╾ 6th

sometimes reality just hits me. that you're not here. and its hard, you know? my head already knows and understands but me? my heart? i dont think it'll ever understand. my heart just cant accept it. and i keep thinking its all a big lie, something else, i dont know...

i look at you and i cant believe it.. i said that already, right? thats because its true and i still cant deal with it. i'm in denial.

the last two days i think i'm actually doing pretty well. i talk, i smile, i sing and i dance. yesterday i cried while talking to you but it was just a little. today i still havent cried. but theres something weird about it. i dont feel good. i dont feel good when i smile or when i sing and dance, i dont feel good whenever i forget things and feel joy even for 5 seconds. because it hits me all over again and i think i cant be happy again. i cant smile or have fun because you're gone and i'm sad. i really am.

i know and honestly i understand that i might be sad and i'll be sad forever because its painful, the loss of someone loved is terrible, i cant forget it that easily. but i also understand that i need to move on with my life and i need to try. really try to move on. it doesnt mean i let you go or i forgot you. i doesnt mean i dont care about you anymore. but again, my heart cant cope with my head.

i would give anything. its not that worthy but i'd give all my life and all that i have to make you stay. to take all your pain and make your life enjoyable and happy, to make you feel no sadness, to make you feel loved and wanted, to make you feel proud of yourself, to make you see that you're amazing, beautiful, precious, one of a kind, one in a million, important; you're all the good things thats in the world. i wish i could do that. i wish i could have you here again, but happy. full. complete. it makes me so, SO sad to know that i couldnt and could never do something for you, i could never make you stay, i could never make you truly happy. i was always worthless and now i'm even more worthless.

i'm sorry.

i love you.