugly on work, i cant have a bad face and i have to look pretty.

i'm not keeping myself away because i actually want it. to be honest i'd prefer to just feel it, feel it all. i'd prefer to suffer, to just cry already and feel the pain in my heart, miss you, long for you, be sad, be miserable, everything that i know i am inside, but instead i keep hiding it, i keep pushing it away because i just cant feel it. it kills me having to keep it all inside because no one can know or because it will show up on my face as soon as i wake up. i hate that.

its two months and i still dont know if it feels short or a long period. i dont know if it seems like two days or two years. i just miss you and i just know one thing: it was harder. obviously its harder on the first couple of days and i'm not saying it isnt hard right now because it is and i say that almost everyday, thats why i keep writing for you. but i remember i couldnt stop crying, i could hold my tears and i couldnt pretend my heart wasnt aching every second of the day. the cut was too deep. but now.. i can pretend, i can fake it. i can even smile sometimes i can even say "right now in this moment i feel like i'm happy". of course its something temporary, i can only feel joy for some minutes, just as long as something cool is happening, or when i see something i like, or when i'm with someone i like and this person makes me comfortable and "happy". but its not something i can prolong. its something that comes and goes in a flash. i keep thinking and wondering if this is what my future looks like. honestly i dont even care about the future anymore, i just want to end this soon.

i couldnt just pass this day and not write something, although its not a day that i enjoy, its not some kind of celebration like i used to do on birthdays.. i hated when i couldnt write on birthdays. but now, this day... i wish i had no reason to write. i wish it never happened. oh god, what i'd give to have you back and happy. what i'd give to have you living happily and just enjoying yourself and the things that you do. what i'd give to just turn back time and save you, i'd try and i'd give everything, even if i dont treasure my life, even if my life isnt worthy of anything, i'd even give this, my life. as i keep saying, i'd rather go instead of you, i'd rather suffer instead of you.

but here i am, two months later, still suffering and still missing you, still trying to acknowledge that you're really gone and everything that happened and its happening and scared of the things that will happen because sadly i can see things ahead of me. i wish i couldnt and i wish i could end this soon and just dont deal with the "future" things but i'm weak and i'm a coward so i'll just have to live with that.

i miss you so much. i cant stop thinking about you and i cant stop missing you. i cant stop hurting and i cant stop crying. i cant stop being angry and thinking its all so unfair and you didnt deserve it. you didnt deserve the pain you didnt deserve to end your beautiful life because of some shitty and cruel people. i hate it. i hate people and i hate the ones who did that to you and your mind. i hate that we can be ourselves and i hate that we have no one to help us because people are so selfish and blind they dont see the ones whos in front of them.

i'm so sorry. i'm so sorry everyday. i'm sorry you couldnt be happy, i'm sorry i couldnt help you. i'm sorry you had no one by your side and fuck i'm sorry even i wasnt by your side because i'm such a dickhead and a failure and a stupid person. even i couldnt see you and theres not a day that goes by that i dont think about it. theres no one day that goes by that i dont blame myself for being away when i could be near... i hate it. i fucking hate it.

among all the hate that i'm sorry too that i feel it, theres love. because truly i love you. i love you so much and i'm so proud of you and everything you did and everything you achieved with your hard work and your passion, your kindness. i love you entirely and i wanna thank you for everything. i wanna thank you for making me see myself and face my fears, its funny because now my fears are my greatest wishes. thank you, thank you so much for being a part of myself i wanna keep it forever, thank you for giving me the courage to do somethings and thank you for making me see stuff i didnt seen it before.

i love you, i need you, i miss you.