╾ 8th

and so, its been 3 weeks. the ultimate worst 3 weeks of my life. i never felt so much pain and despair, i've never cried that much, specially on the first day. i've never been so down and blank, so tired of everything and everyone. so lost. and it feels like forever. time just wont pass. i dont even know if 3 weeks is a long or short time, i only know it feels like forever, it seems like i'm stuck in time. like i'm stuck in that day. i just cant forget it.

and it feels like every monday its the same, i remember everything. i remember my trembling hands, my red face from crying in the middle of work, i remember how my heart was so heavy, how i could barely breath when i saw the news. i remember how i kept wishing it was somehow a lie. i remember my aunt trying to calm me down, she bought me ice cream, she kept trying to make conversations and stuff... its so vivid in my mind, it feels like it was today still.

3 weeks. 22 days without you. and its still not real to me. i still cant truly and fully believe it. i cant.. yes, it hits me everytime i repet to myself that you're gone. you're really not here anymore, anywhere, and theres no turning back to this. it'll be like this forever. you're really not here. i keep telling me that but it wont get fixed in my mind. i cant believe my eyes, i cant believe my head.

to think that you took your own life... its just so painful. its something that even after three weeks, i cant cope with. i still cant fully believe it. actually i dont even think about that most of the times because its just so unreal and it sometimes hurt me when it hits me that its true. it hurts, it hurts, it hurts and it keeps hurting.

not just the fact that you're not here, but the rest of it. the reason why you´re not here. all the things that made you do what you did. it hurts me more than i can tell. more than i can even imagine. it hurts me because you were hurting and theres nothing worse than that. alone in pain. how come? you're such a wonderful person it doesnt make any sense. it doesnt. i wont ever believe this. i wont ever cope with it.

i keep you in my mind, everyday. i keep saying your name, i keep missing you like i've never did before. i never really missed someone. not like this. i always thought i'm a heartless person, that i cant love anyone, i cant really get attached to someone to the point i "cant live without" them. maybe its still true, but the fact here is that i miss you, and i'm suffering. i love you.

i always think and sometimes write how much i want you back or wish you were here, but its so selfish of me to want that. its okay. i can be in pain here, i can miss you everyday to the point its hard to breath. i can cry my heart out and suffer, i dont care about me. but i would never give up your decisions just to stop me from hurting. if i could bring you back to life, i wouldnt. because you werent happy, you were in pain and i know you're better now. so even if i could, i'd really make me happy and smile, it'd take my pain away, but i rather suffer. i rather have you happy up there, free, in peace. i can take it.

i mean, its not easy and i'm starting to think i cant really that it, but i'm trying. kinda. i'm... going. i'm living, i guess. that must be something, right? although i'll keep saying how much i wanna go with you. i wanna be where you are. i wanna be with you. i wanna leave. i cant bare with the world anymore. and i keep thinking about your letter... we just live. we just keep living. theres really no point.

i'm getting too emotional and i'm crying again. first i cried while on my way back home, in the middle of the bus, i just couldnt hold my tears back and honestly i dont even care anymore. i'll cry for you anywhere, anytime. i'm pretty sure i'll cry again when going to sleep. this is how much its hurting. how much i miss you. its the hole you left. i can feel it so empty it makes me freeze. its strange because its a hole that makes me feel so heavy. i can feel the weight of the space you left here, not only inside of me but in the world. i feel it everywhere, all the time.

i miss you so much.