╾ 1st

since i was in a bad mood, one person noticed. i never saw her, it was the first time. she looked at me and told me "i'm feeling you're sad", then i told her someone i love died two weeks ago and i'm still trying to heal. then she asked me the question, the one i'm always afraid of answering because people just dont get it.

but i told her. "its a singer i really love". and she understood. she told me she never been through this and she dont fully understand it (because its fan-idol) but she respects me. she said "if it was someone you loved, of course you'll feel sad". she also said that sometimes we let ourselves fall and we cant do that. i told her that i'm afraid of it because i feel like i'm giving in. i dont even know why i told her that, i guess i just need to talk to someone. hours later i was leaving and she told me to be okay, to not give in; and that you would want me to be happy. she made me promise that i wouldnt give in. someone i never knew, someone i just met.

it was nice and kind, i'll never forget that. but isnt it weird and sad? that the people around me cant see me? they dont talk to me like that? they dont care or dont think about me giving up my own life, not only because its being hard on me to handle your loss but also because of everything else?

i wonder if you were feeling something like this. that no one was actually seeing you. people were there and thats it. i really hope thats not what you were feeling because it really sucks so much.

another woman i just met talked to me about it. she was crying because of "the new yer excitement" i guess, so i told her i almost cried too, i was holding back my tear. she was so mad and told i shouldnt hold it back. i should cry if i wanted to. i told her people might think something bad, idk, no one there knew me and i knew nobody too, so. but she said it doesnt matter. i dont have to look good to others, i dont have to be someone i'm not.

it made me really happy, to be honest. i felt like it was really ok for me to cry and be sad because those two were so understanding, its something i wasnt expecting because no one ever told me that. they would tell me to try and be happy, forget it, its not important, it wasnt someone close to me. you know. those stupid things. the two of them made me a little happy after all, even if for 5 minutes.

they understood.