╾ 3rd

so today the weather was awful. the sky was grey and at some point it was raining. when i was going out for my break, the rain stopped, the sky got clear, it was blue. and the sun shined on me. guess what i thought? it was you. of course it was you. so i kept smiling while trying to look at the sky and i was talking to you, and saying "jongie" all the way to the restaurant. then when i was eating, it rained again. but when i was about to come back, it stopped again and the sun was shinning. it was you again. i know it. then a small breeze as i was singing bap's 1004 to you and i could feel your touch.

i miss you.

it happened again. 1 hour before my time to get off work it started raining so much, really. but like half an hour before i go, it stopped. it wasnt raining till i got home and a few minutes later it started raining again. i might be silly but i think it was you not wanting me to get wet and sick, and since i hate when it rains when i'm outside...

thank you. it might be you or not, thank you.

you know, i get really stressed - or something like that - when i cant look at the sky. in my room theres a big ass window with 3 venetian blinds, and now i let the one closer to my bed open, so that i can sleep looking at you. looking at the sky, the clouds, the moon, the stars. you. i always ask myself if you're really there or i am really looking at you, but looking at the sky is somehow comforting - unless i look at it too much and it gets too real -, i feel closer to you just a little. so i keep looking and i keep talking to you even tho you dont respond.

how do people even get over it? the loss of someone they love so much? how can they overcome the pain and turn it into good memories? do they ever stop crying or hurting? do they ever spend a whole day without thinking about it? because it seems impossible to me. honestly these past two weeks has been the hardest weeks of my life. i've been crying so much and sleeping less then i should and feeling like crap everyday and just wanting to die and i barely smile, i'm always blank and i cant find happiness in anywhere, nothing real or stable, i just keep wondering why am i still here and why am i not with you already.

but i do know the answer for that: i'm a coward.

i keep saying how much i miss you, i keep seeing a lot of people saying the same, i keep thinking about how your family and friends surely misses you the most, but... you miss us too, right? i dont know if you're alone or not, but even if you're not, you have to make new friends which is no problem because you're awesome. but new friends wont fill in the space. new friends wont replace your real friends or family. new friends wont replace your fans. maybe its been hard on you too, is it? from the bottom of my heart, i hope not. i HAVE to hope you're fine and really really happy like you've never been before, even if you miss your loved ones. please, be happy.