╾ 18th

so.. its really been a month. a whole month and i'm surprised i made it this far. i went through a lot, i never thought i could feel so many bad things. i hit the bottom and got scared. i still am.

honestly, i dont even know how i'm handling all of this; your loss, my life.

you just wanted to be loved, to be cared about, you just wanted someone to see you and be there for you. this isnt something big, its so simple... i'm so sorry the world couldnt be nice to you. i'm so sorry no one could hear you even when you were screaming. i'm so sorry my hands were always tied and i could never do something. you deserved so much more than that.

every time i think i'm doing fine, it turns out it was just a moment. i'm not fine, i'm not done being sad, i'm not done crying, i still cant accept the reality, i still cant believe you're really gone. the denial is the only real thing to me and i dont know what to do anymore.

i dont know if i should really try and let go, try harder to accept it, i dont know if i should just keep on giving up everything. i dont really know anything. i feel like i'm just there.

today i tried my hardest to just forget and live and enjoy my travel and the people around me but it wasnt easy. i cried and maybe i'll still cry till i sleep. i couldnt really smile and laugh and i kept thinking about you and the day... as i once said, it keeps getting back to me, all of the memories and all of the feelings. those awful things just wont let go of me. maybe i'm not really trying. maybe deep down i dont even want to let go, to accept it. again, i dont know.

its just too hard. to think that you're gone, its hard. to think that you're nowhere down here, its hard. to think that you were in such a deep pain, its too damn hard. to think that you were feeling alone, its really so hard. to think that you couldnt see a way out, its hard. to think that you took your own life, its too hard and its too painful. it just dont seem true to me. i dont know.

its just not right.